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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
My wife had just given birth to a baby boy.
10 pounds.
Or nearest offer.
I need the money for drugs.
#other
90% of being married is shouting “WHAT?” from other rooms.
#other
It didn’t matter how many times I said ‘focus’ to my wife while she was practising her reverse parking.
She still hit it.
#other
My co-workers are like my Christmas lights…
Half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t that bright.
#other
I've just received a cheeky card promising me a Christmas morning of hot anal sex!
I really fucking hate prison.
#sexandshit
I’m not convinced that faith can move mountains, but I’ve seen what it can do to skyscrapers.
#other
It's impossible to persuade kids these days to write a letter to Santa.
They simply don't believe in the existence of letters.
#other
"I got fired today," I told my mate, "for downloading porn on the work computer and causing everything to crash."
"That's a bit harsh," he replied.
"They don't fuck around at Air Traffic Control," I said.
#sexandshit
What’s the worst part about having a daughter with cancer?
You can’t pull on her hair while you rape her
#sexandshit
It's shit when all your brothers & sisters grow up, leaving you alone with your parents.
Especially when you're the oldest.
#other
I’ve just watched the Harry Potter films
It’s a bit unrealistic if you ask me.
I mean, a ginger kid with two friends?!
#other
I find it very hard buying presents for the wife at Christmas.
Because I fucking hate her.
#other
I hate it when people say 'You don't need alcohol to have fun.'
You don't need shoes to run, but it fucking helps.
#other
Christmas?
The celebration of one seriously fucked-up family.
A man was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God.
#christmas
I work all year 6 days a week so the kids can have a brilliant Christmas, all the presents they want, and who gets all the credit? That fat cunt with the beard!
My fault for marrying her I suppose
#other
Two's company, three's a crowd.
So stop fucking making up genders.
#other
I took my son to see Santa today, but as soon as he sat on his knee he started crying.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
"It's this job mate, I fucking hate it."
#other
Once, my dad found out I had an imaginary girlfriend:
- "You can do so much better, you know?", he said.
- "Thanks dad, that means so much to me".
- "I was talking to her..."
#other
My wife caught me sleeping with my daughter. She wasn't that surprised to be honest.
She was more surprised that the doctor gave me the fetus
#disgusting
I call my wife Bambi.
She thinks its because she's cute with big brown eyes.
Actually it's because I would like someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle
#other
Why do birds sing in the morning?
Because they ain’t got to go to fucking work!
#other
When Muslim parents have to use the, "Open wide, here comes the airplane!" technique, do they just smash it in their face and make explosive noises?
#islam
My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them...
I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering...
Do I keep the letters?
#other
I saw a dozen people running down the road earlier
I shouted 'Oi, what's going on?'
A bloke shouts 'a lions escaped from the zoo'
'Bloody hell, which way did it go?'
'You don't think we're fucking chasing it, do you?'
#other
What's red and crawls up a woman's leg?
A homesick abortion.
#other
I went to the flight desk and told the lady there that the airline had lost my luggage.
"Has your flight landed yet?" she asked me.
"No, I'm having an out-of-body experience."
#sarcasm
Just walked past a sign that read, "This fire door is alarmed".
So I give it a little rub and told it everything is going to be ok.
#wordplay
My friend has just discovered that he’s both dyslexic and gay
He’s still in Daniel!
#wordplay
I managed to get blood from a stone yesterday. Took some scrubbing, but at least the evidence is gone.
#crime
"Ironman" is a superhero
"Iron, woman" is a simple instruction
#oldbutgold