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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
My wife asked if she has any annoying habits...
... and then she got all offended during the PowerPoint presentation
#boomerhumor
@Sickipedia
Went on a date last weekend this woman and afterwards I said "wow, you're the most average girl I've ever date".
"You are mean!" She replied.
I said, "no, you are".
#wordplay
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What gets burning hot right before it freezes?
A laptop.
#wordplay
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I can't believe people are celebrating the Fourth of July early and lighting off fireworks already.
One of my neighbor's fireworks landed in my yard and almost lit my Christmas decorations on fire.
#other
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Did you know that the invention of the shovel was...
Ground breaking?
#wordplay
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I really wanted to write a joke about my successful transition surgery.
But I don’t have the balls to do it.
#wordplay
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My dad left his job
He wanted to pursue archeology. His career is now in ruins.
#wordplay
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God created childbirth to give women the chance to experience what it's like...
For a guy to catch a cold....
#ckassic
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How many introverts does it take to change a lightbulb?
Why does everything have to be a group project?
#other
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What do you call a disease with many followers?
Influenza.
#wordplay
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I know a woman who has been married 3 times and is still a virgin
Her first husband was a psychologist and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it. Her second husband was a gynecologist and all he ever wanted to do was look at it. Her third husband was a gourmet and all he wanted to do was eat it.
The good news is that I just heard she is getting remarried. This time she is going to marry a lawyer that way she knows she will get fucked!
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
The blonde asked her gynecologist “Why do I finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina?”
The amused doctor replied, “Those aren’t postage stamps, they’re the stickers that come on bananas”
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
A man comes up to the drive thru window, and the attendant greets him:
Attendant: Welcome, how may I help you today?
Customer: I'd like a burger and a vanilla ice cream cone
Attendant: Sorry, the ice cream machine is broken again today, and we don't know how long it'll be down, so we don't have any ice cream today.
Customer: How about fries and ice cream?
Attendant: Sorry, we don't have any ice cream today.
Customer: Okay, how about a chocolate ice cream cone?
Attendant: Can you spell fries?
Customer: F-r-i-e-s
Attendant: Okay, now how about you spell ice cream?
Customer: I-c-e, c-r-e-a-m
Attendant: Now what do you get when you take the F out of ice cream?
Customer: There's no F in ice cream.
Attendant: That's what I've been trying to tell you, there's no F-ing ice cream, so how about something else?
Customer: Burger and fries
Attendant: Okay.
#other
@Sickipedia
I dig, you dig, he dig, she dig, we dig, they dig.
It's not a long poem,but it's very deep.
#other
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Female masturbation is like preparing coffee.
You can grind your beans by hand, but it's easier and faster to just use a machine.
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
‘Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.’
The priest asks, 'Is that you, Joe?' 'Yes, Father’ ‘Who’s the gal you were with?' 'I won’t tell, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' ‘Was it Jane marlow?’ ‘I can’t say.' 'Was it Tami Jones?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Kim Dixon or Kate James?' 'My lips are sealed.
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy for a month.’
Joe walks back to his pew, and his friend Jordan whispers, 'What'd you get?' 'A month's vacation and four excellent Leads.'
#sexandshit
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A woman asks her friend, "would you say the neckline in this dress is too low?"
"Do you have hair on your chest?"
"No, why?"
"It is a bit too deep."
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
A Teacher wants to do a little Quiz with her Students.
Teacher:"Guess what this is, which animal has a Beak and Feathers?"
Random Student:"A Duck!"
Teacher:"Thats right, but it could also be a Goose. Next question, which animal has Claws and Fur?"
Random Student:"A Dog!"
Teacher:"Thats right, but it could also be a Cat."
A Boy steps infront of the Teacher:"Now i have a question for you."
Teacher:"Sure go ahead."
Boy:"Whats this?? First its Long, Hard and Dry, then you stick it into something warm and soft, after some penetration its soft, short and wet?"
The Teacher immediatly slaps the Boys face.
#oldbutgold
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A feminist told me about the "Dwayne Johnson Rule." The rule, as she explained it..
was that in order to determine if a particular comment was appropriate to say to a woman, first ask yourself, 'Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?' If not, don't say it.
I thought this sounded like a good rule. So I told her:
"Your chest is fucking epic."
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
A couple of dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter.
"My dog is so smart," says the first owner, "that every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around. He tips the kid and then brings the newspaper to me, along with my morning coffee."
"I know," replied the second dog owner, "my dog told me."
#other
@Sickipedia
The world's richest man is dying. He has made peace with that.
