13643
The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
A man is in his boat out on the lake with a bucket full of fish that he had just caught. A wildlife officer spots him and pulls his boat up alongside. Seeing the bucket of fish in the man's boat, the wildlife officer asks to see his fishing license.
The man tells the officer that he doesn't need a fishing license.
The wildlife officer looks down at the bucket and says "you definitely need a license to be catching fish, I can see that you've been fishing today. You have live fish right there."
The man says "oh no, those are my pet fish. I just brought them out here for the day to enjoy the lake."
"Pet fish?" Replied the wildlife officer
"Oh absolutely, I let him out of the bucket and they swim around and play, but when I whistle they all jump right back in. They are very well trained."
The wildlife officers scratches his chin, then says. "I've never heard such a. Well I've got to see this."
The man dumps the bucket of fish into the lake, then calmly turns and looks at the wildlife officer.
The wildlife officer says. "Well, call them back. "
The man says "call who back."
The wild life officer says "your pet fish."
"What fish?" Replied the man.
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
I still remember my grandfathers final words
looking up the more and more I look, the more it looks like a pian-
#stupid
@Sickipedia
Age is not an excuse. I just caught an 80-year-old man doing exercise down a hill.
He was very acrobatic too, doing flips in his wheelchair.
#other
@Sickipedia
ℹ️ Sorry for double-posting. The issues will be resolved soon
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Arnold Schwarzenegger used to say "I'll be back." Then he got old...
Now he just says, "Ow! My back!"
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Age is not an excuse. I just caught an 80-year-old man doing exercise down a hill.
He was very acrobatic too, doing flips in his wheelchair.
#other
@Sickipedia
Arnold Schwarzenegger used to say "I'll be back." Then he got old...
Now he just says, "Ow! My back!"
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
An explorer was hacking a path deep into an almost impenetrable rainforest.
After a few weeks, he stumbled across a large clearing in the trees.
Right in the middle of the clearing was a huge bull elephant, laying down on its side, motionless. As the explorer cautiously approached the elephant, he could see that it wasn’t breathing.
On closer inspection, the explorer noticed a small trickle of blood running down the elephant’s neck. He eyed the trickle of blood back up to its source, where a tiny Pygmy tribesman sat, naked, with a wide grin on his face.
“Bloody hell”, said the explorer. “What happened here?”
“It’s dead”, replied the Pygmy, from on top of the giant elephant. “I killed it.”
The explorer was astounded. “But this elephant is huge… it must weigh at least four tons… and you’re 3ft tall. How on earth did you manage to kill it?”
“Easy”, said the Pygmy. “I did it with my club.”
“Your club?”, replied the explorer. “It must have been a pretty big club.”
“It is”, said the Pygmy.
“There’s 300 of us in it.”
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
I started my new job as a bingo caller last night and halfway through calling the numbers I farted loudly. My boss immediately came over and whispered in my ear, "Don't do that again."
"Sorry," I said, "It must be the nerves."
"Fair enough," he replied, "But there was no need to hold the microphone directly on your asshole."
#other
@Sickipedia
Arnold Schwarzenegger used to say "I'll be back." Then he got old...
Now he just says, "Ow! My back!"
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Age is not an excuse. I just caught an 80-year-old man doing exercise down a hill.
He was very acrobatic too, doing flips in his wheelchair.
#other
@Sickipedia
Arnold Schwarzenegger used to say "I'll be back." Then he got old...
Now he just says, "Ow! My back!"
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Age is not an excuse. I just caught an 80-year-old man doing exercise down a hill.
He was very acrobatic too, doing flips in his wheelchair.
#other
@Sickipedia
Arnold Schwarzenegger used to say "I'll be back." Then he got old...
Now he just says, "Ow! My back!"
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Two retirees, George and Sam, have been playing golf every Saturday for decades. Always the same time, same course. They leave their houses at 10 AM, get home at 3 PM.
One Saturday, Sam isn't home at 3 ... nor 4 ... 4:30. Finally at around five he staggers in, haggard, disheveled. In short, he looks like hell.
"Sam you look awful!" said his wife. "I was so worried about you! What happened?"
"It was terrible!" Sam replied. "Worst day of my life. George and I were halfway down the first fairway when he clutched his chest and fell over, stone dead. His heart must have given out!"
"Oh dear," says the wife. "He was your best friend in the whole world! What did you do?"
"What could I do?" says Sam. "For the rest of the round, it was hit the ball, drag George; hit the ball, drag George."
