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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
I am so broke…
That people break into my house and leave me food.
#other
@Sickipedia
I have a lot of fat friends.
Well, just two but it seems like a lot more
#roast
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A Frenchman, an Italian and a Russian all end up in hell. The Frenchman begs to make one last call home to see how his family is coping. The devil says fine, it’ll cost you an extra thousand years in the flames. The Frenchman agrees, and tearfully listens to his wife doing his brother.
The Italian begs to call home to see how his daughters are doing. That’ll be an extra thousand years in the flaming pit, says the devil. So be it, says the Italian, and weeps as he listens to his children selling the farm.
Now I want to call home, says the Russian, and grabs the receiver. He hears his neighbours robbing his house. How much is that, he asks the devil, who replies that it costs nothing. How dare you, shouts the Russian, you took a thousand agonising years off the frog and the eyetie, what’s wrong? Is my pain not good enough for you?
No, no, says the devil, local calls are free.
#russians
@Sickipedia
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
....with a silent 'cr'.
#roast
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My wife said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 2 35 pm.
#other
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I yelled "Cow!" at a woman on a bike. She gave me the finger. Then she plowed her bike straight into the cow.
#other
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What's the best way to insult a guy who forgot to zip up his fly?
"Don't worry - it's no big thing!"
#roast
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Anyone can masturbate under the sheet
But it takes skill to do it without the barber noticing.
#sexandshit
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How does an alchemist make his wife happy?
Elixer
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
What is worse than finding a hair in your soup
Finding C4
#other
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A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can’t cut me down!,” the tree complains, “I’m a talking tree!”
The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A man goes to his friend's house and knocks on the door.
The wife responds and only had a towel on her.
The man looks at her and says: is your husband here?
She said: yes, he's taking a bath.
The man: I'll give you $100 if you drop the towel.
Wife: you are crazy, I would never do that.
The man: I'll give you $250 if you drop it.
Wife: I told you no. what do you want?
The man: okay, $500!
Wife thinks and says: okay but fast.
She drops the towel, and the man gives her the $500 and tells her. Thank you, tell your husband I'll be back later.
The wife walks in, and the husband asks who it was.
Wife: It was John looking for you, but he says he's coming later.
Husband: oh! did he give you the $500 that he owes me.
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
A man walks into a bar and sees another man at the bar with a dog next to him.
He says to him, "Hey there, does your dog bite?" and the man says "No mate, my dog's the friendliest creature in the world, you can do anything with him."
So he goes to pat the dog and it absolutely goes for him and by the time three other men in the bar manage to get it off him he's bleeding in half a dozen places and his clothes are torn to shreds. He says to the man at the bar "I thought you said your dog didn't bite?!"
"...That's not my dog," he answers.
#other
@Sickipedia
A nun and a priest decide to take a day off, so they go golfing. The nun gets a hole-in-one, but the priest hits it into a sand trap. He's so angry, he shouts "God dammit, I missed!".
The nun reminds him not to take the Lord's name in vain, and the priest apologizes and tries again. He hits it into the rough, and in his anger, shouts "God dammit, I MISSED!". The nun once again tells him not to take the Lord's name in vain, and he apologizes again. On his third shot, he hits it into the water and yells "GOD DAMMIT I MISSED!" and before the nun can say anything, a bolt of lightning strikes the nun, killing her instantly. Out of nowhere, a loud voice booms "dammit, I missed".
#religion
@Sickipedia
A guy is lying on his death bed and he smells his wife cooking some delicious brisket. He turns to his son and says "please bring me some of that delicious food so that I can taste it one last time", his son goes to the kitchen but then returns to his dad empty handed "Mum said it's for the funeral".
#other
@Sickipedia
A 90 year-old mother is on her deathbed. Summoning her last bit of strength, she lifts her head and whispers: "Is my beloved husband John here with me?" And John says, "Yes, I am here."
She then says: "Are my children — my wonderful children — are they here with me?" And they reply, "Yes Mother, we are here with you to see you breathe your last."
And she says: "Are my brothers and sisters here with me as well?" And they too tell her that they are there.
So the mother lays back quietly, closes her eyes, and says, "If everybody is here ... why is the light on in the kitchen?"
#oldbutgold
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At a religious school, a teacher asks her pre-school class which part of their body they think goes to Heaven first.
“I think it’s your hands!” a boy answers.
“Why is that?” the teacher asks.
“Because when you pray, you put your hands in front of you,” the boy explains.
