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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
Someone knocked at my door this afternoon.
When I opened it, I saw a guy from Dominos holding a cheese tomato pizza.
"I haven't ordered any pizza," I said, "This must be a mistake."
"I know," he replied, "Your neighbour forgot his Facebook password and wanted to show you what he was eating for lunch."
#other
I donated my sperm to a lesbian couple.
They said that it was delicious.
#sexandshit
Scientists have just announced today that Dolphins are second to man in intelligence levels.
So that pushes women down to third place.
#sexandshit
A crazy girl just called me a stalker and then blocked me.
I dont know what her deal is, but I'm about to ring her doorbell and find out.
#crime
"How big would you say your penis was when you were 12?"
"Eight inches."
"You had an eight inch penis when you were 12?"
"No, that's how big I would say it was."
#sexandshit
They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles.
Who the hell runs 8 miles in 45 seconds?
#sexandshit
"I'm going to fuck you over!' means two completely different things, depending on whether you're talking face to face...or on a walkie-talkie..
#sexandshit
My next door neighbour was showing me her rape kit: pepper spray, a whistle, a torch, a disposable camera, pens, paper, her phone tracking device, and a billiard ball in a sock.
Fuck me, mine's only a balaclava and a knife.
#sexandshit
I went to a group therapy session today.
The woman who was running the group said,
"On the count of three, everyone share a secret about themselves."
"One...."
"I can't count," I shouted.
#other
If you rape someone properly, you don't have to kill them afterwards.
They do it themselves.
#crime
My parrot died today...
It's last words were: “Fuck I think my parrot is about to die.”
#mortality
To avoid risk of suffocation, keep plastic bags away from children.
...the little shits will murder you in your sleep given half a chance.
#mortality
Is my wife ashamed of my body?
A tiny part of me says yes.
#sexandshit
I went to volunteer at the Tourette's Society but they told me to fuck off.
#illness
My wife and I had been debating whether it was time to start a family when we saw a couple of cute kids, splashing and giggling in a paddling pool.
I looked at her and said, "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
She smiled and said, "Yes, Gary..."
"That settles it, then," I replied. "We can't raise children if we're both paedos."
#sexandshit
I met two guys wearing matching clothing. So I asked them if they were gay.
They promptly arrested me.
#sexandshit
My dad always used to say "The first rule of theatre is to always leave them wanting more".
Good man, terrible anaesthetist.
#other
A Paki bloke was showing me his tattoo.
"Isn't that one of those that just washes off," I asked.
"I don't know," he replied.
#racism
No wonder the Williams sisters always win at tennis.
Black people have centuries of experience serving.
And appearing at the courts, for that matter.
#racism
The son went to his dad and asked him, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?"
So the dad replied, "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."
The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two."
#illness
What would you call Christopher Walken in a wheelchair?
Christopher.
#celebrities
I'm not saying I drive a small car...
But whenever I get home, my garage asks if it's in yet.
#sexandshit
Who needs a wife anyway?
How difficult can it be to boil a toast?
#other
My wife asked me for help when she was doing a crossword.
"Office profession, 9 letters beginning with 'S'" she said.
"Male or female?" I replied.
"What bloody difference does that make?" she shrieked.
"Solicitor if it's male", I replied, "secretary if it's female".
#sexism
The girl I took home last night said she wanted me to wear a condom as she wasn’t on the pill.
I told her it was no problem, as the chlamydia had left me infertile.
#sexandshit
The best thing about Japanese porn is they censor it, so I can watch it with my family.
#sexandshit
A man's life is like a lush, green meadow.
It's a beautiful thing until some cow comes along and shits all over it.
#sexandshit
How is a punchline like a starving African child?
If you spend too much time explaining why it's funny, it dies.
#mortality
What's the difference between St. Patrick's day, and Martin Luther King day?
On St. Patrick's day everybody wants to be Irish.
#racism
I threw a dart at a map of the world on my bedroom wall the other day, and went to where it landed.
I had a fantastic 3 days sat next to my wall.
#other