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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
Interviewer: Would you mind explaining this 4-year gap on your resume?
Me: I went to Yale during this time period.
Interviewer: Wow, excellent! You’re hired!
Me: Thank you! I really needed this yob!
#oldbutgold
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Why did the Grim Reaper schedule an appointment with his eye doctor?
He was having issues with his death perception.
#wordplay
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My father believed that men learn by just doing things and figuring it out so when I was 3 my dad threw me into the ocean.
To teach himself CPR.
#other
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A photon is heading to catch a plane, and the agent asks if it has any checked baggage.
"No I dont," it says. "I'm traveling light."
#wordplay
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Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”
Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis and I've slept with well over 5,000 women.”
Last guy chuckles, “I have you all beat. I fucked over all the readers who were expecting a punchline to this joke.”
#classic
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Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw.
So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion.
The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his cock, starts masturbating and points at it.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".
The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"
#wordplay
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What do you call a dog that floats?
A good bouy
#wordplay
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I was driving trough a neighborhood and saw a sign that said "Drive like your kids live here."
So I left.
#other
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I attended prom…
The DJ played the Cha-Cha Slide, and I did the Cha-Cha Slide.
The DJ played the Macarena, and I did the Macarena.
The DJ played Come on Eileen, and now I’m not allowed within 1,000 feet of school property.
#sexandshit
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When I was a lumberjack I cut down 21,453 trees.
I know this because I kept a log.
#wordplay
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Jane was obviously attracted to Tarzan and asking him about his life asked how he had sex..
"Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied.
Jane then explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.
"Here" she said, pointing to her privates,"you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her as hard as he could in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed: "What the bloody hell did you do that for?
"Tarzan check for squirrel." he responds
#sexandshit
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Officer: The victims were sacrificed to on a shrine made of antlers.
Detective: Dear god!
Officer: Most likely yes.
#wordplay
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I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate
And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.
#other
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A horse walks into a bar.
"Hey" says the bartender.
"How did you know my order?" replies the horse.
#wordplay
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A vegan is at the entrance of a university campus trying to get others to become vegan
He sees an angry and disappointed kid walking out of the campus, and takes the opportunity to ask if they want to become vegan.
“You know who else was vegan?” the angry kid responds. “Adolf Hitler. And I just got kicked out of art school right now, so I’m not taking any risks.”
#other
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A woman Walks Into A Butchery Just Before Closing and Asks, "Do You Still Have Chicken?"
The Butcher Opens His Deep Freezer, Takes Out The Only Chicken Left and Puts It On The Scale, And It Weighed 1.5 kg.
The Woman Looks At The Chicken and At The Scale And Asked, "Do You Have One That's a Bit Bigger Than This One?"
The Butcher Puts His Only Chicken Back Into The Freezer, and Then Takes It Out Again, But This Time When He Puts It On The Scale; He Craftily Keeps His Thumb on The Scale Pan And The Scale Now Showed 2 kg
"That's Wonderful," Said The Woman. "I'll Take both Chickens, please!"
#other
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Why doesn't Batman carry a police badge?
Batman doesn't kill people.
Why does Batman's mask only cover half his face?
So the police can see that he's a white guy.
#classic
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A lone cowboy nobody knew walks into a mining town bar..
He orders two drinks which he downs slowly. When he was done with his drinks, he paid the bartender and walks out to see that his horse with all his stuff is missing.
He turns around, walks back in the bar, pulls his guns from his holster and shoots them in the air.
"Which ever one of you cow dung stole my horse better have it back by the time I finish my next drink, other wise I am going to have to do what I did in Texas. And trust me, I don't want to ever do that again".
He walks back to the bar, gets another drink, and slowly drinks it. The people in the bar started murmuring, talking amongst themselves and looking at the stranger with fear in their eyes.
The stranger finishes his drink, walks out and his horse was there where he left it. He got up on it, when the bartender and the bar patrons ran out after him.
The bartender said "Mister, we are sorry for what happened. But please tell us what happened in Texas after somebody stole your horse?"
The stranger looked at him and said, "I had to walk home".
#oldbitgold
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My friend said she couldn't afford to pay her huge water bill
So I sent her a "get well soon" card.
#wordplay
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I was fired from the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
#wordplay
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Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return her Father cursed her heavily.
"Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?"
The girl, crying, replied, "Dad... I became a prostitute."
"Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family."
"OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera."
"What was it ye said ye had become?", says Dad.
Girl, crying again, "A prostitute, Daddy!"
"Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!"
#oldbutgold
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Two of the wealthiest men in the world suffer from ED. They team up to make a new drug and call it...
Elongates
#wordplay
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If alive, Steve Jobs would've made a better president than Trump..
But that's really comparing Apple to oranges
#wordplay
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A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of he men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm just tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
#wordplay
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I told my wife I wanted to be cremated.
She made me an appointment for Tuesday.
#other
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A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt. I’ll explain later..
The nun agreed…
A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?”
The nun replied, “He went that way.”
After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough, sister. You see, I don’t want to go to Iraq.”
The nun said, “I understand completely.”
The soldier added, “I hope I’m not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!”
The nun replied, “If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don’t want to go to Iraq either...
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
I just found out I’m colour blind
News came out of the purple.
#wordplay
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If women ruled the world there would be no war
Just a bunch of countries not talking to each other.
#sexism
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Marriage is really educational
When I was single, I didn't even know there was a wrong way to put a fork in the dishwasher.
#other
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So a chicken walks into a library and says , “bock”. Sounding like “book” the librarian hands him a book. He takes it and goes happily on his way. Then the next day...
The chicken says "bock bock", and the librarian hands him two books. Away he went. The third day, chicken says "bock bock bock", and the librarian hands him three books. And so on until the fifth day, when the chicken says "bock bock bock bock bock", the librarian hands him five books and follows him to see what he's doing with all these books.
There is a frog sitting across the way that the chicken takes the books to. The librarian, confused but curious, continues to follow the chicken. The chicken approaches the frog, says "bock bock bock bock bock", places the five books into the frogs hands. The frog responds by tossing each book aside one by one, "reddit reddit reddit reddit reddit"!
#wordplay
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