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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
Why is the British weather like Islam?
Because it’s either Sunni or Shi’ite.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A 70 year old man goes into a brothel. He picks out a young pretty woman
... they go up to her room, strip down and climb into bed.
The old man performs like a teenager, the prostitute is amazed at how energetic and agile he is, she tells him if he can do it like that again, she'll give him one for free.
He says "Yeah, I can, but I need to take a 20 minute nap, and while I'm asleep, I need you to hold my old pecker." She agrees, he wakes up 20 minutes later and goes at it again, just as vigorously as before.
The girl is amazed at the old man's stamina, and repeats her freebie offer, the old man tells her that once again, he'll need a 20 minute nap and she'll have to hold his dick while he's asleep. She does as he asks, he wakes up 20 minutes later and he goes at it again, with even more enthusiasm than previously.
The hooker catches her breath, and needing to satisfy her curiosity, asks the old man "I can understand why you need the nap, but why do you need me to hold your dick while you're sleeping?"
The old man replies "Oh, that's just so you don't steal my wallet."
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
In the bedroom, my girlfriend really likes it when I wear a suit,
because she’s got this kinky fantasy where I have a proper job
#other
All these Muslims hitting people with cars...
If the men are this bad at driving, I see why they don't let their women drive.
#other
Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
She wasn't wearing her seatbelt.
#other
I had that awkward, 'How come your willy is so much bigger than mine?' Conversation with my son in the bathroom this morning...
He said, "I don't know, dad, I'm only three."
#sexandshit
FOR ONCE AND FOR ALL MY AMERICAN FRIENDS....
It's Mum not Mom
It's crisps not chips
It's chips not fries
It's football not soccer
It's rugby not football
It's school not shooting range
#other
Did you hear about the shooting in a library?
I hope he used a silencer
#crime
I found a badly injured owl in our garden last night, so I tried to put it out of its misery...
Took me three fucking hours to wring its neck.
#other
I tried to share a kebab with a homeless guy I saw sitting on a bench last night.
He told me to fuck off and buy my own.
#other
I got a blowjob last night.
Well, it was just a handjob, but she was deaf.
#sexandshit
If a girl gets changed in front of you, then she's either really interested, or thinks of you as just a friend.
Or hasn't yet spotted you in the tree.
#sexandshit
The wife asked me if i want to run upstairs and make mad passionate love with her. I said, "Sorry love. At my age I can't do both."
#sexandshit
I've spent past 5 years searching for my ex-wife's killer.
There must be someone out there that will do it
#crime
What is black and white and falls off the end of a pier?
A Nigger and a Seagull, fighting over a chicken wing
#racism
The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri, “Surely, it’s not going to rain today?”
And she replied, “Yes it is, and don’t call me Shirley.”
That was when I realized I’d left my phone on Airplane mode.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
I was showing my mate a picture of this girl, and I said with a chuckle, "She was only 14 and had already gotten a tattoo."
Unfortunately though, a tour guide overheard, got really upset, and demanded that we instantly leave the Anne Frank house.
#other
If you should ever want to know your Dolphin name,
just lick your finger then rub a balloon
#other
My daughter walked in from her mother's funeral, sat down and started crying.
Not wanting to come across unsympathetic, I handed her a tissue.
"Thanks dad, that's very thoughtful", she said.
Well if she's that upset, I'm hardly going to force her to swallow am I?
#sexandshit
Since The Doctor put my wife on her new tablets we have had sex every night.
Seems nothing wakes her.
#sexandshit
My cock cures Cancer.
Well, that's what I tell the kids in the Leukaemia ward anyway.
#sexandshit
I must be getting old. I thought 'Instagram' was a term for a reliable drug dealer.
#other
How are millenials and tightrope walkers alike?
Compromise their net and they will literally die.
#other
Two Muslim Women were exchanging photos of their little Hero's. The first woman showed a photo and said, "This is Ahmed when he was 12. He would be 18 by now if he didn't die".
Second woman shows a photo of her son and says, "This was Mohamed at 8 years old, again he would be 19 Years old if he didn't die"
First Woman looked up and said, "They blow up so quickly these days".
#religion
My girlfriend’s parents are very religious.
The first time I was at their house, her dad told me we weren’t allowed to sleep together.
It was a bit of a shame – he was very attractive.
#sexandshit
In 2014, the gossip magazines were reporting Rihanna had broken up with Chris Brown after she caught him cheating with a waitress.
A source close to the couple says Rihanna knew something was up when Brown came home with another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.
#celebrities
Save money on noise cancelling headphones.
Just tell people to shut the fuck up.
#other
I just used the vcuum clener on my keybord. Brillint.
#other
Isn't ot ironic that blacks are obsessed with getting whips and chains?
#racism
I just saw an Indian guy shaking a piece of carpet outside his door.
I said, "Whats up, Won't it start?"
#racism