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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
It’s WWII and there’s a little anti-aircraft unit based on the east coast of England. The sergeant has a stutter.
One dark night they’re playing cards under the glow of their gas lamp, and suddenly they hear the distant sound of aircraft engines. The sergeant barks, “Ggggggggg-ggggg-gggggg-gggg-ggggg-get to the gggggg-ggg-gggggg-ggggg-gggg-ggggggg-ggg-gggggg-ggg-gun.”
All the men throw down their cards and rush over to the gun.
The sergeant says, “Rrrrrrrr-rrrrr-rrrrrrrrr-rrrrr-rrrrrrr-rrrrr-rrrrrrrrr-rrrrr-rrrrrr-ready.”
The men are ready with the gun.
The sergeant says, “Aaaaaa-aaa-aaaaaa-aaa-a-a-aaa-aaaa-aaaa-aaa-aaaaaaa-aaa-aim.”
Within seconds the men have the gun aimed at the German bomber.
The sergeant yells, “FFFFFFF-FFFF-FFFFFFF-FFFF-FFFF-FFFF-FFFF-FFFFFFFFFFFFF-FFFF…
“FFFF-FFFFFFFF-FFFF-FFFFFFFF-FFFF-FFFFFF-FF-FF-F-F-F-F-FFFFF-FFFFFF-FFFF…
“FFFF-FFFF-FFFF-FFF-FF-FFF-FFFF…
“FFFF-FUCK it lads, we’ll get ‘em on the way back.”
#other
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Mother Superior wakes up and gets out of bed one morning in the convent.
She begins her usual walk down a long hallway, with rooms for the other nuns lining either side. Immediately one of the nuns looks at mother superior and says "It looks like someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning!"
Mother Superior is a little taken aback by this comment, but shrugs it off and continues. Remarkably, as she passes the very next room, another nun says "Looks like someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning!"
And on and on down the hallway this continues until she finally reaches her destination, meeting with one of the priests coming to visit for the day. The priest begins to open his mouth to greet her when she stops him and quite exasperatedly she exclaims "Don't you dare say "It looks like someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning!"
The priest says "I wasn't going to say that. I was just going to ask why you're wearing the Bishop's slippers.
#other
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Seriously? Gay jokes during Pride Month?
Come on guys.
#wordplay
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I asked God what the most unlikely thing in the world was.
He replied.
#religion
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A business man is leaving his wife for a week and has concerns about her straying while away.
He visits a number of adult toy stores looking for something that will keep his wife "busy" while he's gone. After hours of searching he eventually stumbles into a Chinese Herb and Erotic Tincture shop in Chinatown. After telling the old man running the store of his dilemma, the old shopkeeper thinks for a bit.
He says, "I think I have something that will work, but it's not for the faint of heart or for the undisciplined. In fact, it may be too much for your wife."
The man's interest piqued, says, "If it wears her out, that's even better. I'll take it."
After many more warnings and even more haggling over the price, the shopkeeper produces an old wooden box, inscribed in gold with beautiful pictograms and unknown writing. "This is the voodoo dick. To make it work, your wife must simply say 'Voodoo Dick - vagina'."
The man, not sure if he believes what he's hearing asks for a demonstration. The shopkeeper opens the box and exclaims, "Voodoo dick - the cabinet". Pointing to an old cabinet in the corner of the shop, the voodoo dick rises out of its box and flies across the shop and starts pounding at the keyhole. As it's pounding, the cabinet begins to shake as the voodoo dick chips away until the cabinet eventually crumbles into a pile of wood and splinters.
The old shopkeeper then says "Voodoo dick - your box." The voodoo dick obediently flies back into the box with the lid snapping shut behind it.
Agreeing to the exorbitant price and happy with his purchase, the man leaves the store with his wife's new toy.
The next morning as the business man gets ready for his trip, he tells his wife that he's got a present for her. He has her get undresses and lie on the bed and then opens the box and exclaims, "Voodoo dick - her vagina." The man then tells his wife that she only need to say "voodoo dick - your box" when done.
In her state of excitement, however, she completely ignores and disregards his instructions. The husband, leaves for his business trip comforted in the knowledge that his wife will have no reason to stray.
After several hours of orgasms and immense pleasure, and a few half hearted attempts at getting the voodoo dick to stop, the woman finally decides she has had enough. Unfortunately she still can't remember how to stop it. She yells everything she can think of, "voodoo dick, stop", "voodoo dick, halt", and on and on. Nothing is working.
She finds the receipt with the address of the shop and decides to head to the shopkeeper for help. She struggles to get dressed as the voodoo dick continues to relentlessly give her orgasm after orgasm. She gets in her car and heads towards Chinatown, swerving across lanes and squirming around in her seat.
A policeman sees the erratic driving and behavior and pulls the woman over. Seeing her disheveled appearance, he asks, "Is everything ok, are you having a medical emergency?"
The woman collects herself the best she can and says, "My husband got me a voodoo dick and it won't stop. I've had like 60 orgasms. I can't figure out how to get the voodoo dick to stop. So I'm heading to Chinatown to ask the man that sold him the voodoo dick."
The officer looks at the woman in disbelief and says, "Voodoo dick - my ass!"
#sexandshit
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There’s a fine line between a numerator a denominator
Only a fraction of people will get that joke
#wordplay
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I asked God for money
I later found out that God doesn't work that way. So I robbed a bank, then asked for forgiveness.
#oldbutgold
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Yo mama is so fat…
I know six fat people and she’s 5 of them.
