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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
A Paki bloke was showing me his tattoo.
"Isn't that one of those that just washes off," I asked.
"I don't know," he replied.
#racism
No wonder the Williams sisters always win at tennis.
Black people have centuries of experience serving.
And appearing at the courts, for that matter.
#racism
The son went to his dad and asked him, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?"
So the dad replied, "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."
The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two."
#illness
What would you call Christopher Walken in a wheelchair?
Christopher.
#celebrities
I'm not saying I drive a small car...
But whenever I get home, my garage asks if it's in yet.
#sexandshit
Who needs a wife anyway?
How difficult can it be to boil a toast?
#other
My wife asked me for help when she was doing a crossword.
"Office profession, 9 letters beginning with 'S'" she said.
"Male or female?" I replied.
"What bloody difference does that make?" she shrieked.
"Solicitor if it's male", I replied, "secretary if it's female".
#sexism
The girl I took home last night said she wanted me to wear a condom as she wasn’t on the pill.
I told her it was no problem, as the chlamydia had left me infertile.
#sexandshit
The best thing about Japanese porn is they censor it, so I can watch it with my family.
#sexandshit
A man's life is like a lush, green meadow.
It's a beautiful thing until some cow comes along and shits all over it.
#sexandshit
How is a punchline like a starving African child?
If you spend too much time explaining why it's funny, it dies.
#mortality
What's the difference between St. Patrick's day, and Martin Luther King day?
On St. Patrick's day everybody wants to be Irish.
#racism
I threw a dart at a map of the world on my bedroom wall the other day, and went to where it landed.
I had a fantastic 3 days sat next to my wall.
#other
I've decided to stop posting sexist jokes because women find them too complicated.
#sexism
You know you're a Taliban if...
You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
You own a 3000 quid machine gun and 5000 quid rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
You have more wives than teeth.
You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.'
You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
You've often uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'
You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.
You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.
You've ever had a crush on your neighbour's goat.
#religion
A crazy girl just called me a stalker and then blocked me.
I dont know what her deal is, but I'm about to ring her doorbell and find out.
#crime
"How big would you say your penis was when you were 12?"
"Eight inches."
"You had an eight inch penis when you were 12?"
"No, that's how big I would say it was."
#sexandshit
They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles.
Who the hell runs 8 miles in 45 seconds?
#sexandshit
"I'm going to fuck you over!' means two completely different things, depending on whether you're talking face to face...or on a walkie-talkie..
#sexandshit
My next door neighbour was showing me her rape kit: pepper spray, a whistle, a torch, a disposable camera, pens, paper, her phone tracking device, and a billiard ball in a sock.
Fuck me, mine's only a balaclava and a knife.
#sexandshit
I went to a group therapy session today.
The woman who was running the group said,
"On the count of three, everyone share a secret about themselves."
"One...."
"I can't count," I shouted.
#other
If you rape someone properly, you don't have to kill them afterwards.
They do it themselves.
#crime
My parrot died today...
It's last words were: “Fuck I think my parrot is about to die.”
#mortality
To avoid risk of suffocation, keep plastic bags away from children.
...the little shits will murder you in your sleep given half a chance.
#mortality
Is my wife ashamed of my body?
A tiny part of me says yes.
#sexandshit
I went to volunteer at the Tourette's Society but they told me to fuck off.
#illness
My wife and I had been debating whether it was time to start a family when we saw a couple of cute kids, splashing and giggling in a paddling pool.
I looked at her and said, "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
She smiled and said, "Yes, Gary..."
"That settles it, then," I replied. "We can't raise children if we're both paedos."
#sexandshit
Cop: Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?
Miner: Mine
#other
A Fascist, Capitalist and Communist walks into a bar...
They all started shouting at each other.
The Communist says, "Death to the rich!"
The Capitalist says, "Death to the power-hungry government!"
The Fascist says, "Death to the Jews!"
The bartender interjects and says, "Wow! I never knew you guys have the same view point!"
#politics
A man walked into a pub, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be ten pence."
"Ten pence?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A pound," the barman replied.
"A pound?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
#sexandshit