13122
The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
It's impossible to persuade kids these days to write a letter to Santa.
They simply don't believe in the existence of letters.
#other
"I got fired today," I told my mate, "for downloading porn on the work computer and causing everything to crash."
"That's a bit harsh," he replied.
"They don't fuck around at Air Traffic Control," I said.
#sexandshit
What’s the worst part about having a daughter with cancer?
You can’t pull on her hair while you rape her
#sexandshit
It's shit when all your brothers & sisters grow up, leaving you alone with your parents.
Especially when you're the oldest.
#other
I’ve just watched the Harry Potter films
It’s a bit unrealistic if you ask me.
I mean, a ginger kid with two friends?!
#other
I find it very hard buying presents for the wife at Christmas.
Because I fucking hate her.
#other
I hate it when people say 'You don't need alcohol to have fun.'
You don't need shoes to run, but it fucking helps.
#other
Christmas?
The celebration of one seriously fucked-up family.
A man was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God.
#christmas
I work all year 6 days a week so the kids can have a brilliant Christmas, all the presents they want, and who gets all the credit? That fat cunt with the beard!
My fault for marrying her I suppose
#other
I found a mass grave today, full of dead snowmen.
"Dave," shouted my wife, "Come away from the pond.
#other
I got into an argument with a bloke down the pub, and I thought "hang on, be a good person. What would Jesus do?" So I stopped existing.
#religion
My dad always used to say, "If you can't laugh at yourself, who can you laugh at?"
After being on Sickipedia I see the obvious answer is pakis blacks, spastics, and the dead.
#other
As much of a thrill-seeker as I am, I would never bungee jump.
I came into this world because of a broken rubber and I’m not going out because of one
#other
I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me."
So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.
Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!"
I said, "£100 and it's yours
#other
What's better than ignoring emo's suicidal facebook comments?
Liking them
#other
When Muslim parents have to use the, "Open wide, here comes the airplane!" technique, do they just smash it in their face and make explosive noises?
#islam
My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them...
I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering...
Do I keep the letters?
#other
I saw a dozen people running down the road earlier
I shouted 'Oi, what's going on?'
A bloke shouts 'a lions escaped from the zoo'
'Bloody hell, which way did it go?'
'You don't think we're fucking chasing it, do you?'
#other
What's red and crawls up a woman's leg?
A homesick abortion.
#other
I went to the flight desk and told the lady there that the airline had lost my luggage.
"Has your flight landed yet?" she asked me.
"No, I'm having an out-of-body experience."
#sarcasm
Just walked past a sign that read, "This fire door is alarmed".
So I give it a little rub and told it everything is going to be ok.
#wordplay
My friend has just discovered that he’s both dyslexic and gay
He’s still in Daniel!
#wordplay
I managed to get blood from a stone yesterday. Took some scrubbing, but at least the evidence is gone.
#crime
"Ironman" is a superhero
"Iron, woman" is a simple instruction
#oldbutgold
Two priests are driving down the road when they are stopped by two police officers.
"We're looking for two child molesters," the officers tell them.
The priests look at each other before they speak. "We'll do it."
#sexandshit
I miss my best mate... He used to say funny things like, "Fuck wearing a helmet!"
#other
What do you get if you hold a twenty pound note between your chin and your chest?
A good impression of Stephen Hawking at a strip club.
#celebrities
I was mortified when the bloke cleaning my windows looked in through the open window and saw me naked from the waist down, watching porn and masturbating.
Thankfully, after about ten seconds of shocked silence, the light turned green.
#sexandshit
Women are like snowflakes - beautiful, unique, and fucking deadly on the road.
#other
Darts, the only sport where the players have bigger tits than the promo girls
#sports