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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
It's better to give than receive on Christmas Day.
Especially, if you're in prison.
#sexandshit
Steven Hawking walks into a bar...
Just kidding.
#illness
ISIS Awards Night:
The 2016 best suicide bomber award goes to Mohammed. Unfortunately, Mohammed can't be with us tonight.
#crime
The moon landing was staged and it was shot by Stanley Kubrick, the reason it looks so real is because of Kubrick's obsession with filming on location.
#tv
I'm not passive aggressive.
Unlike some people.
#other
Therapist: "I think you have a phobia of marriage. Do you know what the symptoms are?"
Me: "Can't say I do."
Therapist: "That's one of them."
#sexandshit
My friend was the best at Russian Roulette.
He only lost once.
#mortality
Today, I played God.
I saw a bug, suffering. I watched it for a couple of minutes. Then I kept watching, and watching, and watching...
#religion
In a recent survey when asked if immigration was a problem 28% of people said yes, the other 72% said ديموقراطية.
#racism
How do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter, it's not going to come.
#illness
I just murdered a tree and put its decorated corpse on display in my living room.
For Jesus.
#events
Some religious people believe that serious illnesses such as cancer do not require medical treatment, and can be cured by the power of prayer alone.
Sceptics may chuckle, but there is a scientific basis for this kind of thinking.
It's called natural selection.
#religion
My girlfriend and I have decided that we want to have an abortion.
Now I've just got to get her pregnant.
#sexandshit
I've only been in jail for 5 minutes and I've already been raped twice.
My uncle doesn't fuck around when playing Monopoly.
#sexandshit
c, e-flat, and g walk into a bar...
The bartender shows them the door and says, “Sorry, we don’t serve minors.”
#other
Punctuation can really change a sentence.
For example, "Let's eat kids" becomes "Let's eat punctuation".
#other
Wife asked me to get "bath stuff" for xmas.
Hope she likes her toaster.
#mortality
Have you ever noticed that it's only 'perfect' people who are murdered or killed in horrific accidents?
"He was the perfect son" or "She was the perfect daughter."
"Such a tragic accident they were the perfect family."
"They died together, the perfect couple till the end."
Makes me glad I abuse my kids and beat up my wife.
Kind of makes me immortal.
#mortality
I was at a restaurant when I noticed my waitress had a black eye...
So I ordered really slowly, because she obviously doesn't listen well.
#sexism
In previous years seeing the Coca Cola lorry would make you feel the Christmas spirit...
This year it would make you shit your pants.
#news
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day
Give a woman a fish and you're "that weird fish guy."
#other
A mathematician is afraid of flying due to the small risk of a terrorist attack. So, on every flight he takes a bomb with his hand luggage. "The probability of having a bomb on a plane is very low", he reason, "and the probability of having two bombs on the same plane is virtually zero."
#crime
The average age of a paedophile's victim is said to be eleven years old. The average age of a paedophile is said to be thirty six years old.
Which co-incidently are the average ages of a newly wed Muslim couple.
#racism
Let me tell you about poor little Ukurugenzi.
Ukurugenzi is an 8-year old Kenyan orphan who walks 11 miles to his mud-hut school every day. With your donation of just 25 cents a day, we can buy a whip and make that lazy bastard run.
Ukurugenzi has a friend who goes to the same school, but the friend lost one arm and one leg in a bombing. He manages to ride his bike 6 miles to school every day. For just $0.50, we'll send you a video, it's fucking hilarious.
#illness
I'm really worried about my parrot.
He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life".
My room-mate's too selfish to notice. He's always crying.
#other
93% of dog owners say their dog has made them a better person in at least one way, a study found.
This same study found that 99% of cat owners say they feel their cat has told them to fuck off, at least once, this week.
#other
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip.
After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars. What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.
"It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."
#other