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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
A German man walks into a McDonald's in the United States...
After waiting in line, he finally gets to the counter, and he orders a pint of beer, because you can get beer at McDonalds in Germany.
An American customer overhears the man's order, and he approaches the German man and says, "How could you be so stupid? you cannot order beer here." while laughing at the German man right to his face.
The German man thinks for a second and then he starts laughing uncontrollably. Not just any laugh. This is a laugh so intense that he is struggling not to fall over.
The American customer is no longer laughing. He now has a puzzled look on his face. He asks the German man, "what's so funny?" The German man says, "I just realized that you came here for the food."
#roast
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How about this one?
I named my toilet "Jim" instead of "John". Everyone is so impressed when I say I go to the "Jim" every morning.
#wordplay
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A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”
Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.
After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.
She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.
After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.
"She's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie.
I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like."
He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.
She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed.
Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote...
"I can see your feet. We're outta bread: be back in five minutes."
#other
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The KGB, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at catching criminals.
The Secretary General of the UN decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that the rabbit does not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies: the rabbit had it coming.
The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!”
#oldbutgold
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What has more letters than “The Alphabet?”
The Post Office
#other
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My sister, Rachel, just came out as a lesbian and introduced us to her girlfriend. Also named Rachel
It's my first time meeting an interrachel couple.
#wordplay
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Three cowboys are settling down after a long day herding cattle.
The first cowboy says, "You know, it takes a real man's man to do this job. I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why? just the other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns, with my bare hands."
The second cowboy not to be outdone, shakes his head and replies, "You think that's tough? Why, I was walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot long rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands and bit its head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today!"
The first and second cowboy glance over expectantly at the third cowboy, but he just smiles and says nothing, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.
#other
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Success is like pregnancy.
Everybody congratulates you,
but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.
#oldbutgold
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A Roman centurion goes to the movie theater. When the movie's over, he asks for a refund.
"No one told me that my movie was going to be a pornographic one," the centurion tells the ticket-taker.
The ticket-taker says, "Sir, look at the marquee. It says right here what kind of movies we play here."
Looking back up at the marquee, the centurion responds "You lie! There are most certainly not 30 movies!"
#wordplay
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So I was out having beers with the boys the other day . . .
The wife calls and says, "If you're not home in ten minutes I'm feeding the dinner I cooked to the dog!"
I was home in five minutes! I'd hate for anything to happen to that dog.
#roast
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Man killed by shark whilst on honeymoon
Doctors said he didn't suffer much as he'd only been married 5 days.
#boomerhumor
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A man haunted by his sins went to the church for a confession with the priest...
There's a devout Catholic man who once committed a regrettable act – he gave his best friend a blowjob while intoxicated. Filled with remorse, he decided to seek forgiveness from God and headed to the church.
Inside the church, he approached the priest and says he wants to confessed his sin, the priest say: "no need to tell me, take a look on this book" The priest handed him a book containing a list of sins along with their corresponding penances for forgiveness.
As he flipped through the pages, he noticed various sins and their prescribed prayers:
"Stealing: 10 Hail Marys and 10 Our Fathers"
"Gluttony: 10 Hail Marys"
"Envy: 10 Our Fathers"
He searched the entire book but couldn't find the specific sin he was seeking forgiveness for – "blowjob." Feeling puzzled, he spotted one of the altar boys nearby, a regular helper at the church. He decided to ask for advice.
Approaching the altar boy, he inquired hesitantly, "Hey, young fellow, I'm not sure how to handle a situation. What does the priest usually give for. blowjobs?
The altar boy, unaware of the man's situation, thought for a moment and responded cheerfully, "Well, for me, the priest usually gives a bag of Cheetos! But as for you, I guess you'll have to negotiate that with him!"
#sexandshit
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You know the difference between sex for money and sex for free?
Sex for money is a whole lot cheaper.
#other
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A lawyer’s wife died. At her grave, everyone was appalled.
The tombstone read, “HERE LIES PHYLLIS, WIFE OF ATTORNEY MURRAY WILLIAMS; SPECIALIZES IN DIVORCE AND MALPRACTICE”.
Murray burst into tears. His brother said, “You SHOULD cry, pulling a cheap publicity stunt like this.”
Murray said, “You don’t understand. I gave them my business card.”
His brother apologized.
“…and they didn’t include the phone number!”
#other
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A man is about to enter a casino, but is approached by a beggar just as he’s about to go in the door…
The beggar asks, “Hey man, can you spare a bit of money? I’m hungry, and could really use a jacket and a new pair of shoes.”
“Wait a minute”, says the man, “How do I know you’re not just going to take the money and go gamble it all away?”
“Oh, don’t worry… I won’t”, replies the beggar, “I’ve got gambling money!”
#other
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My girlfriend is like the square root of -100
A solid 10, but also imaginary
#wordplay
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A man and his wife are having trouble in bed...
... the woman never even gets close to having an orgasm. She complains to her husband that it is way too warm in their house and that's why she can't have an orgasm.
The man decides to consult a sex therapist for a possible solution. The therapist says the man should cool his wife off by wafting her with a towel.
Later that day, the man asks his best friend if he could help him and his wife by wafting her with a towel during sex. The friend, hesitant at first, agrees.
Later, the man and his wife are having sex while the friend is in the room, wafting her with the towel. This goes on for quite a while, until the wife complains that it doesn't seem to help.
The husband, now out of ideas, asks his friend to have sex with his wife while he is wafting her himself. The friend agrees and soon after they are having sex while the husband is standing next to the bed, wafting his wife with cool air.
