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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."
Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night .".
Kid 1: "As if.".
Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister.".
Kid 1: "I don't have a sister.".
Kid 2: "You will in about nine months.
#oldbutgold@Sickipedia
I spent a whole day wondering how my friend’s great-great-great-great grandpa is still alive
Just realized he has a stuttering problem.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
"I heard, you're the brother of Sherlock and also solve criminal cases. Are you also such a brilliant mind?"
"No, unlike my brother I solve cases by accident", answered Sheer Luck Holmes.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
Me: "Remember when I rubbed you out?"
Genie: "Don't say it like that..."
#wordplay@Sickipedia
I remember the first time I made love to my wife.
After we finished, I asked her: "Am I the first one?"
She sighed, looked at me and said: "Why does everyone always ask me that?"
#oldbutgold@Sickipedia
There are 86 billion neurons in your brain
Really makes you think
#wordplay@Sickipedia
When you are young, you have two kidneys.
Then when you grow up, you have two adult knees.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
"The thing about 'dad jokes' is..."
"...you just change the 'd' to 'b' and you have the truth."
#wordplay@Sickipedia
My wife started putting a miniature Stallone doll in the middle of our bed a few months ago.
Things….have been a little Rocky between us ever since.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
My low-fuel indicator keeps coming on even though I have plenty in the tank...
I think my car may be gas lighting me.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
Every night for bedtime stories, my son insists I read the label on a can of WD-40.
He’s really into non-friction.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
My friend told me, “You have a Bachelor’s, a Master’s and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot.”
That….was a third degree burn.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says “Sorry but we don’t serve bacteria here”
To which the bacteria reply with “But we work here, we’re Staph !!”
#wordplay@Sickipedia
Two guys walk into a bar. "Hey DONKEY get the beers in!" shouts one guy to the other."
The barman says to the guy, "That's a bit mean, why does he call you Donkey?" and the man replies "It's OK, he aw... he aw... he always calls me Donkey."
#wordplay@Sickipedia
A guy finds a genie who offers him one wish. Already rich and happy, he asks to always climax at the same time as his wife.
A few weeks later, he’s back rubbing the lamp.
“Genie, I need to undo that wish.”
The genie asks, “Why? Did something go wrong?”
“No, it works fine. But picture this: I’m at the bar with my buddies, playing cards, having a beer... then boom—orgasm.”
#oldbutgold@Sickipedia
Me: "Thank you doctor, I feel like I am getting over my fear of the super natural"
Therapist: "Great! That's the spirit!" Me: "WHERE?!"
#wordplay@Sickipedia
A police officer pulled me over and said, “Papers.” I said, “Scissors. I win!” and drove off.
I guess he wants a rematch because he’s been following me for about 45 minutes.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
I’ve decided to apply my years of IT experience to fixing my marriage
I’ve successfully turned my wife off. Anyone know what I have to do to turn her back on again?
#wordplay@Sickipedia
What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
The guy will actually search for a golf ball.
#sexandshit@Sickipedia
What's the most masculine job in the world?
A mailman.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
How do you make the number one disappear?
Just add a G and it’s gone
#wordplay@Sickipedia
What type of doctor is Dr Pepper?
A Fizzician
#wordplay@Sickipedia
What do you call it when Optimus prime gets a handjob?
A carjacking.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
Yo momma is so old...
When I told her to act her age she died
#oldbutgold@Sickipedia
A Neutron walks into a bar. It asks “How much for a drink??”
To which the bartender replies with “For you?? No charge.”
#wordplay@Sickipedia
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first "sex party" and doesn't know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, "Gender Reveal, Mom. It's called a Gender Reveal."
#wordplay@Sickipedia
A screwdriver walks into a bar and the bartender says “Hey !! We have a drink named after you !!”
To which the screwdriver replies “You have a drink named Phillip??”
#oldbutgold@Sickipedia
My buddy quit his job at BMW.
He of course gave no indication that he was leaving.
#roast@Sickipedia
What is the difference between Americans and IT support?
Americans don't have troubleshooting.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
What do you call a beehive with no exit?
Un-bee-leavable
#wordplay@Sickipedia