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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
If a pro lifer asks "What if Mary aborted Jesus"?
Replying "it would have sped things along" isn't the answer they were looking for.
#religion
@Sickipedia
Last night I was offered a threesome by two hot twins
Sex with Jessica felt great, but Jeremy was a pain in the ass.
#wordplay
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A train conductor kills 2 people and is sentenced to the electric chair...
A train conductor ends up killing two people while on the job. He is found guilty and sentenced to the electric chair. When the day comes, he is asked what he would want for his last meal, and he requests a banana. After finishing his meal, he is strapped to the chair and electrocuted. However, by some miracle, he ends up surviving.
Seeing as he technically served his sentence, he is released from prison, where he gets a job as a train conductor. This time, he ends up killing three people while on the job and is sentenced to the electric chair. The day comes, and for his last meal, he asks for two bananas. He finishes them and gets strapped to the chair, but he ends up surviving the electrocution again. He was released from prison for the same reason as before.
He gets another job as a train conductor and ends up killing four people this time. He is sentenced to the electric chair again, and for his last meal, he asks for three bananas. He finishes his meal and gets strapped to the chair. The guards shock him for longer than necessary and use more power, but he ends up surviving again.
The guards, all surprised, ask him, "How do you keep surviving every time? And why do you keep ordering bananas, do they save you?" The man replies, "It has nothing to do with the food, I'm just a really bad conductor."
#oldbutgold
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Is it ok for me to start drinking as soon as the kids are at school?
Or does that make me a bad teacher?
#other
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How does Rob Zombie make brownies?
EGGS, milk and flour and
BAKE, for half an hour and
FROST, with the back of my
SPATULA!
#other
@Sickipedia
Three nuns die in a car accident and arrive at the pearly gates.
St. Peter says to the first nun, "Sister, you've lead an exemplary life, performed many good deeds, feed the hungry, cared for the sick. Do you have anything to confess before I let you in to heaven?" The nun looks serious and answers him, "St. Peter, I have to confess something. Once, when I was a young novice and naive about the world, I gave a man a hand job in the confessional." St. Peter is surprised, but he tells her, "Well, sister, that was one tiny mistake in a lifetime of pious service. Wash your hands in the holy water, say 10 hail Marys and you can go on in to heaven." Seeing all this, the third nun in line taps the sister in front of her and says, "Sister, would it be ok if I cut in front of you in line?" The second nun says, "well, certainly sister, but why?" The third nun replies "I want to gargle that holy water before you stick your ass in it."
#oldbutgold
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What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.
#roast
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Whenever my wife is upset I let her colour in my black and white tattoos.
Sometimes she needs a shoulder to crayon.
#wordplay
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Last night a local church was robbed. Miraculously the golden Jesus on the cross was left behind.
They took everything that wasn't nailed down.
#religion
@Sickipedia
When is a joke a dad joke?
When it is apparent.
#wordplay
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A man gets on a crowded hotel elevator.
In doing so he accidently elbows a woman in the breast. He pauses and whispers "Ma'am I apologize but if your heart is soft as your breast you'll forgive me" She responds "Of course you are forgiven, and if your dick get's as firm as your elbow, I'm in room 1145"
#sexandshit
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Why are neo-Nazis the highest per-capita consumers of men's sex toys?
Because they prefer their flesh light.
#wordplay
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Cop asks a guy..how high are you?
Guy: no officer, it's hi, how are you.
#other
@Sickipedia
"So, I guess you've never been with a prostitute before then." She said.
I replied "Well, No, but how can you tell?"
She said "Look, don't worry about it, just take the pound coins out my vagina and we'll start again."
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
Duck stands before the judge. Judge says "why are you here?"
Duck "I was caught blowing bubbles in the lake your honor"
Judge "thats stupid, case dismissed"
Next duck comes in.
Judge "why are you here?"
Duck "I was caught blowing bubbles in the lake your honor"
Judge "thats stupid, case dismissed"
Next duck comes in.
Judge "let me guess, you were caught blowing bubbles in the lake?"
Duck "no your honor! I am bubbles"
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
I asked God what the most unlikely thing in the world was.
He replied.
#religion
@Sickipedia
A business man is leaving his wife for a week and has concerns about her straying while away.
He visits a number of adult toy stores looking for something that will keep his wife "busy" while he's gone. After hours of searching he eventually stumbles into a Chinese Herb and Erotic Tincture shop in Chinatown. After telling the old man running the store of his dilemma, the old shopkeeper thinks for a bit.
He says, "I think I have something that will work, but it's not for the faint of heart or for the undisciplined. In fact, it may be too much for your wife."
The man's interest piqued, says, "If it wears her out, that's even better. I'll take it."
