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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
3 kids in school one day.
The teacher asks them, "What do cows say?"
Amy replies, "moo!"
Teacher then asks, "What do sheep say?"
Jack replies, "baa!"
Teacher then asks, "What do pigs say?"
Leroy says, "Freeze motherfuckin' nigger, what's in the fuckin' bag?"
#racism
At a wedding reception, the best man said, "would all the married men please stand next to the person that made their lives worth living."
The poor bartender was crushed to death.
#sexandshit
What's the difference between a Christian and a Muslim?
Christian's build bigger bombs.
#religion
Genie: Whats your first wish?
Dave: I wish I was rich.
Genie: Granted, what's your second wish?
Rich: I want lots of money.
#other
*knock*
Who’s...
*knock*
Who’s...
*knock* *knock*
Who’s there?
*knock* *knock* *knock*
Who...
*knock* *knock* *knock* *knock* *knock*
Piss off, Fibonacci!
#other
An insect falls into a mug of beer.
Englishman: Throws his mug away and walks out.
American: Takes the insect out and drinks the beer.
Chinese: Eats the insect and throws the beer away.
Indian: Sells the beer to the American, the insect to the Chinese and gets a fresh beer for himself.
Pakistani: Accuses the Indian of putting the insect in his beer, relates the issue to Kashmir, asks the Chinese for military aid and gets a loan from the American to buy another beer. The Paki then moves to England and claims benefits.
#racism
What's the worst thing about being bitten by a rattlesnake?
You're probably an American.
#racism
How many vegans does it take to eat a cheeseburger?
One if nobody's looking.
#other
Fat chicks shouldn't brag about big tits.
Having big tits because you're fat is like having a car that's fast because it's falling off a cliff.
#sexandshit
I always tell my kids to stay in school...
but they keep fucking coming back.
#other
They say never go food shopping when you're hungry
But it's been over a week now and every day I just get hungrier.
#other
Blue Guy lives in the blue house, red guy lives in the red house, purple guy lives in the purple house, orange guy...
Lives in the White House.
#politics
Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?
Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one?
Interviewer: Brown one.
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer: And the black one?
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer(naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat?
Farmer: Which one? Black or brown?
Interviewer: Black.
Farmer: It eats grass.
Interviewer: And the other one?
Farmer: Grass.
Interviewer(now annoyed) : Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?!
Farmer: Because the black one’s mine.
Interviewer: Oh, and the brown one?
Farmer: It’s also mine.
#other
I am truly perplexed that so many people are against mosques being built. I think it should be the goal of every Western Society to be tolerant regardless of their religious beliefs. Thus mosques should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.
That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy ", and the other a topless bar called "You Mecca Me Hot."
Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant, called "Iraq o' Ribs."
Across the street there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret ", with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods.
Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex toy shop, "Koranal Knowledge ", its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side an off-licence called "Morehammered."
All of this would encourage Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us, so their mosque issue would not be a problem for others.
#religion
If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?
#sexism
I met a fairy today who granted me one wish.
"I want to live forever," I said.
"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."
"Fine," I said, "I want to die when Liverpool win the premier league."
"You crafty cunt," said the fairy.
#sport
Wife calls her scientist husband...
"Honey.. Its Saturday.. you're late..."
"I'm busy with my team in an experiment"
"Whats that?"
"We've just added a derivative of C2H5OH with ambiant temperature H2O and aqueous CO2. To cool this mixture added some super low temperature, solidified H2O, now while waiting for some protein, we are fumigating the lab with vapours of nicotine... It's 4 or 5 round experiment.. So I will be late."
"Oh dear.. I won't disturb you. Take your time.."
#other
My girlfriend told me the key to a great joke is to have an unexpected punchline.
So I raped her.
#sexandshit
Sex is like Kebab. When it's good, it's really good...
...and when I'm drunk I'm willing to pay for it in a roadside turkish buffet.
#sexandshit
Think of religion like a movie.
The Torah is the first one, and the New Testament is the sequel. Then the Qu'ran comes out and it retcons like the last one never happened. There's still Jesus, but he's not the main character anymore, and the Messiah hasn't shown up yet.
Jews like the first movie, but ignore the sequels, Christians think you need to watch the first two, but the third movie doesn't count, Muslims think the third one was the best, and Mormons liked the second one so much that they started writing fan fiction that doesn't fit in with ANY of the series canon.
#religion
My wife asked me where I'd like to be buried...
Apparently "Balls deep in your sister" was not the answer she was expecting.
#sexandshit
Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours.
Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
#mortality
My ex is like the Mona Lisa
It's not that she is pretty or anything, but I would be ecstatic if I came home to find her hanging in the living room.
#mortality
The only "b" word a girl should be called is beautiful.
Bitches love being called beautiful.
#sexism
Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog.
You understand it better, but it dies in the process.
See what I did there was use the frog as an analogy to show that exposing the inner workings of a joke would essentially deprive it of its life in that it's not funny anymore. I'm drawing a parallel (and so is E. B. White) to how you basically kill a frog when dissecting it to better understand the functioning of its inner body parts, since there is now little left in the joke to laugh at.
#other
I think some drugs should be legalized...
But cocaine is where I draw the line.
#crime
Never let anyone tell you what you can and can't do.
Take Beethoven for example, they told him he could not be a musician because he was deaf... but he didn't listen.
#celebrities
When you first meet her, she says she's "bi", then later you realise she meant "...polar"
#illness
A woman's asshole is like a 9-volt battery.
You know you shouldn't, but sooner or later you're going to put your tongue on it.
#sexandshit