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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
It's only my first day and as I'm in the shower, all the blacks and pakis keep whistling something to me about "Not dropping the soap !"
I'm seriously thinking about cancelling this gym membership.
#sexandshit
Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house
Not a creature was stirring
Except for a Scouse
He's in through your window
He's out with a sack
To take to his dealer
To swop for some crack
#christmas
I walked in on my grandma sucking my grandads cock. I knew we should have had it cremated with the rest of him.
#sexandshit
Before I die, I'm changing my name by deed poll to Santa Claus.
So I can spend eternity traumatising kids who visit the graveyard.
#other
If you feel the need to vomit, but can't, shove one finger down your throat and one up your arse. If this still doesn't work, swap fingers.
#disgusting
I'm divorcing my wife. First it was the pool boy, then the mail man, then the milkman, then a plumber, then her ex, and then, as if that weren't enough, finally my best friend!
I just really love it up the arse.
#sexandshit
Walking though a Graveyard this morning, I notice a young man kneeling down behind a gravestone.
"Morning", I said to him.
"No", he replied, "Just having a shit."
#disgusting
Why did the chicken commit suicide?
To get to the other side...
#wordplay
What's better then winning gold at the Special Olympics?
Not being retarded.
#insult
I took my lad to see Father Christmas yesterday and he fucking stank of booze and cigarettes.
Fuck knows what Father Christmas thought of him.
#christmas
I visited my mate's grave today.
He was right... I should have let him drive.
#other
Look it’s a bird!
No, it’s a plane.
No, it’s Uncle Samir.
Or at least it was...
#other
"Hey silly, 你估啲英國佬識唔識欣賞我呢個笑話?"
A Chinese guy talked to his iPhone.
#other
Thought I'd be generous enough to hand out some cookies and milk to the starving kids of Africa this Christmas, along with some toys. I told them they can keep the toys, but the cookies and milk are strictly for Santa.
#christmas
Christmas these days is a lot like having sex, the build up is great but when it finally comes, I regret spending all that money.
#christmas
Saw my Ex today. One thing led to another and we ended up having sex.
The Police were a bit pissed off though, I was only supposed to identify the body.
#sexandshit
I can beat anybody in a fight with only one hand.
It's the blokes with two hands who knock the shit out of me.
#other
When I was a kid, my dad sat me down and showed me pictures of why I should always wear a condom.
Funny thing is, they were all just pictures of me.
#sexandshit
I don't think I could ever fist someone.
I'm pretty sure my hand would instinctively grope around for a Pringle while it was in there.
#sexandshit
With great reflexes…
Comes great response ability.
#wordplay
What gets bigger the more you take from it?
The lower class...
#other
100 people died today after a bus caught fire in Mumbai, India.
A local police spokesman said, "Thank god it was only a 12-seater!"
#racism
I wish I could be ugly for one day.
Being ugly every day sucks...
#other
I opened my front door this morning to find my neighbour Abdul lying face down in the snow with a kitchen knife stuck in his back.
I ran back in the house and shouted to my wife "quick, come and see what's happened!"
"What is it?" She asked.
I replied "you'll not believe this, it's been fucking snowing!"
#racism
My brother took going to jail really badly
He refused to eat or drink, spat and swore at people and threw things at them.
So I guess we won't be playing Monopoly this Christmas.
#christmas
I asked my son what he wants me to get him for Christmas.
He said, 'Google Glasses'
I said, 'OK, but I already know what glasses are'
#other
My 10 year old daughter thinks 'Santa' touched her in her sleep last year...
We all know it's a load of fucking bollocks.
It was me.
#sexandshit
Two black guys are sitting at a bar when a gay man walks in and asks them if they'd like some blowjobs.
The two black guys immediately beat the shit out of him and return to their seats.
The bartender asks, "What the hell did you do that for?"
One of the black guys says, "Well, I'm not sure exactly what he said, but he said something about jobs."
#racism
With all that's going on in the world, I am really heartened thinking about that magical being who will visit millions of starving African children this Christmas.
Death
#other
A black boy is helping his mom cook, when he puts flour on his face and says, "Look mom, I'm a white man!"
She slaps him and tells him to go say that to his grandma.
He goes to his grandma and says, "Look, I'm a white man!"
She slaps him too and tells him to go tell his father.
He goes to his father and says, "Look dad, I'm a white man!"
He slaps him too and asks, "What have you learned?"
The boy says, "I've only been white two minutes and I already hate you fucking nigger bastards."
#racism