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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
I like wanking whilst looking in the mirror...
my driving instructor doesn't.
#sexandshit
As the sperm dripped down my wife's chin, I looked in her eyes and asked "Do you like that? "
"No", she relied. " What the fuck is in this sandwich? "
#sexandshit
When my teenage daughter told me she was pregnant, I shouted, "Your mum's going to kill you!"
I'm not sure if the little cunt inside her heard me or not.
#sexandshit
If you lose your tree, try stapling a picture of it to a cat.
#other
Whenever I phone my wife on her mobile, I speak as quietly as I can.
The closer she holds it, the greater the chance of a tumour
#other
Does anyone else find it odd that there's only one Monopolies Commission?
#other
You know you're getting older when you walk by a couple of priests and they don't even look your way
#sexandshit
It's winter again. That time of year when the poor are making tough choices between food, heating or getting that massive new tattoo.
#other
My Wife just came out of the bedroom wearing a Nurses outfit.
I thought, Fucking Awesome!
She's going to work.
#other
Before you make fun of kids for believing in Santa Claus, remember; There are still people who believe the troops fight for freedom.
#other
"I love you just the way you are", I soulfully sang to my wife.
Then I put the flowers on her grave.
#other
Scientists say that men ejeculate at 20 miles per hour, which means at that speed it’s safe to hit a child
#sexandshit
Facebook game requests are like the jehovah's witnesses of the internet
#internet
It's only my first day and as I'm in the shower, all the blacks and pakis keep whistling something to me about "Not dropping the soap !"
I'm seriously thinking about cancelling this gym membership.
#sexandshit
Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house
Not a creature was stirring
Except for a Scouse
He's in through your window
He's out with a sack
To take to his dealer
To swop for some crack
#christmas
Why do police dogs lick their balls?
To get the taste of niggers out their mouths.
#sexandshit
I have a polish friend who is a sound technician. Oh, and a Czech one too. Czech one too. Czech one too
#wordplay
Discover what it was like to live in medieval Britain by simply moving to Glasgow
#other
Don’t get a woman, get a dog… They are loyal
and they die sooner
#other
What’s the hardest part about a Muslim killing his own daughter?
Suppressing the erection.
#sexandshit
It's times like these when I'm sat in bed with my computer on my knee when I really wish I'd bought a laptop.
#other
I'm going through a long and messy divorce and have decided the only way to go is suicide.
Now all I have to do is talk the bitch into it.
#other
A recent study showed the average American is nearly 4kg heavier than the average Brit.
Turns out an oversized ego doesn't weigh as much as teeth.
#insult
New year's resolution - give up smoking and wanking.
It'll be tough because since I was 14, I've been a 40-a-day guy. I smoke a fair bit too.
#other
Mummy, why did we do Christmas and presents in July this year?
Because it’s cheaper than chemotherapy.
#illness
"Allahu Akbar" means different things to different people.
To Muslims it means "God is great."
To Westerners it means "run like fuck."
#racism
My missus isn't speaking to me anymore, just because I didn't open the car door for the bitch.
Well, to be honest, I panicked and swam like fuck to the surface.
#other
Saw my Ex today. One thing led to another and we ended up having sex.
The Police were a bit pissed off though, I was only supposed to identify the body.
#sexandshit
I can beat anybody in a fight with only one hand.
It's the blokes with two hands who knock the shit out of me.
#other