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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students?
A PDF File
#sexandshit
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common:
They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
#politics
What do you call a homosexual Russian knight?
Sergei.
#sexandshit
Why did Michael Jackson invent the Moonwalk?
It was a great way to get out of kids' bedrooms unheard.
#celebrities
I can't see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges it will be cheaper buying an AK-47.
#crime
Snow is like black people.
As long as it stays off my driveway and away from my car, it's cool.
#racism
I hear Kim Jung-Un has read every book ever written...
That's why they call him the Supreme Reader.
#racism
When the cops came for black people, I remained silent;
I was not black.
When they locked up the Muslims, I remained silent;
I was not a Muslim.
When...
They never showed up again coz the community was so much safer.
#racism
If wanking in the street is illegal, where the fuck do homeless people do it?
#sexandshit
I was thrown out of school for shitting on the teacher's desk.
My wife said she'll do parent's evenings from now on.
#sexandshit
I was walking past a sex shop when my daughter started pointing at the window saying, "Please daddy, will you get me one?"
"No way!" I said.
"Awk, daddy," she sobbed. "But I really need it?"
"Why?" I asked.
"Because my room is bloody freezing with no window!"
#other
My 6 year old asked me one those "awkward" questions that eventually all boys ask.
"Daddy... Why is Mummy such a cunt?"
#other
What's the difference between tired and exhausted?
When you run in front of a car, you get tired. When you run behind a car, you get exhausted.
#other
"Have you not got a girlfriend?"
"No dad."
"Do you think you will ever get a girlfriend?
"No dad, not at all."
"Are you gay?
"No dad, and will you please fuck off with your lesbian fantasies."
#sexandshit
I had sex with my girlfriend last night.
It was her first time so she bled. I told her not to worry, in a few years she'll bleed every month.
#sexandshit
2 reasons why I don't give money to homeless people:
1. They need money for drugs.
2. I need money for drugs.
#other
I called the Suicide Hotline in Iraq...
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
#news
If I had a penny for every time someone called me sexist...
I'd probably be earning more than the average woman.
#sexism
I said to my dad, "I'm thinking of inviting someone special in my life over for dinner tomorrow."
"That's fine, as long as she isn't black!" he chuckled.
"Don't worry," I replied, "He isn't."
#sexandshit
I've just seen my son carrying the toaster up to the bathroom.
"Fat bastard", I yelled at him.
#mortlality
A man sees a lady with big breasts.
He asks, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes. Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?"
He replies, "No, it's too expensive."
#sexandshit
Mirror mirror on the wall
Who's the fairest of them all
The mirror sighed and gave a grunt
And said "not you, you ugly cunt"
#other
Why do hurricanes get lousy names, like Sandy?
Name that thing Hurricane Death Megatron 900 and I guarantee folks will be evacuating like they need to.
#other
Turns out Jesus really was black...
He lived at home until he was 30, was homeless for two years, and wound up on death row.
#religion
The first time I asked a woman to make love to me my hands were sweating and shaking uncontrollably...
I'd never pointed a gun at anyone before.
#sexandshit
What's the difference between a coffee shop and a brothel?
I'd never ask for a large black in a brothel.
#sexandshit
Roses are red, violets are blue...
We're having sex tonight, cause I'm stronger than you.
#events
Trump's wall will cost 21.6 billion, Nasa's budget is only 19 billion.
Probably because Mexico has more aliens.
#racism
Donald Trump has announced that America is going to get tough on countries that harbour Islamic Extremist's.
France has already surrendered.
#racism
A young girl comes home one day and approaches her father, who is sitting in the living room.
"Daddy," she says, "a strange man did something bad to me at the park today."
The father, suddenly very attentive, turns to face his daughter.
"Oh, god... okay, sweetie, you need to understand that it absolutely wasn't your fault, and you will not get in trouble for telling me about it. Can you explain what happened?"
"Well," the girl begins, "I was playing in the sand, when the man came up to me and told me to come with him behind a tree."
"Oh, god," mutters the father. "Then what?"
"Then he pulled down his pants and showed me his thing."
"Oh, god!" the father exclaims. "What happened next?"
"Then," the girl continues, "he pulled up my dress and touched me on my underwear."
"Oh, god!" shouts the father. "Sweetie, what happened after that?"
The girl answers with a shrug. "Nothing. That was it."
"Well, make something up! I haven't finished yet!"
#sexandshit