But what is bothering him so much is that no one in the afterlife will even know that he has amassed such a colossal personal fortune. On Earth, everyone knows he's a self-made man who built this huge fortune from scratch, but he can't take it with him. Not that he could spend it, of course, but just to SHOW everyone what a great success the poor boy had become.
He broods over this so much that his guardian angel is worried. One night the angel flies to Heaven to consult Jesus. Jesus says
“Well, you know earthly wealth has no place here"
The angel replies
“I know Lord, but he's been such a good man. He was a selfless man on so many counts, he did so much for charity, ran his business humanely and all. He's only human. He can't help having this little quirk. Isn't there something we can do to ease his mind?"
Jesus thinks a moment.
“All right. Let's look him up in the Book of Life"
The Book is like a film of this man's life and seeing his struggles and accomplishments, Jesus is moved to tears.
He tells the guardian angel
“Find a discreet way to tell him that I will allow him to bring one suitcase - only one, mind you! And he can fill it with whatever wealth he chooses. At the moment of his death his suitcase and its contents will be brought to heaven with him.”
The angel goes down and delivers the message to the dying richest man.
The guy is happy, but what should he bring? He can't settle down on only one thing. Our money would mean nothing to people from another time, jewels could be faked, stocks and bonds could not be traded so they'd be just paper. Finally it dawns on him: gold! Gold has been valued throughout history and never got out of fashion.
He sends out for the biggest suitcase he can find, fills it with gold bars, and sets it beside his deathbed.
Now he can die in peace, and he does shortly after.
True to the promise he arrives at the Pearly Gates, suitcase in hand. St Peter greets him warmly and says
“All right. Let's see what was so important to you that eternal life and bliss wasn't enough"
The man proudly opens the suitcase, stuffed with row after row of little gold bars.
St Peter stares at it, puzzled, and sighs in utter disbelief:
“But... why did you bring pavement?”
#religion
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My wife stopped me from taking my first bite at the restaurant, saying that we need to pray first.
"Nah, there's no need" I replied.
"But why?" she asked. "We always pray at home when I cook dinner."
"Because I think we'll be fine here, the chef knows what he's doing."
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
Just heard Tom Rawson tell this one (he's mostly a singer, but he told a couple of jokes too):
A small-town preacher was proud of his ability to improvise a sermon on any topic, even if he knew nothing about it. He never prepared, just improvised on whatever came to his mind Sunday morning.
So one Sunday morning he woke up and told his wife, "I'm going to base my sermon today on horseback riding."
"But you don't know anything about horseback riding!" she said. "I don't want to watch you embarrass yourself, I'm staying home."
"All right," he said, and drove to church. On the way there, he began to have second thoughts. He really didn't know anything about horseback riding ... finally he decided to preach a sermon on love and intimacy in marriage.
It went very well — so well that when one of his congregants saw his wife at the grocery store the next day, she said, "You missed a great sermon yesterday — your husband was on fire! That was the best sermon I've ever heard!"
His wife said, "Really? He literally knows nothing about it. In all his life he's done it just twice — once before we were married, once after — and both times, he fell right off."
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.
All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points of their bodies and for every inch between them they would get 10k.
First up was the Army general. He chose to measure between the tips of his middle fingers with his arms spread wide.
Second was the Air Force, who chose the top of his head to the soles of his feet.
Then came the Marine General. "I want you to measure from the tip of my dick to my balls."
The men running the measuring laughed and then asked him, seriously, where he wanted to measure.
"I am being serious. Now start measuring."
The men tried to dissuade him but he was adamant. Finally, resigned, one of the men takes the measuring tape and goes to take the measurement. When the general removed his pants the man jumped up in shock.
"Sir! Where are your balls?!?"
"IN VIETNAM!"
#other
@Sickipedia
I just passed my drug test...
My dealer has some explaining to do!
#other
@Sickipedia
What is the difference between iron man and aluminium man ?
Iron man stops the bad guys, aluminium man just foils their plans.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door..
In a panic she told her lover “Hurry, stand in the corner. Don’t move until I tell you to. Just shut your eyes and pretend you’re a statue.”
At the moment her husband walked into the room. “What’s this, honey?” he asked.
“Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too.”
They went to sleep and then around three o’clock in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and came back with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
“Here,” he said to the statue, “eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths’ for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water.”
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
How do you make a honeymoon salad?
Lettuce alone, without any dressing.
#wordplay
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Is it pronounced “ee-ther” or “I-ther”?
Either
#wordplay
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What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 letters, always 6 letters, but never has 5 letters.
Hint: Not a question
#other
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