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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
My new girlfriend asked me how many girls I’ve slept with.
"Eleven," I replied.
"Wow! You must be a player," she laughed.
"No," I said, "I’m their coach."
#sexandshit
A little boy was looking through the keyhole of his sister's room.
Mom says with a smile, "why are you concerned with what your sister is doing in there?"
Boy replies, "I am not concerned with her, I am wondering what dad is doing."
#sexandshit
What's it called when a woman is paralysed from the waist down?
Marriage.
#sexandshit
Teacher: "What do you do after school?"
1st Student: "I go and buy weed from Yakobo."
2nd Student: "I always go and buy cigarettes from Yakobo."
3rd Student: "I go and buy cocaine from Yakobo."
4th Student: "I always stay at home and do my homework."
Teacher: "You are a great student, I hereby appoint you as the class monitor. You are a good example to other students. What's your name?"
4th Student: "Yakobo."
#crime
Using just one hand I can count 11 reasons incest is bad.
#sexandshit
A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says: "Make me one with everything"...
After a brief chuckle at the monks joke the vendor hands him his hot dog with everything and says, "That'll be $4 please."
The monk hands over a $10 bill and waits whilst the vendor just stares back at him... Awkwardly the monk ask's, "What about my change?"
"Ah," replies the hot dog vendor, "Change must come from within."
#other
Due to the recession and to save on energy costs, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off.
#other
"Fucking kids are expensive," I said.
"Is," replied my lawyer.
#crime
A Georgian boy is getting married to a Russian girl and his dad teaches him how to behave on their first night: "First, throw her on the bed to know that Georgia is power". "Then take off your clothes for her to know that Georgia is beautiful". And then grandpa adds: "Then sit down and masturbate, for her to know that Georgia is independent".
#politics
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like a woman?
That's your common sense leaving your body.
#sexandshit
He tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
He committed suicide and now he's dead.
#news
I love fucking German girls...
But it's such a boner-killer when they keep shouting their age during sex.
#sexandshit
Why did god create man before he created woman?
Because he didn't want any advice on how to do it.
#sexism
My brother was so mean when I was a child. He used to glue the pages of his porn magazines together so I couldn't look at them.
#sexandshit
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?", she replied.
"No, the regular kind."
#sexandshit
I never forget my sons first words...
"Where the fuck have you been for 16 years?"
#other
I went to a Halloween party dressed as a chicken. Met a girl dressed as an egg. A question as old as time was answered.
The chicken.
#sexandshit
Ever since I became a cop I have to deal with rape victims on a daily basis.
Apparently women trust you much more when you wear a police uniform.
#crime
I got into an embarrassing situation at a swingers' party last night. I snuck up behind an older lady, started fucking her from behind then looked up and suddenly realised that the guy at the other end of the spitroast, getting a blowjob, was my dad.
I said, "After 30 years of marriage I can't believe you're being unfaithful to mum."
He said, "I'm not."
#sexandshit
There's no "I" in "team" but there are 5 in "individual brilliance".
#other
Why are students allowed to have a bible during testing?
It doesn't have any answers.
#religion
A psychiatrist finds a man lying by the road who has been robbed and beaten senseless.
The psychiatrist says, "My god, whoever did this needs help!"
#illness
My neighbor Mohammed had the cops called to his home after beating his wife.
The court can't decide if it's domestic violence or child abuse.
#racism
I was lying in bed this morning.
Told the wife I still love her.
#sexandshit
Linkin Park t-shirt for sale $10.
Bit tight around the neck but hangs well.
#news
My girlfriend always takes long baths after we finish watching a Ryan Gosling movie.
I don't know what she's doing in there, but it gives me lots of time to jerk off to Ryan Gosling.
#celebrities
So the new Doctor Who is a woman.
Bet she'll keep bringing up the past.
#sexism
Why do Scottish men wear kilts?
Because the sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.
#racism
You know the razor blade works when there are no reviews on Amazon.
#mortality
"It's about time I told you an important thing," I said to my 15 year old son.
"What is it dad?" He asked.
"You were adopted," I murmured.
"That's impossible!" He exclaimed, "We look the same."
"Well," I replied, "That's because we are fucking Chinese."
#racism