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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
New year's resolution - give up smoking and wanking.
It'll be tough because since I was 14, I've been a 40-a-day guy. I smoke a fair bit too.
#other
Mummy, why did we do Christmas and presents in July this year?
Because it’s cheaper than chemotherapy.
#illness
"Allahu Akbar" means different things to different people.
To Muslims it means "God is great."
To Westerners it means "run like fuck."
#racism
My missus isn't speaking to me anymore, just because I didn't open the car door for the bitch.
Well, to be honest, I panicked and swam like fuck to the surface.
#other
Saw my Ex today. One thing led to another and we ended up having sex.
The Police were a bit pissed off though, I was only supposed to identify the body.
#sexandshit
I can beat anybody in a fight with only one hand.
It's the blokes with two hands who knock the shit out of me.
#other
When I was a kid, my dad sat me down and showed me pictures of why I should always wear a condom.
Funny thing is, they were all just pictures of me.
#sexandshit
I don't think I could ever fist someone.
I'm pretty sure my hand would instinctively grope around for a Pringle while it was in there.
#sexandshit
With great reflexes…
Comes great response ability.
#wordplay
What gets bigger the more you take from it?
The lower class...
#other
100 people died today after a bus caught fire in Mumbai, India.
A local police spokesman said, "Thank god it was only a 12-seater!"
#racism
I wish I could be ugly for one day.
Being ugly every day sucks...
#other
I opened my front door this morning to find my neighbour Abdul lying face down in the snow with a kitchen knife stuck in his back.
I ran back in the house and shouted to my wife "quick, come and see what's happened!"
"What is it?" She asked.
I replied "you'll not believe this, it's been fucking snowing!"
#racism
My brother took going to jail really badly
He refused to eat or drink, spat and swore at people and threw things at them.
So I guess we won't be playing Monopoly this Christmas.
#christmas
Before you make fun of kids for believing in Santa Claus, remember; There are still people who believe the troops fight for freedom.
#other
"I love you just the way you are", I soulfully sang to my wife.
Then I put the flowers on her grave.
#other
Scientists say that men ejeculate at 20 miles per hour, which means at that speed it’s safe to hit a child
#sexandshit
Facebook game requests are like the jehovah's witnesses of the internet
#internet
It's only my first day and as I'm in the shower, all the blacks and pakis keep whistling something to me about "Not dropping the soap !"
I'm seriously thinking about cancelling this gym membership.
#sexandshit
Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house
Not a creature was stirring
Except for a Scouse
He's in through your window
He's out with a sack
To take to his dealer
To swop for some crack
#christmas
I walked in on my grandma sucking my grandads cock. I knew we should have had it cremated with the rest of him.
#sexandshit
Before I die, I'm changing my name by deed poll to Santa Claus.
So I can spend eternity traumatising kids who visit the graveyard.
#other
If you feel the need to vomit, but can't, shove one finger down your throat and one up your arse. If this still doesn't work, swap fingers.
#disgusting
I'm divorcing my wife. First it was the pool boy, then the mail man, then the milkman, then a plumber, then her ex, and then, as if that weren't enough, finally my best friend!
I just really love it up the arse.
#sexandshit
Walking though a Graveyard this morning, I notice a young man kneeling down behind a gravestone.
"Morning", I said to him.
"No", he replied, "Just having a shit."
#disgusting
Why did the chicken commit suicide?
To get to the other side...
#wordplay
What's better then winning gold at the Special Olympics?
Not being retarded.
#insult
I took my lad to see Father Christmas yesterday and he fucking stank of booze and cigarettes.
Fuck knows what Father Christmas thought of him.
#christmas
I visited my mate's grave today.
He was right... I should have let him drive.
#other