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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
To avoid risk of suffocation, keep plastic bags away from children.
...the little shits will murder you in your sleep given half a chance.
#mortality
Is my wife ashamed of my body?
A tiny part of me says yes.
#sexandshit
I went to volunteer at the Tourette's Society but they told me to fuck off.
#illness
My wife and I had been debating whether it was time to start a family when we saw a couple of cute kids, splashing and giggling in a paddling pool.
I looked at her and said, "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
She smiled and said, "Yes, Gary..."
"That settles it, then," I replied. "We can't raise children if we're both paedos."
#sexandshit
Cop: Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?
Miner: Mine
#other
A Fascist, Capitalist and Communist walks into a bar...
They all started shouting at each other.
The Communist says, "Death to the rich!"
The Capitalist says, "Death to the power-hungry government!"
The Fascist says, "Death to the Jews!"
The bartender interjects and says, "Wow! I never knew you guys have the same view point!"
#politics
A man walked into a pub, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be ten pence."
"Ten pence?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A pound," the barman replied.
"A pound?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
#sexandshit
My doctor told me to take up an activity that gets me out of the pub.
So I've started smoking.
#other
I've just had terrible news from America that my brother has died of natural causes.
He was shot.
#crime
How do you pick up a Paki girl?
By her mustache
#racism
I once won a 5 on 1 street fight.
We kicked that guy's ass!
#crime
For Halloween I'm going to wear a pacman suit and chase Muslim women in burkas around the town centre.
#events
My wife stepped out of the shower and said "I shaved down there, you know what that means don't you?"
I said, "Yeah the damned drain is clogged again."
#sexandshit
"There's two things you need to know about anal sex," I told my girlfriend.
"Firstly, it hurts.
Secondly, I don't care."
#sexandshit
I've created a shoe made out of Lego, so when you step on Lego it doesn't hurt.
You just get taller.
#other
A man's life is like a lush, green meadow.
It's a beautiful thing until some cow comes along and shits all over it.
#sexandshit
How is a punchline like a starving African child?
If you spend too much time explaining why it's funny, it dies.
#mortality
What's the difference between St. Patrick's day, and Martin Luther King day?
On St. Patrick's day everybody wants to be Irish.
#racism
I threw a dart at a map of the world on my bedroom wall the other day, and went to where it landed.
I had a fantastic 3 days sat next to my wall.
#other
I've decided to stop posting sexist jokes because women find them too complicated.
#sexism
You know you're a Taliban if...
You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
You own a 3000 quid machine gun and 5000 quid rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
You have more wives than teeth.
You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.'
You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
You've often uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'
You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.
You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.
You've ever had a crush on your neighbour's goat.
#religion
What do we want?
A cure for Tourette's!
When do we want it?
Cunts!
#illness
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a liberal arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
#other
What do you call a Paki that owns a sheep and a goat?
Bi- sexual
#racism
George Clooney, Leonardo Dicaprio and Matthew Mcconaughey got together to make a movie...
George Clooney said, "I'll direct."
Dicaprio said, "I'll produce."
And Matthew McConaughey said, "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."
#celebrities
I got in touch with my inner self today.
That's the last time I buy cheap toilet paper.
#sexandshit
I just finished reading a book called "How To Give Constructive Criticism".
It was fucking shit.
#other
Anyone who says marriage is an equal partnership is talking utter bollocks.
I gave up my mates, my motorbike, drinking, drugs, gambling...
All she gave up was fucking sex.
#sexandshit
I have CDO...
It's like OCD but all the letters are in alphabetical order... as they should be.
#illness
I am trying to get some sleep. It's 2am and the woman next door is making a terrible racket.
If she won't shut up I might even take her advice and call the police.
#crime