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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
How do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter, it's not going to come.
#illness
I just murdered a tree and put its decorated corpse on display in my living room.
For Jesus.
#events
Some religious people believe that serious illnesses such as cancer do not require medical treatment, and can be cured by the power of prayer alone.
Sceptics may chuckle, but there is a scientific basis for this kind of thinking.
It's called natural selection.
#religion
My girlfriend and I have decided that we want to have an abortion.
Now I've just got to get her pregnant.
#sexandshit
I've only been in jail for 5 minutes and I've already been raped twice.
My uncle doesn't fuck around when playing Monopoly.
#sexandshit
3 kids in school one day.
The teacher asks them, "What do cows say?"
Amy replies, "moo!"
Teacher then asks, "What do sheep say?"
Jack replies, "baa!"
Teacher then asks, "What do pigs say?"
Leroy says, "Freeze motherfuckin' nigger, what's in the fuckin' bag?"
#racism
At a wedding reception, the best man said, "would all the married men please stand next to the person that made their lives worth living."
The poor bartender was crushed to death.
#sexandshit
What's the difference between a Christian and a Muslim?
Christian's build bigger bombs.
#religion
Genie: Whats your first wish?
Dave: I wish I was rich.
Genie: Granted, what's your second wish?
Rich: I want lots of money.
#other
*knock*
Who’s...
*knock*
Who’s...
*knock* *knock*
Who’s there?
*knock* *knock* *knock*
Who...
*knock* *knock* *knock* *knock* *knock*
Piss off, Fibonacci!
#other
An insect falls into a mug of beer.
Englishman: Throws his mug away and walks out.
American: Takes the insect out and drinks the beer.
Chinese: Eats the insect and throws the beer away.
Indian: Sells the beer to the American, the insect to the Chinese and gets a fresh beer for himself.
Pakistani: Accuses the Indian of putting the insect in his beer, relates the issue to Kashmir, asks the Chinese for military aid and gets a loan from the American to buy another beer. The Paki then moves to England and claims benefits.
#racism
What's the worst thing about being bitten by a rattlesnake?
You're probably an American.
#racism
How many vegans does it take to eat a cheeseburger?
One if nobody's looking.
#other
Fat chicks shouldn't brag about big tits.
Having big tits because you're fat is like having a car that's fast because it's falling off a cliff.
#sexandshit
I always tell my kids to stay in school...
but they keep fucking coming back.
#other
I'm really worried about my parrot.
He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life".
My room-mate's too selfish to notice. He's always crying.
#other
93% of dog owners say their dog has made them a better person in at least one way, a study found.
This same study found that 99% of cat owners say they feel their cat has told them to fuck off, at least once, this week.
#other
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip.
After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars. What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.
"It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."
#other
I met a fairy today who granted me one wish.
"I want to live forever," I said.
"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."
"Fine," I said, "I want to die when Liverpool win the premier league."
"You crafty cunt," said the fairy.
#sport
Wife calls her scientist husband...
"Honey.. Its Saturday.. you're late..."
"I'm busy with my team in an experiment"
"Whats that?"
"We've just added a derivative of C2H5OH with ambiant temperature H2O and aqueous CO2. To cool this mixture added some super low temperature, solidified H2O, now while waiting for some protein, we are fumigating the lab with vapours of nicotine... It's 4 or 5 round experiment.. So I will be late."
"Oh dear.. I won't disturb you. Take your time.."
#other
My girlfriend told me the key to a great joke is to have an unexpected punchline.
So I raped her.
#sexandshit
Sex is like Kebab. When it's good, it's really good...
...and when I'm drunk I'm willing to pay for it in a roadside turkish buffet.
#sexandshit
Think of religion like a movie.
The Torah is the first one, and the New Testament is the sequel. Then the Qu'ran comes out and it retcons like the last one never happened. There's still Jesus, but he's not the main character anymore, and the Messiah hasn't shown up yet.
Jews like the first movie, but ignore the sequels, Christians think you need to watch the first two, but the third movie doesn't count, Muslims think the third one was the best, and Mormons liked the second one so much that they started writing fan fiction that doesn't fit in with ANY of the series canon.
#religion
My wife asked me where I'd like to be buried...
Apparently "Balls deep in your sister" was not the answer she was expecting.
#sexandshit
Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours.
Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
#mortality
My ex is like the Mona Lisa
It's not that she is pretty or anything, but I would be ecstatic if I came home to find her hanging in the living room.
#mortality
The only "b" word a girl should be called is beautiful.
Bitches love being called beautiful.
#sexism
Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog.
You understand it better, but it dies in the process.
See what I did there was use the frog as an analogy to show that exposing the inner workings of a joke would essentially deprive it of its life in that it's not funny anymore. I'm drawing a parallel (and so is E. B. White) to how you basically kill a frog when dissecting it to better understand the functioning of its inner body parts, since there is now little left in the joke to laugh at.
#other