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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
Using just one hand I can count 11 reasons incest is bad.
#sexandshit
A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says: "Make me one with everything"...
After a brief chuckle at the monks joke the vendor hands him his hot dog with everything and says, "That'll be $4 please."
The monk hands over a $10 bill and waits whilst the vendor just stares back at him... Awkwardly the monk ask's, "What about my change?"
"Ah," replies the hot dog vendor, "Change must come from within."
#other
Due to the recession and to save on energy costs, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off.
#other
"Fucking kids are expensive," I said.
"Is," replied my lawyer.
#crime
A Georgian boy is getting married to a Russian girl and his dad teaches him how to behave on their first night: "First, throw her on the bed to know that Georgia is power". "Then take off your clothes for her to know that Georgia is beautiful". And then grandpa adds: "Then sit down and masturbate, for her to know that Georgia is independent".
#politics
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like a woman?
That's your common sense leaving your body.
#sexandshit
He tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
He committed suicide and now he's dead.
#news
I love fucking German girls...
But it's such a boner-killer when they keep shouting their age during sex.
#sexandshit
Why did god create man before he created woman?
Because he didn't want any advice on how to do it.
#sexism
My brother was so mean when I was a child. He used to glue the pages of his porn magazines together so I couldn't look at them.
#sexandshit
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?", she replied.
"No, the regular kind."
#sexandshit
News: British man who built world's largest Rubik's cube builds world's largest fidget spinner.
He then went home to the world's emptiest bed.
#news
I wanted to test out religious tolerance in the UK, so first I stood outside a Church dressed as a Roman soldier and nobody cared.
Then I went to a synagogue dressed as Hitler, they were quite cross and told me to leave politely, but firmly.
And then, nine miles from my nearest Mosque, I had a Bacon sandw
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.
The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."
The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.
The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.
The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.
The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."
#other
Without Arabians, 9/11 wouldn't exist.
It would be IX/XI instead.
#other
There's no "I" in "team" but there are 5 in "individual brilliance".
#other
Why are students allowed to have a bible during testing?
It doesn't have any answers.
#religion
A psychiatrist finds a man lying by the road who has been robbed and beaten senseless.
The psychiatrist says, "My god, whoever did this needs help!"
#illness
My neighbor Mohammed had the cops called to his home after beating his wife.
The court can't decide if it's domestic violence or child abuse.
#racism
I was lying in bed this morning.
Told the wife I still love her.
#sexandshit
Linkin Park t-shirt for sale $10.
Bit tight around the neck but hangs well.
#news
My girlfriend always takes long baths after we finish watching a Ryan Gosling movie.
I don't know what she's doing in there, but it gives me lots of time to jerk off to Ryan Gosling.
#celebrities
So the new Doctor Who is a woman.
Bet she'll keep bringing up the past.
#sexism
Why do Scottish men wear kilts?
Because the sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.
#racism
You know the razor blade works when there are no reviews on Amazon.
#mortality
"It's about time I told you an important thing," I said to my 15 year old son.
"What is it dad?" He asked.
"You were adopted," I murmured.
"That's impossible!" He exclaimed, "We look the same."
"Well," I replied, "That's because we are fucking Chinese."
#racism
In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for £1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for £1.60 and an apple pie for £2.15.
In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you £2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is £1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for £1.95.
In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and kidney pie comes in at £2.50, but you can two for £3.50, while the chicken and mushroom pie is £2.25, or two for £3.25. They also offer meat and potato pie for £2, or two for £3. Their apple pies and cherry pies are often sold for £2.75, or two (any combination) for £4.75.
Those are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.
#tv
'Benjamin Button.'
'BENJAMIN WHO?'
'Benjamin'
'WHO'S THERE?'
'Knock knock!'
#other
I bought a wooden whistle. But it wooden whistle.
So I bought a steel whistle. But it steel wooden whistle.
So I bought a lead whistle. But it steel wooden lead me whistle.
So I bought a copper whistle. But the copper steel wooden lead me whistle.
So I bought a tin whistle. Now I can whistle.
#other
A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"
"Both, son, God is both."
After awhile the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?"
"Both, son, both."
"Daddy, does God love children?"
"Yes, son, he loves all children."
The child returns a few minutes later and asks, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"
#religion