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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
Never let anyone tell you what you can and can't do.
Take Beethoven for example, they told him he could not be a musician because he was deaf... but he didn't listen.
#celebrities
When you first meet her, she says she's "bi", then later you realise she meant "...polar"
#illness
A woman's asshole is like a 9-volt battery.
You know you shouldn't, but sooner or later you're going to put your tongue on it.
#sexandshit
My colleague said to me, "I bet you can't see your dick when you look down in the shower."
"No, just your daughter's head," I replied.
#sexandshit
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don't.
Well, that's what I like to tell myself anyway.
#other
What's the hardest part of making a vegan pizza?
Skinning the vegan.
#mortality
My wife hasn't said a word to me in 6 days.
What's even better is, she thinks it's punishment.
#other
1984 is a great work of literature.
I think all kids should be forced to read it.
#other
Apparently, if a bear attacks you, you should play dead.
Sounds suspiciously like something a bear would say...
#mortality
A recent survey indicates that the Smartphone is now the number one hand held device.
The penis has slipped to second spot.
#other
A man applies for a job with the local police.
The officer says, "This is the best résumé I've ever seen! There's just one more test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot eight black guys and a cat."
Guy replies "Why the cat?"
Officer says "Great attitude, you're hired!"
#racism
Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritic pain.
In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support.
#other
The average person has sex 127 times a year.
My december is going to be fucking awesome.
#sexandshit
A beggar walked up to me and said, "I haven't eaten anything for days."
I just looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower".
#other
I was in bed with a woman and she said, "I want tonight to be magical".
And it was. After we had sex, I disappeared.
#sexandshit
I am truly perplexed that so many people are against mosques being built. I think it should be the goal of every Western Society to be tolerant regardless of their religious beliefs. Thus mosques should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.
That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy ", and the other a topless bar called "You Mecca Me Hot."
Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant, called "Iraq o' Ribs."
Across the street there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret ", with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods.
Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex toy shop, "Koranal Knowledge ", its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side an off-licence called "Morehammered."
All of this would encourage Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us, so their mosque issue would not be a problem for others.
#religion
If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?
#sexism
So I just turned 21 and there is still no change in my eyesight...
When do I get my adult supervision?
#other
My epileptic son loves our new Christmas tree.
You should see how excited he gets when we turn on the lights.
#illness
I was watching a film with my little boy earlier. He said, "Dad I’m scared, is that woman going to die?". I said, "Judging on the size of that horse's cock, yes".
#sexandshit
What does a guy with a big penis have for breakfast?
Well, I had eggs for breakfast.
#sexandshit
My doctor told me that I'm a paranoid racist.
Well, he didn't exactly say that, but I know what the black cunt was thinking...
#racism
I asked my priest if it might be a good idea to stop masturbating
But he didn't take the hint.
#sexandshit
Black people use hot sauce on everything because they have developed a taste for pepper spray.
#racism
A piece of toast and a hard boiled egg walked into a bar...
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here."
#other
Sometimes when I turn off the lights and masturbate, it feels like Jesus is watching me.
Mexican prison is shit.
#sexandshit
Fidel Castro was a cigar-smoking, repressive leader who hated free speech and a free press.
Donald Trump, in comparison, doesn't smoke.
#politics
A family walks into a hotel and the father goes to the front desk and he says, "I hope the porn is disabled."
The guy at the desk replies, "It's just regular porn you sick fuck."
#sexandshit
My wife was struggling to open the freezer.
In the end she gave up, and froze to death.
#mortality
My mum walked in on me and my sister having sex.
"You two sicken me, what you're doing is totally disgusting!" She screamed.
"I totally agree" came my dads voice from the wardrobe.
#sexandshit