“Very good answer!” the teacher compliments. “Does anyone else have another answer?”
“I think it’s your legs!” a girl replies.
“Why is that?” the teacher asks.
“Because,” the girl explains, “last night, when I walked into Mommy and Daddy’s room, Mommy had her legs high up in the air and was screaming, ‘Oh God, I’m coming! I’m coming!’ If Daddy wasn’t lying on top of her holding her down, God might’ve taken her.”
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
Three mice are drinking at a bar talking about which one is the toughest. The first mouse takes a shot and says "I'm so tough the people living in my house put rat poison out, and I simply grab it, break it up, and put it in my morning coffee!"
The second mouse takes a shot and says "That's nothing. They try to get me with a mouse trap. I just grab the cheese and when the lever comes flying down I lay on my back catch it and bench press it 20 times."
The third one takes his shot, slams it down, and stands up. "I don't have time for this. I've got to go home and fuck the cat."
#sexandshit
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Knock knock.
Who’s there?
9/11.
9/11 who?
You said you’d never forget!
#other
@Sickipedia
A man met this lady at a bar and they decided to go to her place to have sex after the bar closed...
They're in the bedroom and he takes off his shoes and socks."My goodness what happened to you're feet?"She asks.
"I had tolio," He replied. "Dont you mean polio?" She asks."No. This just affected my feet. It's called toelio."She thought nothing of it and continued to undress. He takes off his pants and immediately she screams,"What happened to your knees?"I had kneesles."he said."Don't you mean measles,"she asked."No.This type only effects the knees.Its called kneesles. When he took off his shorts she said,"Let me guess, Smallcox."
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A man had a 25" long penis and it created difficulties in his life as it was not easy to move around with it and women were afraid of him too. He also had a very high pitched voice.
He went to see a doctor. "What can I do about my enormous penis?" he asked in a high pitched voice.
The doctor examined him carefully. "Your penis is so large that you can't get any blood to your vocal chords. But we can do a penis transplant, to give you a normal sized penis, and that will fix your voice."
The man thought about it. "Okay," he said in his high pitched voice.
He woke up after the operation and he felt great. His new penis was a normal size. He could walk, he could run, and best of all, his voice was completely normal!
But after a few weeks he realized having a 25-inch penis was pretty cool. Finally he went back to the doctor. "I've thought about it and I would like to undo the operation."
"That's impossible," the doctor said in a high pitched voice.
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
You should not type 'U' instead of "You" when you post
Do you younderstand me?
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A woman dies and goes to the afterlife. They tell her:
- You were a righteous woman in your life. You may go to Heaven, here is the queue.
She joins the queue, starts waiting... suddenly, she hears a horrible scream.
- What was that? - she asks a nearby angel.
- Well, a new soul is being converted into an angel, so they drill holes in their back for wings.
She pales. Suddenly, she hears an even MORE horrible scream.
- And that was?..
- Now, that's holes being drilled in the soul's head, for the halo.
- No, I don't want that. No such Heaven. Send me to Hell now!
- Do you even know what you're asking for? - the angel looks at her incredulously. - As soon as you get there, demons will pounce upon you. Do you know what kind of sodomy they'll do to you?
The woman thinks for a moment:
- Whatever. Send me there. At least for that, I've already got the holes.
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
A child asked her mom "how did I come to this world?"
The mom, misty eyed answered, “Once upon a time your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth, and I took care of it every single day. The little seed grew more and more leaves, and in a few months it turned into a beautiful healthy plant. Soon afterwards, when it was ready... we dried it, smoked it and then got so high that we had sex without a condom".
#other
@Sickipedia
What's long, hard, has the letters D, C, K, I, and has cum in it?
Dick
#antijoke
@Sickipedia
I tried jabbing a hole in my condom to get my girlfriend pregnant…
Now I just need to figure out how to get my dick to stop bleeding
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
On their wedding night, the groom asks his new bride, "Honey, am I your first?"
She replied, "Why does everyone ask me that??"
#other
@Sickipedia
An old man goes to the drugstore and ask the pharmacist, "Do they make any pills that can help a man be more confident in having sex with his wife?"
The pharmacist replies, "Certainly, that sort of thing is actually more common that you may know. I take Viagra pills myself and it works quite well."
The old man asks, "Can you get it over the counter?"
The pharmacist thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, probably if I took 2 or 3 of them at once."
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don't like fast food.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
What has 5 letters and tastes like blood?
Brick
#other
@Sickipedia