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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
Her parents wanted her to date someone of her own ethnicity.
But Polly wanted a cracker.
#racism
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has been my Achilles elbow.
#other
"It's a boy!" I shouted, tears rolling down my face. "I don't believe it. A boy!"
It was at that moment I decided I'd never visit Thailand again.
#sexandshit
Do feminists get pissed off when men insist on paying the bill at the end of a date?
Trick question, feminists don't get asked out on dates.
#sexism
If a man says you're ugly, he's a mean bastard.
If a woman says you're ugly, she's a jealous bitch.
If a child says you're ugly, you're fucking ugly.
#other
My sister asked me if I was gay.
I couldn't give her a straight answer.
#sexandshit
A teacher calls her first grade class from recess. She goes up to little Sally and asked, "Sally, what did you do at recess?" "I played in the sand box." "Good. Now, if you can spell the word 'sand' on the black board, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie." So she spells the word right and gets a cookie. Then comes in little Billy. "Billy, what did you do at recess?" "I played in the sand box with Sally." "Good. Now, if you can spell the word 'box' on the black board, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie." So he spells it right and gets a cookie. Then comes in little Mohammed from recess. "Mohammed, what did you do at recess?" "Billy and Sally threw rocks at me!" "Hmm, that sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination', I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."
#racism
I can tell just by the shoes a woman wears if I'm going to fuck her or not.
If she's wearing 3" heels or higher, I'm definitely going to be fucking her.
If she's wearing nice comfy running shoes, I'm probably not going to be able to catch her.
#crime
I miss the good old days when, if someone talked to you about God, you could just nail the cunt to a piece of wood.
#religion
It can't be much fun being gay.
Your friends are always moaning behind your back.
#sexandshit
I can hear music coming out of my printer.
I think the papers jammin' again.
#other
Boy: Why is the food so cold and bland?
Dad: Because your mother put her heart and soul into it.
#other
How many babies does it take to paint a house?
Depends on how hard you throw them.
#mortality
My wife goes out 3 evenings a week with her driving instructor.
I wouldn't mind but she passed her test in 1993.
#sexandshit
What's the difference between a mad engineer and a mad scientist?
The mad engineer builds an efficient, well-defined death ray and destroys the world in one blow.
The mad scientist builds his death ray and divides the world into three randomised groups: an experimental group to be killed, a control group to be spared and a group that is told they are dead to account for the placebo effect.
#other
"My first son has a PHD in arts, my daughter has two degrees in communication and jornalism and my youngest son is a burglar."
Friend: "Wow a burglar? You should kick him out!"
Dad: "Nah... he is the only one who makes money."
#crime
I had a gay friend in high school who fell into a coma.
We called him Tomato: he was a fruit and a vegetable.
#illness
We never hear anything from Rick Astley these days.
It's almost like he's given us up, and let us down.
#celebrities
There's an app that tells you which one of your friends is stupid.
It's called Facebook.
#other
I always carry a picture of my wife and children in my wallet.
It reminds me why there's no fucking money in there.
#other
If men call short women "petite", what do women call short men?
"friends"
#sexandshit
I was sat watching the TV with my dad when I asked him who Sherlock's assistant was.
"Watson."
"Who's Sherlock's assistant?"
#wordplay
Stereotyping people because of their religion is not nice.
Whether they be a Christian a Jew or a terrorist.
#religion
There are two words in life that will open a lot of doors for people.
Push and pull.
#other
I have just got back from a visit to 2050 in my time machine and 1 in 5 of the British population is a Muslim.
Fuck knows what the government of the day did to get it down to so few.
#racism
My wife caught me crossdressing.
So I packed her things and left.
#other
"My bad" and "I'm sorry" mean the same thing.
Unless you're at a funeral.
#mortality
Well it's getting to that time of year when my wife gets drunk and gives her annual blow job.
I really do hope it's me this year.
#sexandshit
A fisherman catches a shark. As soon as he pulls him up the shark starts yelling, "Wait wait wait... I'm a magic shark, I can grant you wishes if you let me go."
"Alright," says the man, "I want my penis to reach the floor".
So the shark ate his legs.
#other
What is a suicide bombers worse fear?
Dying alone...
#mortality