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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
When I go to someone's house and they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don't like visitors.
#other
If you watch Rambo backwards its about a soldier who brings people back to life with his magical vacuum gun
#other
Scientists have discovered that at least 50 percent of fat people's BMI is made up of excuses
#other
They say the pain during child birth is so great,
A woman can almost imagine what a man with a cold feels like.
#other
The gender neutral name for a sugar daddy is glucose guardian.
#other
My brother and I laugh about how competitive we were as kids...
But I laugh more.
#other
Sat on the train and I'm in desperate need of a shit but the toilet is out of order.
Been sat here holding it for about 20 minutes now.
My hands fucking stink and some of the passengers have been sick.
#disgusting
I always said if I ever saw the bully from my schooldays again, that I wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire.
I've changed my mind about that now.
It was immensely satisfying.
#violence
Phones are so expensive nowadays when you fall and hear a crack you hope it’s just your leg.
#other
I told my girlfriend I'll stay by her side while she goes through the abortion procedure tomorrow.
I can't wait to hear the splatter of tiny feet.
#other
Today I'm as disapointed as a dyslexic watching a bear grylls documentary and finding out there's not a single naked lady on it.
#other
I've written a sit-com, set in an abortion clinic. It's called "Some mothers don't have 'em".
#other
Don't leave Christmas preparations until the last moment.
Start getting depressed now.
#christmas
My granny was beaten to death by my granddad.
Not as in, "with a stick" – he just died first.
#death
Genders are like the Twin Towers. There used to be two of them and now it’s a really sensitive subject.
#other
I showed my class of children at my school in Norwich a Dynamo DVD and they were amazed at the magical powers on display.
But then I explained how televisions work and they relaxed.
#technology
Donald Trump: a man so obnoxious that karma may see him reincarnated as himself
#celebrities
I'm currently taking a course in Italian martial arts.
It's a lot like karate, lots of kicks and face stomping, except there are two guys holding your opponent down.
#racism
I ask for anal and she says "Are you gay or something?"
I ask for a blow job and she says "Ewww! Icky"
I ask for a hand job and she says "Do it yourself"
It's straight sex or nothing.
But she's my mum and I love her very much.
#sexandshit
The wife said, "You haven't listened to a fucking word I've said, have you?"
What a strange way to start a conversation
#other
So I told this joke about dead babies in work the other day and it offended a female colleague who had an abortion a couple of months ago. She yelled at me and filed a complaint. So from this experience between me and her, I realised two things;
Making jokes about dead babies = harsh and offensive
Actually making dead babies = Okay.
#other
What's black and screams?
Stevie Wonder answering the iron.
#celebrities
You know what I hate? People who answer their own questions
#other
What word begins with M and ends with arriage and is a man's favourite thing?
Miscarriage.
#other
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It's amazing how fast the super powers kick in
#other
I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old.
It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two, then before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed, then for a stronger buzz, I moved onto ecstasy.
It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin. I was a complete mess. I was skint and my body was ruined.
But fuck me, what a night.
#drugs
What does a rapist, a thief and a murder have in common?
His skin colour.
#racism
What would it take to re-unite the Beatles?
2 bullets.
#celebrities
How do you make a cat go 'Woof'?
Soak it in petrol and throw it on the bonfire.
#animals