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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
A 7 year old & 4 year old are in their bedroom. “You know what” says 7 year old “I think its time we started swearing…
A 7 year old & 4 year old are in their bedroom. "You know what" says 7 year old "I think its time we started swearing. When we go downstairs for breakfast I'lI swear first then you". "OK" says 4 year old. Mum asks 7 yr old what he wants for breakfast. "I'II have Coco pops, bitch". WHACK, he flew out of his chair crying his eyes out. Mum looked at 4yr old & said sternly "And what do you want?". "Dunno but it won't be fucking coco pops.”
#oldbutgold
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My Asian waiter just handed my food to the wrong customer because he's racist and thinks all white people look the same.
Wait, nevermind. That wasn't my waiter.
#racism
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My wife asked me what would I do if she was choking...
I told her I would back up two inches...
#sexandshit
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I’m terrified of elevators.
So I’m taking steps to mitigate my fears.
#wordplay
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A Home Owner walks into his Back Yard...
And sees a gorilla in his tree. He calls the Gorilla Removal Services (GRS) and they send one of their guys over.
The man shows up with a stick, hand cuffs, a chihuahua and shot gun and goes on to explain how he'll get the Gorilla down.
GRS Guy: "I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick. When the Gorilla falls, the chihuahua will bite his weener. When Gorilla grabs his crotch, slap on the hand cuffs."
Home owner nods in understanding but remembers to ask: "What's the shotgun for?"
GRS Guy: "If I fall first, shoot the chihuahua."
#other
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Boss: You're 4 hours late! What's the matter?
Employee: I fell from the 2nd floor this morning.
Boss: That's 20 feet tall! It shouldn't take you more than 5 seconds!
#other
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The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now enjoy it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions existing in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose
If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year, that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then Number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A
#oldbutgold
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During my job interview I was asked: “After a long week how do you normally recharge your batteries?”
"Through high voltage nipple clamps” wasn’t the answer they were expecting
#sexandhsit
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There's a highway to hell but a stairway to heaven.
Says a lot about the expected traffic
#other
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A beautiful woman walks into a bar. "What'll it be?" asks the bartender. "I'll have a double entendre," she said...
So he gave it to her.
#wordplay
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Friends are like snowflakes
They disappear when you pee on them
#stupid
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A man tries to clean his fake eye by licking it, but accidentally swallows it. He goes to the doctor in utter constipation seeking help.
The doctor tells the patient to bend over and cough, and promptly faints.
When he comes to, the nurse asks him what happened. "|'ve looked at quite a few arseholes in my practice" said the doctor, "first time ever an arsehole looked back!".
#other
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Dear Dad, $chool i$ great. I’m making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying hard. I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on
Dear Son, I kNOw astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad
#wordplay
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What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying in front of your door?
Matt.
#wordplay
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A biologist, a physicist and a statistician go hunting and they see a deer 70 feet in front of them.
The biologist calculates the deer's movement and shoots 5 feet to the left of the deer because he forgot to calculate the speed of the wind..
The physicist calculates the speed of the wind and shoots 5 feet to the right of the deer because he didn't calculate the deer's movement.
The statistician then shouts, "We've got it!"
#oldbutgold
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Whenever my wife is upset I let her colour in my black and white tattoos.
Sometimes she needs a shoulder to crayon.
#wordplay
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Last night a local church was robbed. Miraculously the golden Jesus on the cross was left behind.
They took everything that wasn't nailed down.
#religion
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When is a joke a dad joke?
When it is apparent.
#wordplay
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A man gets on a crowded hotel elevator.
In doing so he accidently elbows a woman in the breast. He pauses and whispers "Ma'am I apologize but if your heart is soft as your breast you'll forgive me" She responds "Of course you are forgiven, and if your dick get's as firm as your elbow, I'm in room 1145"
#sexandshit
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Why are neo-Nazis the highest per-capita consumers of men's sex toys?
Because they prefer their flesh light.
#wordplay
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Cop asks a guy..how high are you?
Guy: no officer, it's hi, how are you.
#other
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"So, I guess you've never been with a prostitute before then." She said.
I replied "Well, No, but how can you tell?"
She said "Look, don't worry about it, just take the pound coins out my vagina and we'll start again."
#sexandshit
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Duck stands before the judge. Judge says "why are you here?"
Duck "I was caught blowing bubbles in the lake your honor"
Judge "thats stupid, case dismissed"
Next duck comes in.
Judge "why are you here?"
Duck "I was caught blowing bubbles in the lake your honor"
Judge "thats stupid, case dismissed"
Next duck comes in.
Judge "let me guess, you were caught blowing bubbles in the lake?"
Duck "no your honor! I am bubbles"
#sexandshit
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Chuck Norris once stared into the abyss...
...and it looked away.
#classic
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A man leaving his apartment building runs into his female neighbor on the elevator.
"Good morning, what are you up to today?" he asks.
She replies, "I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?" he asks.
"About $20 a pint." she says.
"Hmm ...," the man, says. "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100 a tablespoon."
The woman is left with a questioning expression on her face as the man leaves the elevator.
The next day they meet in the elevator again.
The man asks, "So, where you off to today?"
-
"Fmerm mank," she says, with her mouth full.
#oldbutgold
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Martinis are like nipples
One is too few, and three are too many
#other
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A snake walks into a bar
And the bartender says, "how did you do that?"
#other
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A dog walks into a bar and says, “a beer, please.” The bartender says, “wow, you should be in the circus.”
Walks into a bar
The dog says:
Why!? Do they need electricians?
#other
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What is the fastest way to become sober?
Touching your pockets and not feeling your phone.
#other
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A man on his retirement, purchased a house situated near a high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace, then the new school year began. One afternoon early into the first semester, three young boys came down the street, beating merrily on every bin they passed.
They did this the following day and the day's after that, for a week, until the man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the boys as they banged their way down the street.
Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Would you do me a favor? I would give you each a dollar, if you promise to come around and do your thing."
The boys were more than happy to accept this and continued to bang the bins.
After a few days, the man came out to meet them with a sad smile, and said, "This recession really is putting a dent in my income. From now on, I will pay you each 50 cents to continue."
The boys were unimpressed by this, but continued to do the same afternoon activities.
A few days later, the man approached them again and said, "Look, the recession has again reduced my income, so from now on, I am afraid I can only pay you 25 cents each."
The leader then exclaims angrily, "That's it? If you really think we are going to waste our time banging the bins for 25 cents each, you must be a fool. No way that's going to happen. We quit."
The man then enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.
#other
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