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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
So, it’s 1941 and a young German boy is listening to the radio. On the radio Hitler announces that Germany is declaring war on the United States.
The boy asks, “Father, where is the United States?”
“Here, let me show you,” His father responds and points at a map of North America.
The boy then asks, “We are at war with Russia too, right? Where’s that?”
The father then points at a map of the Soviet Union.
“I think we’re also at war with the British,” the boy says. “Where on the map are they?”
The father then points at the British isles and the numerous British colonies, dominions, and protectorates.
“And where are we, father?” The boy questions.
The father, starting to become annoyed by his son’s constant questioning, finds Central Europe and points out Germany.
The young boy processes what he has just been told for a moment.
“Father.”
“What now?” The father responds.
“I have one more question.”
“What is it?”
“Has Hitler seen this map?”
#other
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99% of lawyers make the rest of them look bad!
#other
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I Was Surprised When My deadbeat roommate actually had rent money on time
"Yeah, man, I got a job."
"Doing what?," I asked.
"I hang out in the alley and give blow jobs."
"Sounds like a hard way to make money."
"Nah, man, my very first night I made $300.05"
I scoffed, "Who paid you a nickel?"
He said, "They all did."
#sexandshit
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What do you call the sexuality where you're attracted to men and women but neither are attracted to you?
Bi-yourself
#wordplay
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When my girlfriend said she wanted me to be her sub...
I didn't expect to be making bass sounds in the boot of her car
#wordplay
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A blonde heard that milk baths would make her more beautiful, so she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your Note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons of milk. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath". The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?" The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs."
#worpdplay
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I told my wife I saw an alien on the way to work this morning
She said “how do you know it’s on its way to work?”
#wordplay
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What do you call a short naked mother who never puts in any effort?
The bare mini-mum.
#wordplay
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Why are trans women so good at swimming?
Because they are boyn’t
#wodplay
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Excuse me, can you pass the salt?
Na
#wordplay
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A mute man wanted to buy condoms, but he wasn't sure how to communicate with the pharmacist. His partner suggested he just whip his dick out on the counter and put $10 next to it.
When he returned, his partner asked: "Did you get the condoms?". He shook his head and replied (edit: in sign language): "No, I did just like you said, but then the pharmacist did the same and pocketed the cash!"
#other
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A man sits down next to a woman at the bar.
He orders a beer and notices the TV above the bar showing the 5 O'clock news
The news is covering someone standing on the edge of a bridge with the police trying to talk him down from jumping
The man at the bar looks to the woman next to him and says "I bet you $10 he jumps"
The woman looks at the man and says "I'll take that bet"
A few minutes go by and the man ends up jumping off the bridge
So the woman says "well you were right" and slides $10 to the man at the bar
he slides the money back and tells her "I can't in good conscience take the money, they showed this on the 4 O'clock news earlier I knew he was gonna jump"
The woman leaves the money on the bar and replies "well I saw the 4 O'clock news too, but I didn't think he would jump twice"
#other
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I hate generalisation
Everyone does it
#other
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A Jewish guy calls his mother in Florida.
"Hi, Mom. How have you been?"
"Not so good. I've been feeling weak."
"Weak? Why are you feeling weak?"
"I haven't eaten for 28 days!"
"Twenty-eight days?! Why? What's wrong?"
"I didn't want my mouth to be full of food in case you should call."
#oldbutgold
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I got 50 dollars from my mom...
She told me to take my brother to the movies, but not to bring him home before 6, so they had time to prepare his surprise birthday party.
That's the day I realized he was the favorite twin.
#other
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A high-society debutant is engaged to a low-born Greek guy.
Before the wedding, her mother takes her aside and says, "I've tried to talk you out of marrying this man, but you seem determined to go through with it, so just promise me one thing"
"Greeks have unnatural desires in the bedroom that are perverse, nasty, and disgusting. Just promise me now, if he ever asks you to 'roll over' you will refuse.
The girl agrees and goes through with the marriage. Everything proceeds fine until about 5 years into the marriage. One fateful night in bed, the Greek says,"Honey, tonight let's try something different, I want you to roll over.
She is shocked by the suggestion! "My mother warned me about you! That is sick and disgusting! How dare you ask such a thing of me?"
"But", says her husband, "don't you want to have children?"
#oldbutgold
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Guy walks into a bar and yells, "Hey barkeep, how about a round of drinks for everyone here before the shit starts?"
Everyone cheers. Bartender says ok, and pours a round of beers for the whole bar.
A little while later the guy yells again, "Hey barkeep, how about another round of drinks before the shit starts?"
Everyone cheers louder. Bartender says ok, and pours another round of beers for the whole bar.
Later still, the guy yells again, "Hey barkeep, can we get some more drinks before the shit starts?"
The bartender asks, "Hey, man. Are you gonna pay for all these drinks?"
The guy says, "Uh oh, here's where the shit starts."
#other
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Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One says to the other...
"I can't believe I blew 40 bucks in there"
#wordplay
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I discovered a month -old text on my wife's phone. It said, "Babe, I've sent you $300. Give your husband $100 and keep the rest for your sexy self." I texted him back: "Hi, this is her husband. I never got my money. Please talk to her."
