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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
I told my girlfriend I'll stay by her side while she goes through the abortion procedure tomorrow.
I can't wait to hear the splatter of tiny feet.
#other
Today I'm as disapointed as a dyslexic watching a bear grylls documentary and finding out there's not a single naked lady on it.
#other
I've written a sit-com, set in an abortion clinic. It's called "Some mothers don't have 'em".
#other
Don't leave Christmas preparations until the last moment.
Start getting depressed now.
#christmas
My granny was beaten to death by my granddad.
Not as in, "with a stick" – he just died first.
#death
Genders are like the Twin Towers. There used to be two of them and now it’s a really sensitive subject.
#other
What's better than stretching your ear lobe to 3 inches?
A job.
#other
Prince Harry to marry a nigger.
You can almost hear the brake pipes being cut.
#celebrities
My Grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on technology!"
I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on technology!"
Then I unplugged his life support
#illness
I've been training for months to achieve the world record title of 'Furthest Ejaculation'.
I can't believe how far I've come.
#sexandshit
I just got a text from a girl saying
“Myspacebarisbrokencouldyougivemeanalternative”
Does anyone know the meaning of “ternative”
#computer
At a wedding in Glasgow I whispered to a guy next to me,
"Isn't the bride a right ugly dog"
"Do you mind. That's my daughter you're talking about"
"I'm sorry, I didn't know you were her father''...
"I'm not . . . I'm her fucking mother.
#other
I held the door open for a Japanese guy today..
He said, "sank you", so I punched him in the face. I can't believe he would bring up Pearl Harbor like that.
#racism
I went to the sperm clinic today, the receptionist asked if I would like to masturbate in the cup...
I said, "I'm good, but I'm not sure I'm ready for competition."
#sexandshit
What word begins with M and ends with arriage and is a man's favourite thing?
Miscarriage.
#other
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It's amazing how fast the super powers kick in
#other
I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old.
It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two, then before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed, then for a stronger buzz, I moved onto ecstasy.
It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin. I was a complete mess. I was skint and my body was ruined.
But fuck me, what a night.
#drugs
What does a rapist, a thief and a murder have in common?
His skin colour.
#racism
What would it take to re-unite the Beatles?
2 bullets.
#celebrities
How do you make a cat go 'Woof'?
Soak it in petrol and throw it on the bonfire.
#animals
My son just came out of the closet.
I wish he would just do it into a sock like a normal person.
#sexandshit
What's 9 inches long, pink, and makes my girlfriend scream when I put it in her mouth?
Her miscarriage
#sexandshit
Why did the Polish man cross the road?
Because the cunt has got the fucking chicken's job as well
#racism
Man I love Grand Theft Auto.
Spending a whole day robbing banks, killing hookers, running from the police, stealing cars
and topping it all off with playing Grand Theft Auto.
#other
I can't speak for anyone else, but I think I'm a terrible ventriloquist.
#profession
How does every Muslim joke start?
I don't know but they generally end with a bang.
#racism
A Somali arrives in England as a new immigrant. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr Englishman for letting me in this country!"
But the passer-by says "You are mistaken, I am a Pakistani".
The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in England!".
The person says "I no English, I flom Hong Kong".
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful England!" That person says "I am from Iran, I am not English".
He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you a English citizen?". She says, "No, I am from Romania!"
So he is puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the English?"The Romanian lady looks at her watch, shrugs and says "Probably at work".
#racism
My new Indian girlfriend said that I could give her a facial.
Fuck me, I nearly came on the spot
#sexandshit
If a Muslim beats his wife, would it be domestic violence or child abuse?
#racism