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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this ain’t no ordinary blowjob.
#sexandshit
#wordplay
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I haven't sold a single copy of my autobiography.
That's the story of my life.
#wordplay
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A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door.
"Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me."
Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.
He turned to his wife: "Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?"
"Nonsense," said the wife. "You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there."
The husband climbed out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. You're right, you know."
#sexandshit
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A genie granted me 2 out of my 3 wishes, and my third wish was for him to forget he ever met me
He replied with “I am a genie, and I shall grant you 3 wishes”
#other
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What do baking and BDSM have in common?
They both involve lots of beating and whipping
#wordplay
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Why did Han Solo cry during his steak dinner?
Because it was Chewie.
#wordplay
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The problem isn’t that obesity runs in your family
It’s that no one runs in your family.
#wordplay
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A redneck, his wife and teenage daughter walk into a restaurant.
The waitress asks, "Table for two?".
#sexandshit
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I can't say no to my girlfriend when she gives me puppy dog eyes...
If she could be that cruel to a poor, defenseless dog I can't imagine what she could do to me.
#wordplay
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Prince Charles and the Hooker.
Prince Charles decided to take up walking every day. At the same street corner he passed a hooker standing there every day. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout.
"No! Five pounds!" He said from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.
This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.
She'd yell, "One hundred and fifty pounds!" He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"
One day, Camilla decided to accompany her husband.
As the couple neared the hooker's corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife.
As they neared the hooker’s corner he became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there she stood. He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass.
Then, the hooker yelled:
"See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard !”
#sexandshit
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My date asked me to undress her with words.
I told her she has a spider in her bra.
#other
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What do you call two old men drooling in their wheelchairs?
The 2028 election.
#politics
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Did you hear of the guy who says he has no butthole?
He's full of shit.
#wordplay
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Cassette tapes have side A and side B…
… so it’s only logical their successor would be the CD.
#wordplay
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A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink
The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.
The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some khakis that are hung out to dry, and puts on pants, a shirt, and a hat. He sits on a chair by the campfire and grabs a copy of the local paper, pretending to read, to hide his face.
The lion enters the campsite and lets out a huge roar. He yells, "did anyone see a gorilla run through here?"
The gorilla, in full disguise, calls out, "you mean the one that fucked the lion up the ass?"
The lion exclaims, "oh my god! It's in the paper already?"
#oldbutgold
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What do you call a lizard that doesn’t work?
A reptile dysfunction
#wordplay
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A vasectomy only works if you tell your wife about it
Otherwise she keep on getting pregnant
#boomerhumor
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A blonde drops off her dress to the dry cleaners The lady says, "Come Again!"
The blonde says, "No, it's toothpaste this time."
#sexandshit
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Vegans will be the first to invent intergalactic travel
Imagine living in the Milky Way
wordplay
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What do you call it when a sixty year old man suddenly starts reading the Bible?
Cramming for finals.
#wordplay
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What's the difference between an American police officer and a bullet?
If a bullet kills someone that means it's been fired
#wordplay
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I just found out my uncle is addicted to Viagra
No one is taking it harder than me
#wordplay
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Why do women wear panties with flowers on them?
In loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there.
#sexandshit
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A teacher asks in class:
"If three pigeons are sitting on a tree, and i shoot down one, how many pigeons will be left?"
A student raises their hand and says: "None."
Confused, the teacher asks why, to which the student responds: "Well, if you shoot down one, the others will get scared by the gunshot and fly away."
"Well no, two birds are left, but I like your way of thinking", the teacher says. The student replies: "Well I have a question for you too". "Oh? Go on..". "If two women are standing in front of an ice cream truck, with one licking her ice cream, and the other one biting it; which woman is married?"
Embarrassed, the teacher asks: "The one that licks her ice cream?" "No", the student says, "the one that wears a ring - but I like your way of thinking."
#other
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Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There would be mass confusion.
#wordplay
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I ran into my wife’s ex.
He smarmily asked, “How do you like that used pussy?”
I told him, “It ain’t too bad once you get past the used part.”
#sexandshit
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An eight year old girl went to the office with her Dad on a "Take your kid to work day".
As they were walking around the office the young girl was getting crankier and crankier, crying and sobbing. Her father asked what was wrong with her?
As the concerned office staff gathered around she sobbed loundly "Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with?"
#other
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Chuck Norris told a joke about Jada Smith.
Will Smith then smacked her.
#classic
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What does a penis and a Rubik's cube have in common?
The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
#sexandshit
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Wife: I have a bag full of old clothes I’d like to donate
Me: Why not throw them in the trash, much easier?
Wife: There are poor, starving, people who can really use all these clothes.
Me: Anyone who fits into your clothes is not starving.
I’m currently in hospital on ward 8b
#roast
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