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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
I hate it when people say 'size doesn't matter'.
It makes me feel as if I have a huge cock for nothing.
#sexandshit
When you die, you come one step closer to God.
You don't exist.
#religion
I made my wife scream during sex last night.
She walked into our daughter's room.
#sexandshit
Making love to a woman is like playing a violin.
I don't know how to do it.
#sexandshit
Even if I don't know the girl, I can always tell if she has a good sense of humour...
...just by feeling her tits.
#sexandshit
I was in the gym last night and while having a breather I noticed a hole in my trainer that was just big enough to put my finger in, to cut a long story short, she complained and now I've been banned
#sexandshit
Joey gives Mary 1 stuffed animal and 2 flowers. Emma gives Mary 3 flowers and 2 stuffed animals. Sam gives Mary 2 stuffed animals and 1 flower. What does Mary have?
Cancer. Mary has cancer.
#illness
I was tucking the kids into bed last night when one of them said,
"Where's my mummy and daddy?"
#crime
Welcome to click bait club.
You're not going to believe the first rule.
#other
What do the Special Olympics and a hand job have in common?
You appreciate the effort but you could do it better.
#sexandshit
What creature is yellow and survives solely by feeding of dead beatles?
Yoko Ono
#celebrities
My 16 year old daughter came home today and said "Dad, I'd like you to meet my new boyfriend Mike."
"Are you kidding me?!" I said, "What the fuck are you doing with this ugly loser? Don't scrape the barrel, you can do much better than this."
"Dad!!" my daughter screamed, "Mike is lovely!"
"I know." I replied "I was talking to him."
#sexandshit
A math teacher has sex with one of his students
How many times does 42 go into 15?
#sexandshit
I'm not sure why hunting is called a sport.
Is it really a sport when one team doesn't know the match has started?
#sport
If I had a dollar for every gender...
I'd have $1.77.
#sexism
My time machine landed slap bang in the middle of Hitlers living room in 1940, I thought now's my chance to change the world,
"Please sir," I pleaded, "don't gas the Jews."
"Gas the Jews?" Hitler replied, "h'mm, I hadn't thought of that."
#racism
James Bond goes around the world killing people, stealing stuff, fucking any woman he can get his hands on (without caring if he leaves her with a kid or an STD) and has all the latest gadgets despite not doing an honest day's graft in his life.
Are we sure he can't be played by a black bloke?
#racism
My girlfriend asked me to name all the women I've slept with.
I probably should've stopped when I got to her.
#sexandshit
"Dead or alive, you're coming with me."
Great movie quote, terrible pickup line…
#sexandshit
I was blessed with a 9 inch penis.
That priest is in jail now.
#sexandshit
So why not some codes for seniors:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friends Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
LWO - Lawrence Welk's On
OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas
ROFL...CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA - Wet the Furniture Again
WTP - Where's the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!
DTAF - Don't Trust A Fart
#other
Do Transformers get car insurance or life insurance?
Neither because they live in America.
#tv
Why do riot police like to get to work early?
To beat the crowd.
#politics
Just told a guy in the library,talking loudly on his phone, to shut the fuck up..
Everyone in the library applauded and Cheered me so I told them to shut the fuck up too..
#other
You should never judge anybody by the colour of their skin.
That's what the courts are for.
#racism
I had to go see my doctor today because I’m having an unusual problem. I say to him, “I’ve got a problem, every time I finish masturbating I sing the American national anthem”.The doctor said, “Don’t worry, a lot of wankers sing that”.
#racism
If you think dogs can't count,
Put 3 biscuits in your pocket then give him only 2.
#other
A man walks into a bar...
The bartender asks "Why the long face?"
The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death."
The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself."
The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?"
The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy."
The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar.
A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face.
"Did you kill the guy?" The bartender asks nervously.
"Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please."
#sexandshit
Why did God give women two sets of lips?
So they can piss and moan at the same time
#sexandshit
I'm not an alcoholic. Alcoholics go to meetings.
I'm a drunk. I go to parties.
#illness