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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
Why don't black people dream?
The last one who had a dream got shot.
#racism
Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?
Man: The thief was spending less than my wife.
Police: Then why are you reporting it now?
Man: I think now the thief's wife has started using it!
#crime
Pornhub have gone all festive by adding snow to their homepage.
Well I'm assuming it's snow.
#sexandshit
Do you know how much cocaine Charlie Sheen uses?
Enough to kill two and a half man.
#tv
Asked a Chinese girl for her number.
She replied, Sex Sex Sex, Free Sex tonight.
I said, Wow!
Then her friend said, She means 6663629.
#racism
I've just been sacked from my job on hospital radio.
Apparently, playing "Do They Know it's Christmas" on repeat, is not appropriate behaviour for the Alzheimer's ward.
#illness
Why are Americans so good at shooting?
They have the best schools for it.
#crime
I accidentally gave my girlfriend a glue stick instead of chapstick...
She's still not talking to me.
#other
My wife and I went to see a psychiatrist.
"What can I do for you?" He asked.
"Our son has got an imaginary friend," said my wife.
"There is nothing wrong with a good healthy imagination to help a child to develop, and this is very common and nothing to worry about at all." Said the psychiatrist.
"We haven't got a son." I replied.
#illness
Dating is a lot like fishing.
Sure, there's plenty of fish in the sea. But until I catch one, I'm just stuck here holding my rod.
#sexandshit
I've just paid for my wife and her mother to go to Paris for two weeks.
That's how much I hate the fucking French.
#racism
A Linux sysadmin walks into a pharmacy.
"ephedrine?"
"I can't serve you that"
"sudoephedrine"
"There you go".
#other
Pirate: The cannons be ready, captain.
Captain: Are.
#other
What's heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
A ton of feathers. Because you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
#other
Which of the American forces is the most patriotic?
The Air Force, because its US AF.
#other
Kids are not as interested in the actual toy as the box that it came out of.
Which is weird because that's how most blokes feel about kids.
#sexandshit
I was offered Sex Today.
I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.
#sexandshit
When Oprah Winfrey picked up a dress in my shop, I said, "You don't want that one."
Immediately she screamed, "RACIST!" at top of her voice for everyone to hear. "It's because I'm black, isn't it? You think I can't afford it?"
"No," I sighed. "It's because it's nowhere near your size, you fat cunt."
#celebrities
When you can see a rash around your wife's vagina, one thing is clear.
She's dressed inappropriately for parents evening.
#sexandshit
I've nicknamed my cock Nicolas Cage.
It hasn't been in anything good for a very long time.
#celebrities
The Somalian Olympics Team has just apologised to the Olympic Committee after realising that sailing and shooting were 2 separate events.
#events
In a press conference Police have announced they have found a body in a graveyard - They have also announced they found a car in a car park too.
#crime
I was arguing with some bloke in the pub and he squared up to me. I said, "You better watch yourself pal, when I was in the Army I killed men."
My wife said, "But you were in the Catering Corps."
I replied, "Yeah, but I'm not a very good cook."
#mortality
"Daddy what is a transvestite?"
"Ask Mommy, he knows."
#sexandshit
If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I'd have $6.30 now
#other
What do a pulse and an orgasm have in common?
I don't care if she has one.
#sexandshit
What's the difference between Valve and uranium?
Uranium gets to its half-life on time.
#other
2 men are robbing an apartment when they hear sirens outside the building.
"We need to jump!" says the first man. The second man replies "But we're on the 13th floor!"
"This is no time to be superstitious!" exclaims the first man.
#other
Two chemists walk into a bar.
The first one says, "I'll have some H2O."
The second says, "I'll have some water too. But why'd you order it like that? We aren't at work."
The first chemist excuses himself and weeps in the bathroom. His assassination plot had failed.
#other