After many more warnings and even more haggling over the price, the shopkeeper produces an old wooden box, inscribed in gold with beautiful pictograms and unknown writing. "This is the voodoo dick. To make it work, your wife must simply say 'Voodoo Dick - vagina'."
The man, not sure if he believes what he's hearing asks for a demonstration. The shopkeeper opens the box and exclaims, "Voodoo dick - the cabinet". Pointing to an old cabinet in the corner of the shop, the voodoo dick rises out of its box and flies across the shop and starts pounding at the keyhole. As it's pounding, the cabinet begins to shake as the voodoo dick chips away until the cabinet eventually crumbles into a pile of wood and splinters.
The old shopkeeper then says "Voodoo dick - your box." The voodoo dick obediently flies back into the box with the lid snapping shut behind it.
Agreeing to the exorbitant price and happy with his purchase, the man leaves the store with his wife's new toy.
The next morning as the business man gets ready for his trip, he tells his wife that he's got a present for her. He has her get undresses and lie on the bed and then opens the box and exclaims, "Voodoo dick - her vagina." The man then tells his wife that she only need to say "voodoo dick - your box" when done.
In her state of excitement, however, she completely ignores and disregards his instructions. The husband, leaves for his business trip comforted in the knowledge that his wife will have no reason to stray.
After several hours of orgasms and immense pleasure, and a few half hearted attempts at getting the voodoo dick to stop, the woman finally decides she has had enough. Unfortunately she still can't remember how to stop it. She yells everything she can think of, "voodoo dick, stop", "voodoo dick, halt", and on and on. Nothing is working.
She finds the receipt with the address of the shop and decides to head to the shopkeeper for help. She struggles to get dressed as the voodoo dick continues to relentlessly give her orgasm after orgasm. She gets in her car and heads towards Chinatown, swerving across lanes and squirming around in her seat.
A policeman sees the erratic driving and behavior and pulls the woman over. Seeing her disheveled appearance, he asks, "Is everything ok, are you having a medical emergency?"
The woman collects herself the best she can and says, "My husband got me a voodoo dick and it won't stop. I've had like 60 orgasms. I can't figure out how to get the voodoo dick to stop. So I'm heading to Chinatown to ask the man that sold him the voodoo dick."
The officer looks at the woman in disbelief and says, "Voodoo dick - my ass!"
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
There’s a fine line between a numerator a denominator
Only a fraction of people will get that joke
#wordplay
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I asked God for money
I later found out that God doesn't work that way. So I robbed a bank, then asked for forgiveness.
#oldbutgold
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Yo mama is so fat…
I know six fat people and she’s 5 of them.
#roast
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I wanted to tell a joke about Jonestown
but the punchline is too long
#wordplay
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A 7 year old & 4 year old are in their bedroom. “You know what” says 7 year old “I think its time we started swearing…
A 7 year old & 4 year old are in their bedroom. "You know what" says 7 year old "I think its time we started swearing. When we go downstairs for breakfast I'lI swear first then you". "OK" says 4 year old. Mum asks 7 yr old what he wants for breakfast. "I'II have Coco pops, bitch". WHACK, he flew out of his chair crying his eyes out. Mum looked at 4yr old & said sternly "And what do you want?". "Dunno but it won't be fucking coco pops.”
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
My Asian waiter just handed my food to the wrong customer because he's racist and thinks all white people look the same.
Wait, nevermind. That wasn't my waiter.
#racism
@Sickipedia
My wife asked me what would I do if she was choking...
I told her I would back up two inches...
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
I’m terrified of elevators.
So I’m taking steps to mitigate my fears.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A Home Owner walks into his Back Yard...
And sees a gorilla in his tree. He calls the Gorilla Removal Services (GRS) and they send one of their guys over.
The man shows up with a stick, hand cuffs, a chihuahua and shot gun and goes on to explain how he'll get the Gorilla down.
GRS Guy: "I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick. When the Gorilla falls, the chihuahua will bite his weener. When Gorilla grabs his crotch, slap on the hand cuffs."
Home owner nods in understanding but remembers to ask: "What's the shotgun for?"
GRS Guy: "If I fall first, shoot the chihuahua."
#other
@Sickipedia
Boss: You're 4 hours late! What's the matter?
Employee: I fell from the 2nd floor this morning.
Boss: That's 20 feet tall! It shouldn't take you more than 5 seconds!
#other
@Sickipedia
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now enjoy it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions existing in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose
If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year, that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then Number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A
#oldbutgold
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During my job interview I was asked: “After a long week how do you normally recharge your batteries?”
"Through high voltage nipple clamps” wasn’t the answer they were expecting
#sexandhsit
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There's a highway to hell but a stairway to heaven.
Says a lot about the expected traffic
#other
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