13643
The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
I have just watched schindler's list for the first time. Let me say i went through a whole box of tissues watching that. I really will masturbate to anything
#sexandshit
My wife says it's disgusting to piss in the bath.
I suppose she has a point. I should have waited until she got out first.
#disgusting
After a mugging attempt a few years ago, I started carrying a knife.
My muggings are much more successful these days.
#other
A shock study by Sport England has found that 2.7/4.3 disabled people do not take part in regular sporting activities.
#other
One man's rubbish is another man's treasure, is an awesome phrase.
But it's a horrible way to tell your kid they're adopted.
#other
Rudolph Hess edited Mein Kampf for Adolf Hitler, making him the first grammar Nazi.
#other
Why do police dogs lick their balls?
To get the taste of niggers out their mouths.
#sexandshit
I have a polish friend who is a sound technician. Oh, and a Czech one too. Czech one too. Czech one too
#wordplay
Discover what it was like to live in medieval Britain by simply moving to Glasgow
#other
Don’t get a woman, get a dog… They are loyal
and they die sooner
#other
What’s the hardest part about a Muslim killing his own daughter?
Suppressing the erection.
#sexandshit
It's times like these when I'm sat in bed with my computer on my knee when I really wish I'd bought a laptop.
#other
I'm going through a long and messy divorce and have decided the only way to go is suicide.
Now all I have to do is talk the bitch into it.
#other
A recent study showed the average American is nearly 4kg heavier than the average Brit.
Turns out an oversized ego doesn't weigh as much as teeth.
#insult
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
#other
I got into an argument with a grammar Nazi on Facebook.
"To be fully appreciated, your last statement requires a coma," I commented.
"Ha, ha!" he said. "You mean comma!"
"I know what I mean."
#other
My mates reckon I'm a legend after I told them I'd kicked the crap out of 2 Green Berets down the docks on the weekend.
Although I think most people prefer to call them Boy Scouts.
#other
What's the difference between someone who smokes weed and a woman who wears very little clothing?
A lot, although in opposite ends of the world they're both considered stoned.
#wordplay
Every day is an adventure when you're incompetent.
#other
My wife & I like to do it missionary style.
We brainwash indigenous natives & rape children.
#sexandshit
I like wanking whilst looking in the mirror...
my driving instructor doesn't.
#sexandshit
As the sperm dripped down my wife's chin, I looked in her eyes and asked "Do you like that? "
"No", she relied. " What the fuck is in this sandwich? "
#sexandshit
When my teenage daughter told me she was pregnant, I shouted, "Your mum's going to kill you!"
I'm not sure if the little cunt inside her heard me or not.
#sexandshit
If you lose your tree, try stapling a picture of it to a cat.
#other
Whenever I phone my wife on her mobile, I speak as quietly as I can.
The closer she holds it, the greater the chance of a tumour
#other
Does anyone else find it odd that there's only one Monopolies Commission?
#other
You know you're getting older when you walk by a couple of priests and they don't even look your way
#sexandshit
It's winter again. That time of year when the poor are making tough choices between food, heating or getting that massive new tattoo.
#other
My Wife just came out of the bedroom wearing a Nurses outfit.
I thought, Fucking Awesome!
She's going to work.
#other