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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
Shakespeare's Sonnet #4
Unthrifty loveliness why dost thou spend,
Upon thy self thy beauty's legacy?
Nature's bequest gives nothing but doth lend,
And being frank she lends to those are free:
Then beauteous niggard why dost thou abuse,
The bounteous largess given thee to give?
Profitless usurer why dost thou use
So great a sum of sums yet canst not live?
For having traffic with thy self alone,
Thou of thy self thy sweet self dost deceive,
Then how when nature calls thee to be gone,
What acceptable audit canst thou leave?
Thy unused beauty must be tombed with thee,
Which used lives th' executor to be.
Shakespeare's Sonnet #2
When forty winters shall besiege thy brow,
And dig deep trenches in thy beauty's field,
Thy youth's proud livery so gazed on now,
Will be a tattered weed of small worth held:
Then being asked, where all thy beauty lies,
Where all the treasure of thy lusty days;
To say within thine own deep sunken eyes,
Were an all-eating shame, and thriftless praise.
How much more praise deserved thy beauty's use,
If thou couldst answer 'This fair child of mine
Shall sum my count, and make my old excuse'
Proving his beauty by succession thine.
This were to be new made when thou art old,
And see thy blood warm when thou feel'st it cold.
My wife's just been checking to see if she has everything ready for her first solo parachute jump tomorrow.
I said, "Have you got a spare pair of knickers with you?"
"What, in case I shit myself?" She replied.
"No." I said, "In case your main chute doesn't fucking open."
#sexandshit
Jesus' life told by the bible:
1. baby
2. ???
3. prophet
#religion
Why do women shower so much after being raped?
To get rid of the smell of fried chicken.
#crime
I walked in with a bunch of flowers today and my wife said, "Ok, what have you done now?"
"I slept with your sister," I replied.
"What? And you think a bunch of flowers are going to make me forgive you?" she screamed.
"What the fuck are you on about?" I replied. "They're for your sister."
#sexandshit
"Do you remember that row twenty years ago when we sat down and wrote down each others faults?" I said to my wife.
"Oh God yes, I still have mine somewhere, " she said with a giggle.
"I've finished, " I replied.
#sexandshit
I met two guys wearing matching clothing. So I asked them if they were gay.
They promptly arrested me.
#sexandshit
My dad always used to say "The first rule of theatre is to always leave them wanting more".
Good man, terrible anaesthetist.
#other
A Paki bloke was showing me his tattoo.
"Isn't that one of those that just washes off," I asked.
"I don't know," he replied.
#racism
No wonder the Williams sisters always win at tennis.
Black people have centuries of experience serving.
And appearing at the courts, for that matter.
#racism
The son went to his dad and asked him, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?"
So the dad replied, "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."
The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two."
#illness
What would you call Christopher Walken in a wheelchair?
Christopher.
#celebrities
I'm not saying I drive a small car...
But whenever I get home, my garage asks if it's in yet.
#sexandshit
Who needs a wife anyway?
How difficult can it be to boil a toast?
#other
Shakespeare's Sonnet #3
Look in thy glass and tell the face thou viewest,
Now is the time that face should form another,
Whose fresh repair if now thou not renewest,
Thou dost beguile the world, unbless some mother.
For where is she so fair whose uneared womb
Disdains the tillage of thy husbandry?
Or who is he so fond will be the tomb,
Of his self-love to stop posterity?
Thou art thy mother's glass and she in thee
Calls back the lovely April of her prime,
So thou through windows of thine age shalt see,
Despite of wrinkles this thy golden time.
But if thou live remembered not to be,
Die single and thine image dies with thee.
Shakespeare's Sonnet #1
From fairest creatures we desire increase,
That thereby beauty's rose might never die,
But as the riper should by time decease,
His tender heir might bear his memory:
But thou, contracted to thine own bright eyes,
Feed'st thy light's flame with self-substantial fuel,
Making a famine where abundance lies,
Thy self thy foe, to thy sweet self too cruel.
Thou that art now the world's fresh ornament,
And only herald to the gaudy spring,
Within thine own bud buriest thy content,
And tender churl mak'st waste in niggarding:
Pity the world, or else this glutton be,
To eat the world's due, by the grave and thee.
I broke up with my girlfriend when I found out she used to walk the streets and fuck people.
I could never forgive her for being a traffic warden.
#other
I was at the bus stop today when some Paki came up to me and asked, "Been here long?"
I replied, "All my life, unlike you, you immigrant cunt."
#racism
A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital…
He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.
"Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest.
"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward."
#religion
My daughter came home from school yesterday carrying a child's artwork... "Look what I made daddy," she said, "We were supposed to draw a scene from inside our house."
I looked at it and said, "That's nice sweetheart, but when have you seen a gorilla and a pink elephant standing under a waterfall in this house?"
"That's not what that is daddy. That's mommy and her friend Tyrone in the shower when you're at work."
#sexandshit
Someone knocked at my door this afternoon.
When I opened it, I saw a guy from Dominos holding a cheese tomato pizza.
"I haven't ordered any pizza," I said, "This must be a mistake."
"I know," he replied, "Your neighbour forgot his Facebook password and wanted to show you what he was eating for lunch."
#other
I donated my sperm to a lesbian couple.
They said that it was delicious.
#sexandshit
Scientists have just announced today that Dolphins are second to man in intelligence levels.
So that pushes women down to third place.
#sexandshit
A crazy girl just called me a stalker and then blocked me.
I dont know what her deal is, but I'm about to ring her doorbell and find out.
#crime
"How big would you say your penis was when you were 12?"
"Eight inches."
"You had an eight inch penis when you were 12?"
"No, that's how big I would say it was."
#sexandshit
They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles.
Who the hell runs 8 miles in 45 seconds?
#sexandshit
"I'm going to fuck you over!' means two completely different things, depending on whether you're talking face to face...or on a walkie-talkie..
#sexandshit
My next door neighbour was showing me her rape kit: pepper spray, a whistle, a torch, a disposable camera, pens, paper, her phone tracking device, and a billiard ball in a sock.
Fuck me, mine's only a balaclava and a knife.
#sexandshit
I went to a group therapy session today.
The woman who was running the group said,
"On the count of three, everyone share a secret about themselves."
"One...."
"I can't count," I shouted.
#other