#other
@Sickipedia
Two economists are walking in a forest when they Come across a pile of shit.
Two economists are walking in a forest when they Come across a pile of shit.
The first economist says to the other "Ill pay you $100 to eat that pile of shit." The second economist takes the $100 and eats the pile of shit.
They continue walking until they come across a second pile of shit. The second economist turns to the first and says "l pay you $100 to eat that pile of shit." The first economist takes the $100 and eats a pile of shit.
Walking a little more, the first economist looks at the second and says, "You know, I gave you $100 to eat shit, then you gave me back the same $100 to eat shit. can't help but feel like we both just ate shit for nothing." "That's not true", responded the second economist. "We increased the GDP by $200!"
#other
@Sickipedia
I thought opening a door for a lady was good manners
but when I did it she just screamed and flew out of the plane
#other
@Sickipedia
An explorer was hacking a path deep into an almost impenetrable rainforest.
After a few weeks, he stumbled across a large clearing in the trees.
Right in the middle of the clearing was a huge bull elephant, laying down on its side, motionless. As the explorer cautiously approached the elephant, he could see that it wasn’t breathing.
On closer inspection, the explorer noticed a small trickle of blood running down the elephant’s neck. He eyed the trickle of blood back up to its source, where a tiny Pygmy tribesman sat, naked, with a wide grin on his face.
“Bloody hell”, said the explorer. “What happened here?”
“It’s dead”, replied the Pygmy, from on top of the giant elephant. “I killed it.”
The explorer was astounded. “But this elephant is huge… it must weigh at least four tons… and you’re 3ft tall. How on earth did you manage to kill it?”
“Easy”, said the Pygmy. “I did it with my club.”
“Your club?”, replied the explorer. “It must have been a pretty big club.”
“It is”, said the Pygmy.
“There’s 300 of us in it.”
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
An explorer was hacking a path deep into an almost impenetrable rainforest.
After a few weeks, he stumbled across a large clearing in the trees.
Right in the middle of the clearing was a huge bull elephant, laying down on its side, motionless. As the explorer cautiously approached the elephant, he could see that it wasn’t breathing.
On closer inspection, the explorer noticed a small trickle of blood running down the elephant’s neck. He eyed the trickle of blood back up to its source, where a tiny Pygmy tribesman sat, naked, with a wide grin on his face.
“Bloody hell”, said the explorer. “What happened here?”
“It’s dead”, replied the Pygmy, from on top of the giant elephant. “I killed it.”
The explorer was astounded. “But this elephant is huge… it must weigh at least four tons… and you’re 3ft tall. How on earth did you manage to kill it?”
“Easy”, said the Pygmy. “I did it with my club.”
“Your club?”, replied the explorer. “It must have been a pretty big club.”
“It is”, said the Pygmy.
“There’s 300 of us in it.”
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
I thought opening a door for a lady was good manners
but when I did it she just screamed and flew out of the plane
#other
@Sickipedia
An explorer was hacking a path deep into an almost impenetrable rainforest.
After a few weeks, he stumbled across a large clearing in the trees.
Right in the middle of the clearing was a huge bull elephant, laying down on its side, motionless. As the explorer cautiously approached the elephant, he could see that it wasn’t breathing.
On closer inspection, the explorer noticed a small trickle of blood running down the elephant’s neck. He eyed the trickle of blood back up to its source, where a tiny Pygmy tribesman sat, naked, with a wide grin on his face.
“Bloody hell”, said the explorer. “What happened here?”
“It’s dead”, replied the Pygmy, from on top of the giant elephant. “I killed it.”
The explorer was astounded. “But this elephant is huge… it must weigh at least four tons… and you’re 3ft tall. How on earth did you manage to kill it?”
“Easy”, said the Pygmy. “I did it with my club.”
“Your club?”, replied the explorer. “It must have been a pretty big club.”
“It is”, said the Pygmy.
“There’s 300 of us in it.”
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Age is not an excuse. I just caught an 80-year-old man doing exercise down a hill.
He was very acrobatic too, doing flips in his wheelchair.
#other
@Sickipedia
Arnold Schwarzenegger used to say "I'll be back." Then he got old...
Now he just says, "Ow! My back!"
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
An explorer was hacking a path deep into an almost impenetrable rainforest.
After a few weeks, he stumbled across a large clearing in the trees.
Right in the middle of the clearing was a huge bull elephant, laying down on its side, motionless. As the explorer cautiously approached the elephant, he could see that it wasn’t breathing.