#roast
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I wanted to tell a joke about Jonestown
but the punchline is too long
#wordplay
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A 7 year old & 4 year old are in their bedroom. “You know what” says 7 year old “I think its time we started swearing…
A 7 year old & 4 year old are in their bedroom. "You know what" says 7 year old "I think its time we started swearing. When we go downstairs for breakfast I'lI swear first then you". "OK" says 4 year old. Mum asks 7 yr old what he wants for breakfast. "I'II have Coco pops, bitch". WHACK, he flew out of his chair crying his eyes out. Mum looked at 4yr old & said sternly "And what do you want?". "Dunno but it won't be fucking coco pops.”
#oldbutgold
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My Asian waiter just handed my food to the wrong customer because he's racist and thinks all white people look the same.
Wait, nevermind. That wasn't my waiter.
#racism
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My wife asked me what would I do if she was choking...
I told her I would back up two inches...
#sexandshit
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I’m terrified of elevators.
So I’m taking steps to mitigate my fears.
#wordplay
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A Home Owner walks into his Back Yard...
And sees a gorilla in his tree. He calls the Gorilla Removal Services (GRS) and they send one of their guys over.
The man shows up with a stick, hand cuffs, a chihuahua and shot gun and goes on to explain how he'll get the Gorilla down.
GRS Guy: "I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick. When the Gorilla falls, the chihuahua will bite his weener. When Gorilla grabs his crotch, slap on the hand cuffs."
Home owner nods in understanding but remembers to ask: "What's the shotgun for?"
GRS Guy: "If I fall first, shoot the chihuahua."
#other
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Boss: You're 4 hours late! What's the matter?
Employee: I fell from the 2nd floor this morning.
Boss: That's 20 feet tall! It shouldn't take you more than 5 seconds!
#other
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A blonde was speeding when a local police officer pulled her over and walked up to the car
The officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license.
The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?"
Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"
The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom.
She held it up to her face and said, "Aha!
This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde policewoman.
The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said,
"You're free to go.
And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this."
#stupid
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Fellas if you ever meet a woman who takes the time to take care of bees, marry her.
She's a keeper.
#wordplay
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If a pro lifer asks "What if Mary aborted Jesus"?
Replying "it would have sped things along" isn't the answer they were looking for.
#religion
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Last night I was offered a threesome by two hot twins
Sex with Jessica felt great, but Jeremy was a pain in the ass.
#wordplay
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A train conductor kills 2 people and is sentenced to the electric chair...
A train conductor ends up killing two people while on the job. He is found guilty and sentenced to the electric chair. When the day comes, he is asked what he would want for his last meal, and he requests a banana. After finishing his meal, he is strapped to the chair and electrocuted. However, by some miracle, he ends up surviving.
Seeing as he technically served his sentence, he is released from prison, where he gets a job as a train conductor. This time, he ends up killing three people while on the job and is sentenced to the electric chair. The day comes, and for his last meal, he asks for two bananas. He finishes them and gets strapped to the chair, but he ends up surviving the electrocution again. He was released from prison for the same reason as before.
He gets another job as a train conductor and ends up killing four people this time. He is sentenced to the electric chair again, and for his last meal, he asks for three bananas. He finishes his meal and gets strapped to the chair. The guards shock him for longer than necessary and use more power, but he ends up surviving again.
The guards, all surprised, ask him, "How do you keep surviving every time? And why do you keep ordering bananas, do they save you?" The man replies, "It has nothing to do with the food, I'm just a really bad conductor."
#oldbutgold
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Is it ok for me to start drinking as soon as the kids are at school?
Or does that make me a bad teacher?
#other
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How does Rob Zombie make brownies?
EGGS, milk and flour and
BAKE, for half an hour and
FROST, with the back of my
SPATULA!
#other
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Three nuns die in a car accident and arrive at the pearly gates.
St. Peter says to the first nun, "Sister, you've lead an exemplary life, performed many good deeds, feed the hungry, cared for the sick. Do you have anything to confess before I let you in to heaven?" The nun looks serious and answers him, "St. Peter, I have to confess something. Once, when I was a young novice and naive about the world, I gave a man a hand job in the confessional." St. Peter is surprised, but he tells her, "Well, sister, that was one tiny mistake in a lifetime of pious service. Wash your hands in the holy water, say 10 hail Marys and you can go on in to heaven." Seeing all this, the third nun in line taps the sister in front of her and says, "Sister, would it be ok if I cut in front of you in line?" The second nun says, "well, certainly sister, but why?" The third nun replies "I want to gargle that holy water before you stick your ass in it."
#oldbutgold
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What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.
#roast
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Whenever my wife is upset I let her colour in my black and white tattoos.
Sometimes she needs a shoulder to crayon.
#wordplay
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Last night a local church was robbed. Miraculously the golden Jesus on the cross was left behind.
They took everything that wasn't nailed down.
#religion
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When is a joke a dad joke?
When it is apparent.
#wordplay
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A man gets on a crowded hotel elevator.
In doing so he accidently elbows a woman in the breast. He pauses and whispers "Ma'am I apologize but if your heart is soft as your breast you'll forgive me" She responds "Of course you are forgiven, and if your dick get's as firm as your elbow, I'm in room 1145"
#sexandshit
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Why are neo-Nazis the highest per-capita consumers of men's sex toys?
Because they prefer their flesh light.
#wordplay
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Cop asks a guy..how high are you?
Guy: no officer, it's hi, how are you.
#other
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