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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
What do we want?
A cure for Tourette's!
When do we want it?
Cunts!
#illness
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a liberal arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
#other
What do you call a Paki that owns a sheep and a goat?
Bi- sexual
#racism
George Clooney, Leonardo Dicaprio and Matthew Mcconaughey got together to make a movie...
George Clooney said, "I'll direct."
Dicaprio said, "I'll produce."
And Matthew McConaughey said, "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."
#celebrities
I got in touch with my inner self today.
That's the last time I buy cheap toilet paper.
#sexandshit
I just finished reading a book called "How To Give Constructive Criticism".
It was fucking shit.
#other
Anyone who says marriage is an equal partnership is talking utter bollocks.
I gave up my mates, my motorbike, drinking, drugs, gambling...
All she gave up was fucking sex.
#sexandshit
I have CDO...
It's like OCD but all the letters are in alphabetical order... as they should be.
#illness
I am trying to get some sleep. It's 2am and the woman next door is making a terrible racket.
If she won't shut up I might even take her advice and call the police.
#crime
2 reasons why I don't give money to homeless people:
1. They need money for drugs.
2. I need money for drugs.
#other
I called the Suicide Hotline in Iraq...
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
#news
If I had a penny for every time someone called me sexist...
I'd probably be earning more than the average woman.
#sexism
I said to my dad, "I'm thinking of inviting someone special in my life over for dinner tomorrow."
"That's fine, as long as she isn't black!" he chuckled.
"Don't worry," I replied, "He isn't."
#sexandshit
I've just seen my son carrying the toaster up to the bathroom.
"Fat bastard", I yelled at him.
#mortlality
A man sees a lady with big breasts.
He asks, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes. Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?"
He replies, "No, it's too expensive."
#sexandshit
My doctor told me to take up an activity that gets me out of the pub.
So I've started smoking.
#other
I've just had terrible news from America that my brother has died of natural causes.
He was shot.
#crime
How do you pick up a Paki girl?
By her mustache
#racism
I once won a 5 on 1 street fight.
We kicked that guy's ass!
#crime
For Halloween I'm going to wear a pacman suit and chase Muslim women in burkas around the town centre.
#events
My wife stepped out of the shower and said "I shaved down there, you know what that means don't you?"
I said, "Yeah the damned drain is clogged again."
#sexandshit
"There's two things you need to know about anal sex," I told my girlfriend.
"Firstly, it hurts.
Secondly, I don't care."
#sexandshit
I've created a shoe made out of Lego, so when you step on Lego it doesn't hurt.
You just get taller.
#other
What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students?
A PDF File
#sexandshit
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common:
They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
#politics
What do you call a homosexual Russian knight?
Sergei.
#sexandshit
Why did Michael Jackson invent the Moonwalk?
It was a great way to get out of kids' bedrooms unheard.
#celebrities
I can't see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges it will be cheaper buying an AK-47.
#crime
Snow is like black people.
As long as it stays off my driveway and away from my car, it's cool.
#racism
I hear Kim Jung-Un has read every book ever written...
That's why they call him the Supreme Reader.
#racism