On closer inspection, the explorer noticed a small trickle of blood running down the elephant’s neck. He eyed the trickle of blood back up to its source, where a tiny Pygmy tribesman sat, naked, with a wide grin on his face.
“Bloody hell”, said the explorer. “What happened here?”
“It’s dead”, replied the Pygmy, from on top of the giant elephant. “I killed it.”
The explorer was astounded. “But this elephant is huge… it must weigh at least four tons… and you’re 3ft tall. How on earth did you manage to kill it?”
“Easy”, said the Pygmy. “I did it with my club.”
“Your club?”, replied the explorer. “It must have been a pretty big club.”
“It is”, said the Pygmy.
“There’s 300 of us in it.”
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
I started my new job as a bingo caller last night and halfway through calling the numbers I farted loudly. My boss immediately came over and whispered in my ear, "Don't do that again."
"Sorry," I said, "It must be the nerves."
"Fair enough," he replied, "But there was no need to hold the microphone directly on your asshole."
#other
@Sickipedia
An explorer was hacking a path deep into an almost impenetrable rainforest.
After a few weeks, he stumbled across a large clearing in the trees.
Right in the middle of the clearing was a huge bull elephant, laying down on its side, motionless. As the explorer cautiously approached the elephant, he could see that it wasn’t breathing.
On closer inspection, the explorer noticed a small trickle of blood running down the elephant’s neck. He eyed the trickle of blood back up to its source, where a tiny Pygmy tribesman sat, naked, with a wide grin on his face.
“Bloody hell”, said the explorer. “What happened here?”
“It’s dead”, replied the Pygmy, from on top of the giant elephant. “I killed it.”
The explorer was astounded. “But this elephant is huge… it must weigh at least four tons… and you’re 3ft tall. How on earth did you manage to kill it?”
“Easy”, said the Pygmy. “I did it with my club.”
“Your club?”, replied the explorer. “It must have been a pretty big club.”
“It is”, said the Pygmy.
“There’s 300 of us in it.”
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
I started my new job as a bingo caller last night and halfway through calling the numbers I farted loudly. My boss immediately came over and whispered in my ear, "Don't do that again."
"Sorry," I said, "It must be the nerves."
"Fair enough," he replied, "But there was no need to hold the microphone directly on your asshole."
#other
@Sickipedia
An explorer was hacking a path deep into an almost impenetrable rainforest.
After a few weeks, he stumbled across a large clearing in the trees.
Right in the middle of the clearing was a huge bull elephant, laying down on its side, motionless. As the explorer cautiously approached the elephant, he could see that it wasn’t breathing.
On closer inspection, the explorer noticed a small trickle of blood running down the elephant’s neck. He eyed the trickle of blood back up to its source, where a tiny Pygmy tribesman sat, naked, with a wide grin on his face.
“Bloody hell”, said the explorer. “What happened here?”
“It’s dead”, replied the Pygmy, from on top of the giant elephant. “I killed it.”
The explorer was astounded. “But this elephant is huge… it must weigh at least four tons… and you’re 3ft tall. How on earth did you manage to kill it?”
“Easy”, said the Pygmy. “I did it with my club.”
“Your club?”, replied the explorer. “It must have been a pretty big club.”
“It is”, said the Pygmy.
“There’s 300 of us in it.”
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
I started my new job as a bingo caller last night and halfway through calling the numbers I farted loudly. My boss immediately came over and whispered in my ear, "Don't do that again."
"Sorry," I said, "It must be the nerves."
"Fair enough," he replied, "But there was no need to hold the microphone directly on your asshole."
#other
@Sickipedia
A man meets a beautiful, really sexy girl.
He really wants her. So he invites her to a movie, and she tells him:
- Listen, if it's sex you're after, then there is no need to get me dinners, movie evenings and all that. Just buy me a good Swiss Army knife.
The guy thinks. It's true, he's not interested in something long-term, so he buys her a good genuine Victorinox.
They come to her home, she opens a big chest standing in a closet, and puts his knife there. The guy sees that the chest is half-filled with such knives already. Then she takes him to her bedroom for a wonderful night together.
The next morning, they're sitting at her kitchen, drinking tea, and he asks her:
- Can I ask you a question? Why would you need so many knives for?
- You see, - she explains. - I'm young now. I'm beautiful. I have no trouble finding guys; in fact, they're the ones chasing me. But I know it doesn't last forever. One day, I'll be older, gray-haired, I'll be the one looking everywhere for a piece of love, and then... do you have any idea what a boy of eighteen would be willing to do for a good Swiss Army knife?
#other
@Sickipedia