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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
A while ago I had a blind date with a Jewish girl.
She asked me for my number.
I told her that we usually use names.
#racism
The American President has challenged the British Prime Minister to a debate.
Nobody knows what may happen.
Trump may trump May or May may trump Trump.
#politics
Man, I still remember my grandpa's last words...
"Stop playing with that shotgun you little fucking cunt."
#mortality
A programmer's wife tells him to go buy some milk, and, while he's there, to get eggs.
He hasn't come back.
#other
News: Apple introduces HomePod device that hears everything you say, knows every answer, and controls your entire home.
Shouldn't it be called the iWife?
#sexism
My little brother wanted to be treated like a prince...
...So I slit his throat while he was sleeping to ensure he didn't lay claim to my crown.
#mortality
What is the difference between Russia and reality?
Trump had connections with Russia.
#politics
Simply put a % sign after your age to see how dead you are...
#mortality
I saw a woman driver cause an accident today.
She indicated that she was turning right and then actually fucking turned right.
#sexism
News: Japanese princess to give up royal status so she can marry a commoner.
I'm pretty sure she'll bring that up every time she has a row with her husband.
#other
My wife's an animal in bed.
Pity it's a fucking sloth.
#sexandshit
A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia.
Librarian: "They're right behind you!"
#illness
Lesbians, if you hate men so much, stop trying to look like them!
You don't see jews dressed as nazis.
#sexism
Daddy, what are clouds made of?
Linux servers, mostly.
#other
I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.
She looked OK for a 61 year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.
We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double..?
'What's that..?' I asked.
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
I said, 'No,' - really excitedly.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'My Lucky Night',.
So I went back to her place.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, you still awake"..?
#sexandshit
Just watched Harry Potter. It wasn't very realistic.
Come on, a ginger with two friends?
#racism
Why did the slave go to college?
So he could pickup his Master's degree.
#racism
The Speed of Light is 3*10^8 metres per second. What then is the Speed of Darkness?
9.58 seconds over 100 metres.
#racism
What did the boy with no arms get for his Birthday?
Don't know, he hasn't opened it yet.
#illness
News: "Wonder Woman" earned $300 million worldwide in first week.
Related News: "Wonder Man" earned $400 million for doing the same job.
#sexism
I've just fallen through the roof of a French bakery...
I'm in a world of pain.
#other
UK govt can't find a terrorist in a terrorist documentary, but 7 min after you forget to pay your TV license, they take out your front door.
#other
Jesus sacrificed his life for your sins…
Except he came back…
So, what did he really sacrifice?
His weekend?
Jesus sacrificed his weekend for your sins…
#religion
A woman is like a cloud.
If she's not there, it's a nice day.
#sexism
"Tell me honestly, are you guilty?" asked my lawyer, "It doesn't make a difference to me, but I don't want to be surprised in court."
"Yes, I raped and murdered all of those prostitutes," I admitted.
"That's very interesting," he said, "But let's get back to this shoplifting charge now."
#crime
I hate people who take drugs.
Mainly customs officers.
#crime
An Imam told me that throwing bacon at a Muslim is as offensive as throwing dog shit at them.
Anyway, long story short, I'm now saving a fortune on bacon.
#racism
Witnesses described hearing a horrible deafening noise coming from the Ariana Grande concert at the Manchester Arena this evening...
Then it stopped and there was an explosion.
#crime
Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.
They said it would be like winning the Lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.
#sexandshit