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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
Why did America remove the "u" from "colour"?
Because fuck u that's why.
#other
Since purchasing a Tablet, I have become extremely proficient at navigating porn websites with my nose.
#sexandshit
What's the difference between a man who falls off a building from the 20th floor, and a man who falls off a building from the 2nd floor?
The man from the 20th floor goes: "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!" *thud*.
While the man from the 2nd floor goes: *thud* "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!"
#other
I like my women like I like my coffee.
Made by my mum.
#sexandshit
Religious Shit
Taoism:
Shit happens.
Buddhism:
If shit happens, it's not really shit.
Islam:
If shit happens, it's the will of Allah.
Protestantism:
Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
Judaism:
Why does this shit always happen to us?
Hinduism:
This shit happened before.
Catholicism:
Shit happens because you're bad.
Hare Krishna:
Shit happens rama rama.
T.V. Evangelism:
Send more shit.
Jehova's Witness:
Knock knock, shit happens.
Hedonism:
There's nothing like a good shit happening.
Christian Science:
Shit happens in your mind.
Agnosticism:
Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.
Rastafarianism:
Let's smoke this shit.
Existentialism:
What is shit anyway?
Stoicism:
This shit doesn't bother me.
Atheism:
No shit.
#religion
Christianity is the religion of forgiveness.
And if you don't believe that, you can burn in a pit of fire for all eternity.
#religion
Roosevelt, Churchill and Stalin are taking a coffee break in Yalta. Churchill takes out a small black notebook and starts writing something down.
"Taking notes?", Roosevelt asks.
"No," Churchill says, "I heard a new political joke about myself this morning. I collect all jokes about myself. I already have over 100 in this notebook."
"How funny," Stalin says. "I collect all jokes about myself too."
"Oh, really?" Churchill says. "So how many have you got?"
"Three prison camps so far."
#politics
A woman with a clipboard stopped me and asked if I'd participate in a survey.
"This country's going to the dogs," I ranted. "Bloody immigrants! Poles, blacks, bloody Chinese, and now Bulgarians. Do you know there's eighteen different languages spoken in my daughter's school. There's one kid from Moldova. I mean, where the fuck's Moldova? It's not on you know. Something's got to change."
"Okay...well..back to the survey," she said. "Can you believe it's not butter?"
#politics
After knocking down a kid with my car, my wife told me to turn myself into the police.
So I bought a uniform and started shooting black people.
#racism
Me: Squirting isn't real, right? It's just urine, right?
Interviewer: I meant any questions about the job.
#sexandshit
Speeding along at 60, there was a buzz from my mobile on the dashboard.
"Your phone just went," said my wife.
"Its only a text," I replied. "I'll check it when we get there."
She picked up the phone, and looked at it suspiciously. Then she tapped the screen, scrolled down and started reading. "I thought so," she sneered. "It's yet another crap joke from Dave about women being bad drivers."
"Watch the fucking road," I snapped. "You just ran a red light."
#sexism
My girlfriend claims I try to make everything into a 'quiz'. Is that:
a) weird
b) annoying
c) unfair
#other
Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day.
Push a man from a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.
#mortality
How many protestors do you need to change a lightbulb?
Trick question. Protestors don't change anything.
#politics
I don't like to label myself as 'unemployed'.
I like to think of myself as a highly trained back-up in case the entire Royal Family dies.
#other
"My dad is harder than your dad."
"Yeah? Who's told you that?"
"Your mum."
#sexandshit
I was teaching my science class about the female anatomy:
"This is the vagina. This is the clitoris, and this is the anus. Any questions?"
"Yes," said one of the pupils, "Can I put my knickers back on now?"
#sexandshit
My german girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performances on a scale of 1-10. Last night we tried anal. She kept yelling 9. That's the best I've ever done.
#sexandshit
My mate Paddy just told me that he robbed a shop last night.
"What did you get?" I asked.
"26 pictures," he smiled, showing me. "The cheapest one is worth over £180,000."
I said, "Dude, these are from an estate agents."
#crime
Three men die and are sent to Hell. Satan punishes them based on their sins, they must all spend 80 years locked in a room with their guilty pleasures in life. The alchohalic will have all the booze he can drink. The sex addict will have countless beautiful, horny women. And the pot head will have all the weed he can smoke. The three men face their punishments happily. 80 years later, Satan opens their doors. The alchohalic had drank all the booze and was incredibly sick from a hangover that never cured. He pleaded for repentance, swearing to never drink again. The sex addict had not aged, and was being chased by several unattactive, horny old ladies. He begged Satan to let him go as he had learned his lesson. Finally, Satan openes the door to the pot head's room. To his surprise, non of the weed had been smoked. The pot head was sitting on the floor crying. He said to Satan, "Do you have a lighter man?!"
#other
Why couldn't Stevie Wonder see his friends?
Because he's married.
#illness
A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter, and you didn't even pay for your sandwich!" "Hey, man, I'm a PANDA!" the panda shouts back. "Look it up!" The manager opens his dictionary and reads: "Panda: a tree-dwellingmammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and whitecoloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
#other
Mom finds a large number of BDSM magazines beneath her sons bed.
Calls her husband up to the room to show him and discuss. "What do you think we should do?" she asks. Father frowns and responds "Well I guess spanking him is out of the question"
#sexandshit
My mate's girlfriend, Wendy, was dancing on a table in the club.
"Good legs," I said to him.
"Do you really think so?," he asked.
"Yes," I replied, "most other tables would've collapsed under that weight."
#sexandshit
Why is suicide illegal?
Destruction of government property.
#politics
According to Coco Chanel, you should only spray perfume where you'd like to be kissed.
Silly bitch. It burns like fuck.
#sexandshit
What Pokémon would you catch in Rio De Janeiro?
Zikachu.
#mortality