Not long after, the wife has the best orgasm she's ever had, leaving her panting and gasping for air. The husband loudly proclaims: "See, that's how you waft a towel!"
#oldbutgold
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A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."
#sexandshit
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What's worse than child labour ?
Child neighbour
#wordplay
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A man inherited a farm and decided to remodel it...
He had a great business idea. Turn it into a country vacation destination. Tours for kids, horseback and wagon rides. Learn to milk cows the old fashioned way. Eat fresh farm raised food... Well, he encountered one problem.
There was an ornery old rooster that didn't like strangers hanging about, and would attack them if he got the chance. He didn't have the heart to get rid of him. After all this was his home too. So he calls up an old high-school buddy that he had heard was down on his luck and offers him a job. He needed him to follow the old rooster around with broom, and intercept the old bird if it looked like he was heading towards any guests.
The old buddy understood the job, but had one question. Why him and not a local farm boy? "Well, you remember how, when we were in high-school, you were popular with the ladies? And when I thought I finally had a chance, you'd swoop in take her away? Well I wanted someone who could do a good job stopping that rooster, and you're the best cock-blocker I know."
#wordplay
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Google is 25 years old now
In other news, Leonardo DiCaprio has announced that he'll be using Bing search now.
#other
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Do you know everything?
Without being arrogant, yes, I do.
It's an indefinite pronoun.
#other
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A world famous statistician was stopped by TSA at the airport
on his way to catch a flight to Washington DC. When they opened up his bag they found a bomb in it. Subsequently he was handcuffed and taken to the station for questioning. When asked about it he said, “I always carry a bomb with me for every fight!” The investigator questioned this, saying “Why would you do such a thing?” To which the statistician replied, “because the odds of two people having bombs on the same flight are astronomical!”
#oldbutgold
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The teacher fell asleep in class and a little naughty boy walked up to him...
Little boy: "Teacher are you ... sleeping in class?"
Teacher : "No I am not sleeping in class."
Little boy : "What were you doing sir ?"
Teacher : " I was talking to God."
The next day the naughty boy fell asleep in class and the same teacher walks up to him...
Teacher : "young man, you are sleeping in my class."
Little boy : "No not me sir,I am not sleeping."
Angry teacher: "What were you doing.??"
Little boy : "I was talking to God."
Angry teacher: "What did He say??"
Little boy : "God said He never spoke to you yesterday..."
#other
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I wasn't upset when my gf dumped me because I had a small penis.
I was never really that much into her.
#wordplay
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My coworker keeps complaining about his lunch being stolen from the break room fridge.
Monday morning he brought in a turkey and provolone on wheat bread. Put it in the fridge. By lunch time it was gone.
Tuesday he brought in ham and cheddar on white bread. Put it in the fridge, again gone by lunch.
Today he brought a chicken ceaser wrap. Gone by noon.
I hope he brings a pastrami and Swiss tommorow. That's my favorite.
#oldbugold
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It's a hot day at the end of summer, and a man walks into a local ice cream parlor and looks at the menu and orders a single scoop of chocolate ice cream.
Employee: "Sorry, we're all out of chocolate ice cream today."
Customer: " Awhhh... well, okay." "Umm... lemme get a double scoop of chocolate ice cream."
The employee sighs and replies: "Sorry sir, I don't know if you heard me, but we're all out of chocolate ice cream."
Customer: "Ohh right right... okay, umm... lemme have a triple scoop of your chocolate ice cream then."
Employee: "Sir, we don't have chocolate ice cream... You can have vanilla or you can have strawberry, but we're all out of chocolate!"
Customer: "Oh I'm so sorry, I misunderstood... why don't you just give me a pint of chocolate ice cream then."
Now the employee is completely annoyed, and replies "Mister...Do you see the 'straw' in 'strawberry'?"
Customer: "Yeah, of course I see the 'straw' in 'strawberry'"
Employee: "Okay great! Do you see the 'van' in vanilla?"
Customer (A little irritated): "Yes I do see the van in vanilla"
Employee: "Fantastic! Now do you see the 'FUCK' in chocolate?" Customer: "Wait... there ain't no 'Fuck' in chocolate??"
Employee: "That's what I've been trying to tell you...
THERE AIN'T NO FUCKIN' CHOCOLATE!"
#oldbutgold
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A man in a bar is drinking whiskey and says: with what I have, I shouldn't be drinking so much...
Then he turns to the bartender and says: give me another one, even though... with what I have, I shouldn't be drinking so much.
As soon as he finishes drinking, he goes back to the bartender and asks for another whiskey, still murmuring: with what I have, I shouldn't be drinking so much.
At that point, the bartender, intrigued, asks: what do you have that you keep saying you shouldn't be drinking so much?
— What do I have? I only have 1 dollar!
#other
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My wife beamed at me with pride and said, “Wow! I can’t believe our son would go so far.”
Me: Me neither. This trebuchet is awesome. Go get our daughter.
#oldbutgold
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A man suspected her wife to cheat on him while he was at work.
A man suspected his wife to cheat on him while he was at work. He told his best friend about it.
- I could place a hidden camera in the bedroom, but I don't want to spend that much money...
- Well, there's an easy and cheap way to be sure: attach a spoon under your mattress, and place a bowl filled with milk under it. That way, if your wife goes to bed with someone, the mattress will sink and the spoon will touch the milk. All you have to do when you get home is to check if milk is on the spoon or not.
The man agrees to do so and goes home.
2 days later, they meet again.
- So, did you do it?
- Yeah, I did everything you told me: I put the spoon, the bowl, the milk, etc. And I checked yesterday evening.
- So?
- The bowl was full of butter.
#sexandshit
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