13122
The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
Shame about the Tesla driver that crashed while watching a movie.
He should've watched the trailer.
#other
My friend asked me if I was ready to go to the nudist colony.
I was born ready.
#sexandshit
My only talent is sleeping.
I could do it with my eyes closed.
#other
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat,
then I remember they just feed off attention.
#other
Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most American in three weeks.
After three weeks the Syrians meet again at a McDonalds. The first Syrian makes his case for him being more American by saying: "Every day I have taken my son to softball practice and my daughter to ballet. I just purchased my first car and it is a Chevy El Camino. I've recently started listening to Toby Keith and Lynyrd Skynyrd and my favorite football team is the Dallas Cowboys. Beat that!"
The other Syrian simply replies with: "Get out of my country, you fucking towelhead."
#racism
A German walks into a library and asks for a book on war.
The librarian replies, "No mate, you'll lose it."
#racism
What's black and sexually aroused right now?
All of Justin Beiber's potential future cellmates.
#news
An Apple store near where I live got robbed.
$25k worth of merchandise was stolen. The police said that they will get both computers back.
#other
Necrophilia is such a disgusting term
We prefer the term aliveophobic
#sexandshit
Why do old people read the bible so much?
Cramming for finals.
#mortality
Apparently if your girlfriend or wife ever says "if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new...."
"anything" doesn't include getting stuck in traffic.
#sexandshit
At a job interview: "What are your strengths?"
"I'm an optimist and a positive thinker."
"Can you give me an example?"
"Yes, when do I start?"
#other
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85.
That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
#other
When I first met my wife all she wanted to do was fuck me and wank me off.
Now all she does is call me a wanker and tell me to fuck off.
#sexandshit
My wife apologised for the first time ever today.
She said she's sorry she ever married me.
#sexandshit
Four surgeons sit around discussing their favorite patients.
The first surgeon says, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up, everything is in alphabetical order".
The second surgeon says, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up, everything is in numerical order".
The third surgeon says, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up, everything is color coded."
The fourth surgeon says, "I like operating on politicians."
The other three surgeons look at each other in disbelief.
The fourth surgeon continues, "Because they're heartless, gutless, spineless, and the ass and head are interchangeable."
#polics
I was travelling in Delhi and ended up watching an 8 year old girl getting gang raped by a group of Indian men on a bus.
"Look at that," I said to the Indian woman sat next to me. "It's absolutely disgusting, isn't it?"
"Yes," she said. "Perhaps you should turn your iPad off for a bit."
#sexandshit
My wife said she would leave me if I didn't stop making Pokémon references...
'You need to make a choice," she said, "It's either me or the stupid pokémon references!"
"I understand", I replied, holding back tears. "Sandra, I choose you!!!"
#other
I kissed a girl in the club and she said, "Oh my God, you've been smoking. It's just like licking an ashtray."
"You non-smokers have some funny fucking habits," I replied.
#other
They say money changes people and I have to agree.
I cancelled my wife's credit cards and she turned into a complete cunt.
#other
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
#other
A tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own.
He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint British pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a few pints of stout.
After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighborhood with big, stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.
He really, really has to go, after all those drinks. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London police officer, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."
"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the tourist, "but I really, really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom."
"Ah, yes," said the policeman. "Just follow me". He leads the tourist down a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.
"In there," points the policeman. "Go ahead sir, anywhere you like."
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.
Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the police officer, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call English hospitality?"
"No sir," replied the police officer, "that is what we call the French Embassy."
#racism
My wife left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mom's."
I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.
#other
The average man can fill a 500ml bottle with his cum in 2 weeks.
I had a very lonely Christmas.
#sexandshit
A bishop walks straight up to the bar and the barman says: "You can't do that. Bishops can only move diagonally."
#other
Why are the twin towers and genders so similar?
Because there used to be two of them, but it's offensive to joke about that now.
#other
"Son, if you piss really hard into the bowl, it makes your willy sound bigger."
"That's great dad, but you've ruined my cornflakes."
#other
I overheard some uneducated bloke at the pub compare black people to gorillas.
That couldn't be farther from the truth.
Everyone with half a brain knows that the male gorilla actually stays around and helps raise their kids.
#racism
I told the wife, "My mate Dave went deaf at a Justin Bieber concert he took his daughter to"
"Was he standing to close to the stage?"
"No, he shoved his car keys through his ear drums"
#celebrities
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.
The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."
The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.
The CEO says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.
The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a million dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.
The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."
#other