13643
The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
As I lay in my new girlfriend's bed, I noticed four lines carved into the headboard.
"Is that how many men you've slept with?", I asked.
"Yes", she replied, "One thousand, one hundred and eleven."
#sexandshit
Whilst walking down my local high street I was approached by a charity worker.
"I'm sorry to stop you sir." she said.
"That's ok, you haven't. " I replied as I carried on walking.
#other
What's the difference between Christmas and 9/11?
Muslims don't celebrate Christmas.
#racism
I just saw a poor old lady fall over in the snow.
Well I'm guessing she was poor, she only had 86p in her purse.
#crime
When I see a girl, I first look at her hair. Then at her eyes, lips, neck...
Damn dial-up!
#sexandshit
My dad always told me he never made the same mistake twice
Must be why I'm an only child.
#other
How much citrus does it take to kill a pirate?
None.
#other
BBC News: "People who suffer from Anxiety and Depression more likely to develop Cancer"
That'll cheer them up.
#illness
Why did the vegetarian hate giving blow jobs?
She was a lesbian.
#sexandshit
If there is no God
Who keeps getting my wife pregnant?
#religion
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog because he shuts up after you let him in.
#sexism
I actually fully support the women's march.
It's about time the fat bitches got some exercise.
#sexism
Why did Van Gogh become a painter?
Because he didn't have an ear for music.
#other
A physicist, engineer, and mathematician are asked by a local farmer to build the smallest fence they possibly can to hold in all of his sheep.
The physicist builds a big fence and slowly reduces the size until he can't reduce the fence any longer.
The engineer measures each sheep, stacks them in a specific way, and then builds a fence around them.
The mathematician builds a small fence around himself, then defines himself to be outside the fence.
#other
I once went on a date with a girl who didn't swallow.
Soup everywhere.
#sexandshit
I really hate having bi-polar, it's brilliant!
#illness
A black guy in a library asked me where the colored printer was.
I replied, "Dude, it's 2017, you can use any printer you want."
#racism
The Liverpool team visited an orphanage in Liverpool today.
“It’s heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope,” said Bradley aged 6.
#sport
I went up to a girl in the club last night and said, "That's a nice dress. Do you know what it'd look even better on?"
"Let me guess," she sighed, "Your bedroom floor?"
"No," I replied, "A better-looking girl."
#sexandshit
Dear Muslim refugees: just pretend to be Christian.
That's what most Christians do anyways.
#religion
Standing on an Ikea podium from Sweden, behind bullet proof by Saint Gobain Glass from France, smiling at a 4K Sony Japanese Video camera, speaking into a Dolby Sennheiser German microphone, with vigorous hand gestures giving a glimpse of a Rolex under the cuff made in Switzerland, he patriotically said, "Buy American, Hire American, Stop Immigrants," while standing beside a Slovenian wife.
#politics
My basement is like an American school
No child comes out alive.
#racism
2020 Olympic high jump results:
Gold - Mexico
Silver - Mexico
Bronze - Mexico
#politics
When will people learn that race is just an illusion.
As people we are one, the only division on this earth is that there are good people and there are bad people.
It's just unfortunate that most of the bad people are black.
#racism
I always carve a heart with a woman's initials into a tree on the first date...
It's the most romantic way to show her you have a knife.
#crime
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
#mortality
Pessimist: Oh, this can't get any worse!
Optimist: Yes, it can!
#other
Why do white people own so many pets?
Because we’re not allowed to own people anymore.
#racism
Lets be honest. The only reason most people are watching the Trump inauguration is to see if he is shot.
#politics