13410
The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
What's better then winning gold at the Special Olympics?
Not being retarded.
#insult
I took my lad to see Father Christmas yesterday and he fucking stank of booze and cigarettes.
Fuck knows what Father Christmas thought of him.
#christmas
I visited my mate's grave today.
He was right... I should have let him drive.
#other
Look it’s a bird!
No, it’s a plane.
No, it’s Uncle Samir.
Or at least it was...
#other
"Hey silly, 你估啲英國佬識唔識欣賞我呢個笑話?"
A Chinese guy talked to his iPhone.
#other
Thought I'd be generous enough to hand out some cookies and milk to the starving kids of Africa this Christmas, along with some toys. I told them they can keep the toys, but the cookies and milk are strictly for Santa.
#christmas
Christmas these days is a lot like having sex, the build up is great but when it finally comes, I regret spending all that money.
#christmas
Good news for all of you with a coke habit.
No more sleeps till Christmas.
#christmas
#other
The shortest day of the year. Thank fuck for that, soon be summer again with nice warm rain to look forward to.
My wife had just given birth to a baby boy.
10 pounds.
Or nearest offer.
I need the money for drugs.
#other
90% of being married is shouting “WHAT?” from other rooms.
#other
It didn’t matter how many times I said ‘focus’ to my wife while she was practising her reverse parking.
She still hit it.
#other
My co-workers are like my Christmas lights…
Half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t that bright.
#other
I've just received a cheeky card promising me a Christmas morning of hot anal sex!
I really fucking hate prison.
#sexandshit
I’m not convinced that faith can move mountains, but I’ve seen what it can do to skyscrapers.
#other
I opened my front door this morning to find my neighbour Abdul lying face down in the snow with a kitchen knife stuck in his back.
I ran back in the house and shouted to my wife "quick, come and see what's happened!"
"What is it?" She asked.
I replied "you'll not believe this, it's been fucking snowing!"
#racism
My brother took going to jail really badly
He refused to eat or drink, spat and swore at people and threw things at them.
So I guess we won't be playing Monopoly this Christmas.
#christmas
I asked my son what he wants me to get him for Christmas.
He said, 'Google Glasses'
I said, 'OK, but I already know what glasses are'
#other
My 10 year old daughter thinks 'Santa' touched her in her sleep last year...
We all know it's a load of fucking bollocks.
It was me.
#sexandshit
Two black guys are sitting at a bar when a gay man walks in and asks them if they'd like some blowjobs.
The two black guys immediately beat the shit out of him and return to their seats.
The bartender asks, "What the hell did you do that for?"
One of the black guys says, "Well, I'm not sure exactly what he said, but he said something about jobs."
#racism
With all that's going on in the world, I am really heartened thinking about that magical being who will visit millions of starving African children this Christmas.
Death
#other
A black boy is helping his mom cook, when he puts flour on his face and says, "Look mom, I'm a white man!"
She slaps him and tells him to go say that to his grandma.
He goes to his grandma and says, "Look, I'm a white man!"
She slaps him too and tells him to go tell his father.
He goes to his father and says, "Look dad, I'm a white man!"
He slaps him too and asks, "What have you learned?"
The boy says, "I've only been white two minutes and I already hate you fucking nigger bastards."
#racism
You know you're fat when you drop something and think to yourself "Do I really need it?"
#other
Is it just me? Or does anybody else not understand what girls with big tits are saying?
#sexandshit
Two's company, three's a crowd.
So stop fucking making up genders.
#other
I took my son to see Santa today, but as soon as he sat on his knee he started crying.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
"It's this job mate, I fucking hate it."
#other
Once, my dad found out I had an imaginary girlfriend:
- "You can do so much better, you know?", he said.
- "Thanks dad, that means so much to me".
- "I was talking to her..."
#other
My wife caught me sleeping with my daughter. She wasn't that surprised to be honest.
She was more surprised that the doctor gave me the fetus
#disgusting
I call my wife Bambi.
She thinks its because she's cute with big brown eyes.
Actually it's because I would like someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle
#other
Why do birds sing in the morning?
Because they ain’t got to go to fucking work!
#other