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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
What do you call Watson when Sherlock isn't around?
Holmeless.
#tv
I asked my date if she'd ever done drugs.
"No," she said, taking a sip of her water.
I said, "Well, you have now."
#crime
I just read a list of "The 100 Things To Do Before You Die".
I was pretty surprised that "Yell for help" wasn't one of them.
#mortality
Officer, if you are what you eat...
Then I'm an innocent man.
#crime
"Dad, why are there no jews on jupiter?"
"Because its a gas planet, son."
#racism
How many conspiracy theorists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
We may never know the truth.
#other
Fuckin Russians dolls.
They're so full of themselves.
#other
If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis...
It wouldn't matter because currency is a social construct and life is meaningless.
#illness
A German girl married a Spanish man and went to Spain...
She can't speak Spanish. Each time she wants to buy chicken legs, she would lift her skirt and show her thighs to enable the seller understand her... This went on for sometime. One day, she wanted to buy banana, so she took her husband to the shop...
Because her husband speaks Spanish very well.
#other
Jesus walks into a bar...
The barman looks up and asks, "We don't serve wine here."
Jesus looks at him quizzically and goes to look for a Spanish translator because he had just immigrated from Mexico and English was not his first language.
#religion
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
#other
My parents tried to surprise me with a car this Christmas...
Fortunately they missed.
#events
"Did you know that making a girl laugh is the second best way to get a girl into bed?" I asked my date.
"Really?" she asked. "What's the first?"
"A big fuck off knife!" I replied.
"Ha-ha, you're funny," she said.
"Well done, you've made a sensible choice."
#sexandshit
What was George Michael's last hit?
Probably the floor.
#mortality
There was a cruise ship that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island.
There where only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl. They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women.
After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself.
It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it and after a while nature once more took it's inevitable course.
Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing. So...
They buried her.
#sexandshit
Islam is not the religion of peace.
It is the religion of pieces.
#religion
Just saw a Facebook group: "Hi, I'm a bra. I touch your girlfriend's boobs every day... Jealous yet? ;D"
Joke's on them, my girlfriend doesn't need a bra yet.
#sexandshit
I watched the footage of Saddam being executed, and it really made me think...
Is there nothing on the internet that I won’t masturbate to?
#sexandshit
What's something a gay man can't live without?
Water.
#sexandshit
Can't believe there's so much people out there who believe that Santa exists.
They're so stupid that they can't realize that he's just a fictitious character made-up just for profit.
God forgive them.
#religion
It's statistically proven that 9/10 people enjoy gang-rape.
Who cares about the other 1/10... Majority rules.
#crime
"It's not you, it's me."
~ Chinese people looking at family photos.
#racism
All Lives Matter
...until you multiply them by the speed of light squared. Then all lives energy.
#other
Haven't seen the new Star Wars yet...
But everybody posting spoilers about how Princess Leia dies.
#mortality
"Have you not got a girlfriend?"
"No dad."
"Do you think you will ever get a girlfriend?
"No dad, not at all."
"Are you gay?
"No dad, and will you please fuck off with your lesbian fantasies."
#sexandshit
George Michael: I'm gonna end 2016 with something big
Carrie Fisher: hold my drink
#mortality
I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas.
Now I'm fucking stuck taking care of a puppy.
#mortality
Don't be ashamed of who you are.
That's your parents' job.
#other
This will be the last Christmas George Michael ever gives his heart.
#news
Last night I went to a comedy and philosophy convention.
Laughed more than I thought.
#other