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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
#other
My parents tried to surprise me with a car this Christmas...
Fortunately they missed.
#events
"Did you know that making a girl laugh is the second best way to get a girl into bed?" I asked my date.
"Really?" she asked. "What's the first?"
"A big fuck off knife!" I replied.
"Ha-ha, you're funny," she said.
"Well done, you've made a sensible choice."
#sexandshit
What was George Michael's last hit?
Probably the floor.
#mortality
There was a cruise ship that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island.
There where only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl. They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women.
After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself.
It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it and after a while nature once more took it's inevitable course.
Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing. So...
They buried her.
#sexandshit
It's better to give than receive on Christmas Day.
Especially, if you're in prison.
#sexandshit
Steven Hawking walks into a bar...
Just kidding.
#illness
ISIS Awards Night:
The 2016 best suicide bomber award goes to Mohammed. Unfortunately, Mohammed can't be with us tonight.
#crime
The moon landing was staged and it was shot by Stanley Kubrick, the reason it looks so real is because of Kubrick's obsession with filming on location.
#tv
I'm not passive aggressive.
Unlike some people.
#other
Therapist: "I think you have a phobia of marriage. Do you know what the symptoms are?"
Me: "Can't say I do."
Therapist: "That's one of them."
#sexandshit
My friend was the best at Russian Roulette.
He only lost once.
#mortality
Today, I played God.
I saw a bug, suffering. I watched it for a couple of minutes. Then I kept watching, and watching, and watching...
#religion
In a recent survey when asked if immigration was a problem 28% of people said yes, the other 72% said ديموقراطية.
#racism
George Michael: I'm gonna end 2016 with something big
Carrie Fisher: hold my drink
#mortality
I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas.
Now I'm fucking stuck taking care of a puppy.
#mortality
Don't be ashamed of who you are.
That's your parents' job.
#other
This will be the last Christmas George Michael ever gives his heart.
#news
Last night I went to a comedy and philosophy convention.
Laughed more than I thought.
#other
c, e-flat, and g walk into a bar...
The bartender shows them the door and says, “Sorry, we don’t serve minors.”
#other
Punctuation can really change a sentence.
For example, "Let's eat kids" becomes "Let's eat punctuation".
#other
Wife asked me to get "bath stuff" for xmas.
Hope she likes her toaster.
#mortality
Have you ever noticed that it's only 'perfect' people who are murdered or killed in horrific accidents?
"He was the perfect son" or "She was the perfect daughter."
"Such a tragic accident they were the perfect family."
"They died together, the perfect couple till the end."
Makes me glad I abuse my kids and beat up my wife.
Kind of makes me immortal.
#mortality
I was at a restaurant when I noticed my waitress had a black eye...
So I ordered really slowly, because she obviously doesn't listen well.
#sexism
In previous years seeing the Coca Cola lorry would make you feel the Christmas spirit...
This year it would make you shit your pants.
#news
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day
Give a woman a fish and you're "that weird fish guy."
#other
A mathematician is afraid of flying due to the small risk of a terrorist attack. So, on every flight he takes a bomb with his hand luggage. "The probability of having a bomb on a plane is very low", he reason, "and the probability of having two bombs on the same plane is virtually zero."
#crime
The average age of a paedophile's victim is said to be eleven years old. The average age of a paedophile is said to be thirty six years old.
Which co-incidently are the average ages of a newly wed Muslim couple.
#racism
Let me tell you about poor little Ukurugenzi.
Ukurugenzi is an 8-year old Kenyan orphan who walks 11 miles to his mud-hut school every day. With your donation of just 25 cents a day, we can buy a whip and make that lazy bastard run.
Ukurugenzi has a friend who goes to the same school, but the friend lost one arm and one leg in a bombing. He manages to ride his bike 6 miles to school every day. For just $0.50, we'll send you a video, it's fucking hilarious.
#illness