#other
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Chuck Norris slept with a hooker.
When they were done, she paid him.
#other
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In Jerusalem, a female journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out.
She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was!
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.
“Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wall and praying?”
“For about 60 years.”
“60 years! That’s amazing! What do you pray for?”
“I pray for peace. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship.”
“How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?”
“Like I’m talking to a wall!”
#religion
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My first time buying condoms as a teenager, I went to the pharmacy.
The hot cashier at the counter could see that I was new at it and gave me the pack asking if I knew how to use one. I said, "No, it's my first time."
She took one out, put it on her thumb, and told me to make sure it was on tight.
I still looked confused.
She looked around the store to see if it was empty and it was.
"Just a minute." she said and locked the door.
She led me to the back room, took off her shirt and bra.
"You like these?"
I could only nod my head.
She said to put the condom on.
As I was putting it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down.
"Come on." she said. "We don't have much time."
So I climbed on her.
It was so amazing that I couldn't hold back and KAPOW! I was done in two minutes!
She looked at me concerned and asked, "Did you put the condom on?"
I said, "I sure did!"
...and held up my thumb to show her.
#sexandshit
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What do you call an alcoholic bodybuilder?
Jacked Daniels
#wordplay
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I matched with a tinder profile that had no pics.
We chatted a bit. Smart and funny so i asked for a date. She said yes!
I'm not expecting much, probably 400lbs. But she answered the door, this little strawberry blomde with a head full of curls and all the right curves in all the right places. We exchanged our real names and i asked what she did for a living. She says, "Sunday school teacher". Now i ain't never had me Christian girl, but I'm open minded about it, so I'm driving her to.the second best restaurant i can think of.
I pullout a joint if my best weed and ask 8f she wants an appetite. She says "Heavens no, what would i tell my sunday school children?". Well,some people smoke and some don't so i thought nothing of it.
We go to the restaurant andi i order a steak, she gets the lobster. I order the second most expensive bottle of wine on the menu. But when the waitress brings it she says she doesn't drink. My mind is blowm. "You don't drink?"
"Heavens no. What would i tell my sunday school children?"
We have a good time, laughing at each others jokes, but i know this is a bust as i drink up that overpriced bottle by mysrlf.
As I'm driving her home i pass a cheap hotel and figuring i got nothing to lose ask her :"want to get a room and knock boots?"
She says " I thought you'd never ask. "
I'm like really?!? "what will you tell your sunday school children?"
She said the same thing i tell them every week
"You don't have to drink and smoke to have a good time "
#religion
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The woman says to her husband: "If i had known you were so poor, i wouldn't have married you."
Husband: "But I told you that you were the most valuable thing in my life."
#wordplay
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Gen Z names are so stupid. For instance, a young man introduced himself to me as Jathan..... Not Jason. Not Nathan... Jathan.
I'm not good with remembering names so I try to incorporate them into the conversation to help me to remember. So I said to him
"It's very nice to meet you Jathan."
"That is a very unique name, Jathan."
"Are you from around here Jathan?"
To which he replied
"Wow, are you theriouth right now?"
#other
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A man who lost his hat decided the easiest way to replace it was to steal it.
So he goes to the local church in search of a hat. A sermon about the ten commandments was going on as he made his way to the cloakroom. He stopped, thought for a moment, and changed his mind.
Upon seeing the pastor, the man walks up to him and says, "Father, I must say, your sermon saved me from doing something wrong. I came here with sin in my heart, but your sermon showed me the error of my ways." Upon hearing this, the pastor congratulates him and asks him what specifically made him change his mind, to which the man replies, "You see, I lost my hat and came here to steal one from the cloakroom. But when you got to the 'Thou shalt not commit adultery' part, I suddenly remembered where I left my hat."
#other
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My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
#wordplay
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The year is 2028 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Sarah Goldstein. She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?" "I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again." "Don't worry about it, Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door." "I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy; what on earth would I wear? Sarah replies, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown, custom-made by the best designer in New York." "Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat." The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York; kosher all the way Mom, I really want you to come."
So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2029, Sarah Goldstein is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new President's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her and says, "You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States?" The senator whispers back, "Yes, I do." Mom says proudly, "Her brother is a doctor."
#oldbutgold
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A young guy called Tommy bought a horse from a farmer for $250 and the farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Tommy the following day.
The next day though, the farmer turned up at Tommy’s house and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.”
Tommy replied, “Well, then just give me my money back. That’s fine.”
The farmer said, “Sorry, I can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”
Tommy then said, “Okay, then, just bring me the dead horse.”
The farmer was surprised and asked Tommy, “Why? What ya gonna do with him?”
Tommy replied, “I’m going to raffle him off.”
The farmer laughed and said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse! Who’d buy a ticket?”
Tommy answered, “Sure I can, just watch me. I just won’t tell anybody the horse is dead.”
A month later, the farmer met up with Tommy again and asked, “What happened with that dead horse in the end. Did you raffle him off?”
Tommy said, “I sure did. I sold 500 tickets at $5 a piece.”
The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?”
Tommy smiled and said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $5 back.”
#other
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