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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
My new neighbor is fat, obnoxious, and loud.
Now I know how Canada feels.
#racism
At job interviews I always say that I gave the best years of my life to the prison service.
It's better than saying I've spent most of my life in jail.
#crime
A boy is writing a paper on childbirth and asks his parents, "How was I born?"
His mother awkwardly answers, "The stork brought you."
"Oh," says the boy. "Well, how were you and Daddy born?"
"Um, well, the stork brought us, too, and Grandpa and Grandma."
The boy begins his paper, "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."
#sexandshit
When she screams "deeper!"...
But you're all out of poems.
#other
Does anyone know which page in the Bible it explains how to turn water into wine?
#religion
I didn't realize how cold it was outside today...
...until I saw socialists with their hands in their own pockets.
#politics
You know the best thing about having a penis?
You get to share it with people who don't.
#sexism
There should be a millennial edition of Monopoly
Where you just walk around the board paying rent, never able to buy anything.
#other
My father died on 9/11... I can still remember his last words on the phone to me...
Allahu Akbar
#religion
I felt like a fool when I bought David Bowie tickets for my son and then remembered that he died last year...
Even more so when I remembered that David Bowie died too.
#mortality
Rapeincest: A game all the family can play.
Even if they don't want to.
#sexandshit
Did you know there are 3 rings in a relationship?
The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffer ring.
#sexandshit
Great Russian joke.
Four mothers: German, Italian, French, and Russian are in a maternity ward ready to pick up their babies. It just so happens, the nurse doesn't know which baby is which. So the Italian mother walks up to a crib and takes out a slice of pizza. One of the babies moves its hands forward. "That's mine," says the Italian mother and picks it up. Next, the German mother walks up and says, "Heil Hitler." Immediately, one of the babies makes a Nazi salute and the German mother picks it up. Next, the Russian mother walks up, doesn't say or do anything, and just takes one of the babies.
"Hold on," says the French mother, "how can you be so sure that it's your baby. For all I know, it might be mine."
"It IS mine," says the Russian mother, "When the German mother said 'Heil Hitler', my baby made an angry face, and yours shat itself.
#racism
My wife said that I need to pay more attention to what's going on around me.
So, in 2010, I'm going to try harder.
#other
* during an interview *
Interviewer: "So how long were you employed in your last job?"
Candidate: "I'd say my biggest weakness is my listening skills."
#other
If you ask me what my favorite rock band is and I'm being subjective, I'd say The Who.
If I was being objective, I'd say it was The Whom.
#other
I'm afraid of dying alone...
So I became a bus driver.
#mortality
In all seriousness though, people should not make rape jokes, its Islamaphobic.
#racism
I don't like telling jokes about Muslims.
A lot of them have a very short fuse.
#racism
My girlfriend said that I could pick a couple of my favourite fantasies for some roleplay to spice things up.
So now I need a new girlfriend, but at least I ticked snuff and necrophilia off my bucket list.
#sexandshit
Zodiac signs can tell a lot about your personality.
For instance, if you believe in them, you're an utter cunt.
#other
If you've ever wondered what it'd be like to be married...
Find a woman who doesn't want to have sex with you, and buy her a house.
#sexandshit
At the liquor store:
"Hey, do you need help?"
"Yes, but I come here instead."
#other
The Pentagon is changing the nuclear codes to over 140 characters
So Trump can't tweet it
#politics
My sister in law sat on my glasses and broke them.
I suppose it's my fault really, I should have taken them off first.
#sexandshit
I am so much in debt, I can start a government.
#politics
Donald Trump was asked if he could quote any Bible verses.
He replied, "Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Deport him and you do not have to feed him again."
Trump 20:16
#politics
This vodka tastes a lot like I'm not going into work tomorrow.
#events
I saw my new neighbour in his garden pulling out the 'For Sale' sign.
"Nice to meet you," he said. "I'm Mohammed."
"I'll take that sign if you don't need it," I replied.
#racism
TripAdvisor review for Turkey: a nightlife to die for.
#politics