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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
Did you know... if you counted up all the pies bought at sports events every weekend in the UK, the chances are you're autistic.
#illness
"What's your name?", asked the teacher.
"Mohammad," he replied.
"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike.
" Mohammad returned home after school.
"How was your day, Mohammad?", his mother asked.
"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike”.
"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"
And his mother beat the shit out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the shit out of him again.
The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises.
"What happened to you, Mike?", she asked.
"Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two fucking Arabs."
#racism
I showed some hard cunt at the pub what I was made of.
Fragile bones and lots of blood.
#other
I showed my class of children at my school in Norwich a Dynamo DVD and they were amazed at the magical powers on display.
But then I explained how televisions work and they relaxed.
#technology
Donald Trump: a man so obnoxious that karma may see him reincarnated as himself
#celebrities
I'm currently taking a course in Italian martial arts.
It's a lot like karate, lots of kicks and face stomping, except there are two guys holding your opponent down.
#racism
I ask for anal and she says "Are you gay or something?"
I ask for a blow job and she says "Ewww! Icky"
I ask for a hand job and she says "Do it yourself"
It's straight sex or nothing.
But she's my mum and I love her very much.
#sexandshit
The wife said, "You haven't listened to a fucking word I've said, have you?"
What a strange way to start a conversation
#other
So I told this joke about dead babies in work the other day and it offended a female colleague who had an abortion a couple of months ago. She yelled at me and filed a complaint. So from this experience between me and her, I realised two things;
Making jokes about dead babies = harsh and offensive
Actually making dead babies = Okay.
#other
What's black and screams?
Stevie Wonder answering the iron.
#celebrities
You know what I hate? People who answer their own questions
#other
What word begins with M and ends with arriage and is a man's favourite thing?
Miscarriage.
#other
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It's amazing how fast the super powers kick in
#other
I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old.
It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two, then before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed, then for a stronger buzz, I moved onto ecstasy.
It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin. I was a complete mess. I was skint and my body was ruined.
But fuck me, what a night.
#drugs
Everyone at work calls the boss Samsung.
Because he's a phoney cunt.
#wordplay
A survey was done in the Middle East to see which cities still watch The Flintstones.
Baghdad don’t but Abu Dhabi do.
#wordplay
When I go to someone's house and they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don't like visitors.
#other
If you watch Rambo backwards its about a soldier who brings people back to life with his magical vacuum gun
#other
Scientists have discovered that at least 50 percent of fat people's BMI is made up of excuses
#other
They say the pain during child birth is so great,
A woman can almost imagine what a man with a cold feels like.
#other
The gender neutral name for a sugar daddy is glucose guardian.
#other
My brother and I laugh about how competitive we were as kids...
But I laugh more.
#other
Sat on the train and I'm in desperate need of a shit but the toilet is out of order.
Been sat here holding it for about 20 minutes now.
My hands fucking stink and some of the passengers have been sick.
#disgusting
I always said if I ever saw the bully from my schooldays again, that I wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire.
I've changed my mind about that now.
It was immensely satisfying.
#violence
Phones are so expensive nowadays when you fall and hear a crack you hope it’s just your leg.
#other
I told my girlfriend I'll stay by her side while she goes through the abortion procedure tomorrow.
I can't wait to hear the splatter of tiny feet.
#other
Today I'm as disapointed as a dyslexic watching a bear grylls documentary and finding out there's not a single naked lady on it.
#other
I've written a sit-com, set in an abortion clinic. It's called "Some mothers don't have 'em".
#other
Don't leave Christmas preparations until the last moment.
Start getting depressed now.
#christmas