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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
When I was a teenager, I used to pray every night that the girl next door would fancy me so that I could make love to her.
When I grew up, I realised that God didn't work like that, so I raped her and prayed for forgiveness.
#crime
Conspiracy theories are like moon landings.
They're all fake.
#other
Kayne West is said to be recovering well in hospital after a nine hour operation to remove his head from his arsehole.
#news
An old woman stopped me in the street and asked me to show her how to get to the hospital.
So I pushed her under a bus.
#crime
What do you do if you see a PlayStation 4 floating down the street?
Shout, "drop it nigger".
#racism
What is 1 + 1 equal to?
The amount of genders that exist.
#sexandshit
The people of Pompeii...
Mannequin challenge champions since 79AD.
#other
Donald Trump did make history.
He won an argument against a woman.
#sexism
How do you call a bitch with a hairy ass, a pussy and a cock?
Bremen town musicians.
#other
If you burn a Koran, a Muslim may burn your house down.
The joke is on him though. My house is full of Korans.
#racism
What's the difference between American girls and Iranian girls?
American girls get stoned BEFORE sex.
#racism
A Mosquito landed on my wife's face...
Easiest decision of my life.
#other
Roses Are Red,
Violets are Blue,
If I were bored,
I'd be reading this too.
#other
"Sorry" seems to be the hardest word to say...
Unless you're Chinese, then it's "squirrel".
#racism
My wife and her friend were having a conversation about how useless men are when my wife said, "They can't do two things at once."
At this, I interrupted and said, "Actually I can!"
"Give me an example," she replied.
"Well, while I was fucking you last night, I was thinking about your friend."
#sexandshit
Whats the difference between a rocker and a jazzman?
A rocker plays 4 chords in front of 4000 people and a jazzman plays 4000 chords in front of 4 people.
#other
Morpheus and Neo are plugged in to the Matrix and having a chat.
Morpheus turns to Neo, "In this world you can be anything you want."
There is a short silence.
Neo: "Then why are you a nigger?"
#racism
It's funny how axe handles are made of wood.
It's like the ultimate 'Fuck you' to trees.
#other
As I walked into work this morning my colleague said, "Dave, you look like shit."
"Last night was crazy." I replied.
"What happened?" he asked.
"Me, my mate Steve and my mate Trevor all got very drunk," I replied. "And we ended up going back to Trevor's girlfriend's flat and having a threesome."
"Don't you mean a foursome?" he asked.
"No, she was out."
#sexandshit
I hate being a depressed atheist.
Nothing to live for.
Nothing to die for.
#other
"Sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound.
At least, I'm pretty sure...
#other
Here I am with my bottle of Tequila, waiting for life to hand me a lemon.
#other
I like Peter Pan jokes because they never get old.
Just like those kids in my basement.
#mortality
Why would the holocaust have failed if the victims were Islamic?
Because it would have been impossible to get a Muslim to take a shower.
#racism
I don't know what she's talking about most of the time
I woke up this morning and saw my wife sitting on the edge of the bed with two black eyes.
"What the fuck happened to you?" I asked.
"This is what happens when you drink 9 pints of lager," she replied.
"That's bullshit," I said, looking in the mirror, "I drank 9 pints of lager last night and my face is fine."
#other
"Fucking kids are expensive," I said.
"Is," replied my lawyer.
#crime
Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.
#other
A man goes to a library and asks for a book on suicide...
Librarian stares at him for a while, then asks: Who's gonna bring it back?
#mortality
Little Sally was digging a hole in her backyard when her neighbor asked what she was doing.
"I'm burying my pet bird", Sally said.
Her neighbor asked: "Isn't that an awfully big hole, for such a little bird?"
Sally replied: "Yeah, except he's inside your fucking cat."
#mortality
My dad used to beat me while playing chess...
Because I'd always win.
#other