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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
A Somali arrives in England as a new immigrant.
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr Englishman for letting me in this country!" But the passer-by says, "You are mistaken, I am a Pakistani".
The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in England!". The person says, "I no English, I flom Hong Kong".
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful England!" That person says "I am from Iran, I am not English".
He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you a English citizen?". She says, "No, I am from Romania!" So he is puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the English?" The Romanian lady looks at her watch, shrugs and says, "Probably at work".
#racism
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
#sexism
I never forget my sons first words...
"Where the fuck have you been for 16 years?"
#other
I went to a Halloween party dressed as a chicken. Met a girl dressed as an egg. A question as old as time was answered.
The chicken.
#sexandshit
Ever since I became a cop I have to deal with rape victims on a daily basis.
Apparently women trust you much more when you wear a police uniform.
#crime
I got into an embarrassing situation at a swingers' party last night. I snuck up behind an older lady, started fucking her from behind then looked up and suddenly realised that the guy at the other end of the spitroast, getting a blowjob, was my dad.
I said, "After 30 years of marriage I can't believe you're being unfaithful to mum."
He said, "I'm not."
#sexandshit
There's no "I" in "team" but there are 5 in "individual brilliance".
#other
Why are students allowed to have a bible during testing?
It doesn't have any answers.
#religion
A psychiatrist finds a man lying by the road who has been robbed and beaten senseless.
The psychiatrist says, "My god, whoever did this needs help!"
#illness
My neighbor Mohammed had the cops called to his home after beating his wife.
The court can't decide if it's domestic violence or child abuse.
#racism
I was lying in bed this morning.
Told the wife I still love her.
#sexandshit
Linkin Park t-shirt for sale $10.
Bit tight around the neck but hangs well.
#news
My girlfriend always takes long baths after we finish watching a Ryan Gosling movie.
I don't know what she's doing in there, but it gives me lots of time to jerk off to Ryan Gosling.
#celebrities
So the new Doctor Who is a woman.
Bet she'll keep bringing up the past.
#sexism
I phoned the Child Abuse Hotline.
A kid answered, called me a cunt and told me to fuck off.
#other
The bright young Jewish boy in my class handed in an absolutely fantastic essay about the Holocaust.
It was so good that I gave him a gold star.
#racism
My new girlfriend asked me how many girls I’ve slept with.
"Eleven," I replied.
"Wow! You must be a player," she laughed.
"No," I said, "I’m their coach."
#sexandshit
A little boy was looking through the keyhole of his sister's room.
Mom says with a smile, "why are you concerned with what your sister is doing in there?"
Boy replies, "I am not concerned with her, I am wondering what dad is doing."
#sexandshit
What's it called when a woman is paralysed from the waist down?
Marriage.
#sexandshit
Teacher: "What do you do after school?"
1st Student: "I go and buy weed from Yakobo."
2nd Student: "I always go and buy cigarettes from Yakobo."
3rd Student: "I go and buy cocaine from Yakobo."
4th Student: "I always stay at home and do my homework."
Teacher: "You are a great student, I hereby appoint you as the class monitor. You are a good example to other students. What's your name?"
4th Student: "Yakobo."
#crime
Using just one hand I can count 11 reasons incest is bad.
#sexandshit
A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says: "Make me one with everything"...
After a brief chuckle at the monks joke the vendor hands him his hot dog with everything and says, "That'll be $4 please."
The monk hands over a $10 bill and waits whilst the vendor just stares back at him... Awkwardly the monk ask's, "What about my change?"
"Ah," replies the hot dog vendor, "Change must come from within."
#other
Due to the recession and to save on energy costs, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off.
#other
"Fucking kids are expensive," I said.
"Is," replied my lawyer.
#crime
A Georgian boy is getting married to a Russian girl and his dad teaches him how to behave on their first night: "First, throw her on the bed to know that Georgia is power". "Then take off your clothes for her to know that Georgia is beautiful". And then grandpa adds: "Then sit down and masturbate, for her to know that Georgia is independent".
#politics
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like a woman?
That's your common sense leaving your body.
#sexandshit
He tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
He committed suicide and now he's dead.
#news
I love fucking German girls...
But it's such a boner-killer when they keep shouting their age during sex.
#sexandshit
Why did god create man before he created woman?
Because he didn't want any advice on how to do it.
#sexism