13122
The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
It’s WWII and there’s a little anti-aircraft unit based on the east coast of England. The sergeant has a stutter.
One dark night they’re playing cards under the glow of their gas lamp, and suddenly they hear the distant sound of aircraft engines. The sergeant barks, “Ggggggggg-ggggg-gggggg-gggg-ggggg-get to the gggggg-ggg-gggggg-ggggg-gggg-ggggggg-ggg-gggggg-ggg-gun.”
All the men throw down their cards and rush over to the gun.
The sergeant says, “Rrrrrrrr-rrrrr-rrrrrrrrr-rrrrr-rrrrrrr-rrrrr-rrrrrrrrr-rrrrr-rrrrrr-ready.”
The men are ready with the gun.
The sergeant says, “Aaaaaa-aaa-aaaaaa-aaa-a-a-aaa-aaaa-aaaa-aaa-aaaaaaa-aaa-aim.”
Within seconds the men have the gun aimed at the German bomber.
The sergeant yells, “FFFFFFF-FFFF-FFFFFFF-FFFF-FFFF-FFFF-FFFF-FFFFFFFFFFFFF-FFFF…
“FFFF-FFFFFFFF-FFFF-FFFFFFFF-FFFF-FFFFFF-FF-FF-F-F-F-F-FFFFF-FFFFFF-FFFF…
“FFFF-FFFF-FFFF-FFF-FF-FFF-FFFF…
“FFFF-FUCK it lads, we’ll get ‘em on the way back.”
#other
@Sickipedia
Mother Superior wakes up and gets out of bed one morning in the convent.
She begins her usual walk down a long hallway, with rooms for the other nuns lining either side. Immediately one of the nuns looks at mother superior and says "It looks like someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning!"
Mother Superior is a little taken aback by this comment, but shrugs it off and continues. Remarkably, as she passes the very next room, another nun says "Looks like someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning!"
And on and on down the hallway this continues until she finally reaches her destination, meeting with one of the priests coming to visit for the day. The priest begins to open his mouth to greet her when she stops him and quite exasperatedly she exclaims "Don't you dare say "It looks like someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning!"
The priest says "I wasn't going to say that. I was just going to ask why you're wearing the Bishop's slippers.
#other
@Sickipedia
Seriously? Gay jokes during Pride Month?
Come on guys.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
I asked God what the most unlikely thing in the world was.
He replied.
#religion
@Sickipedia
In the bedroom, my girlfriend really likes it when I wear a suit,
because she’s got this kinky fantasy where I have a proper job
#other
All these Muslims hitting people with cars...
If the men are this bad at driving, I see why they don't let their women drive.
#other
Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
She wasn't wearing her seatbelt.
#other
I had that awkward, 'How come your willy is so much bigger than mine?' Conversation with my son in the bathroom this morning...
He said, "I don't know, dad, I'm only three."
#sexandshit
FOR ONCE AND FOR ALL MY AMERICAN FRIENDS....
It's Mum not Mom
It's crisps not chips
It's chips not fries
It's football not soccer
It's rugby not football
It's school not shooting range
#other
Did you hear about the shooting in a library?
I hope he used a silencer
#crime
I found a badly injured owl in our garden last night, so I tried to put it out of its misery...
Took me three fucking hours to wring its neck.
#other
I tried to share a kebab with a homeless guy I saw sitting on a bench last night.
He told me to fuck off and buy my own.
#other
I got a blowjob last night.
Well, it was just a handjob, but she was deaf.
#sexandshit
If a girl gets changed in front of you, then she's either really interested, or thinks of you as just a friend.
Or hasn't yet spotted you in the tree.
#sexandshit
The wife asked me if i want to run upstairs and make mad passionate love with her. I said, "Sorry love. At my age I can't do both."
#sexandshit
A blonde was speeding when a local police officer pulled her over and walked up to the car
The officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license.
The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?"
Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"
The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom.
She held it up to her face and said, "Aha!
This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde policewoman.
The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said,
"You're free to go.
And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this."
#stupid
@Sickipedia
Fellas if you ever meet a woman who takes the time to take care of bees, marry her.
She's a keeper.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
If a pro lifer asks "What if Mary aborted Jesus"?
Replying "it would have sped things along" isn't the answer they were looking for.
#religion
@Sickipedia
I was showing my mate a picture of this girl, and I said with a chuckle, "She was only 14 and had already gotten a tattoo."
Unfortunately though, a tour guide overheard, got really upset, and demanded that we instantly leave the Anne Frank house.
#other
If you should ever want to know your Dolphin name,
just lick your finger then rub a balloon
#other
My daughter walked in from her mother's funeral, sat down and started crying.
Not wanting to come across unsympathetic, I handed her a tissue.
"Thanks dad, that's very thoughtful", she said.
Well if she's that upset, I'm hardly going to force her to swallow am I?
#sexandshit
Since The Doctor put my wife on her new tablets we have had sex every night.
Seems nothing wakes her.
#sexandshit
My cock cures Cancer.
Well, that's what I tell the kids in the Leukaemia ward anyway.
#sexandshit
I must be getting old. I thought 'Instagram' was a term for a reliable drug dealer.
#other
How are millenials and tightrope walkers alike?
Compromise their net and they will literally die.
#other
Two Muslim Women were exchanging photos of their little Hero's. The first woman showed a photo and said, "This is Ahmed when he was 12. He would be 18 by now if he didn't die".
Second woman shows a photo of her son and says, "This was Mohamed at 8 years old, again he would be 19 Years old if he didn't die"
First Woman looked up and said, "They blow up so quickly these days".
#religion
My girlfriend’s parents are very religious.
The first time I was at their house, her dad told me we weren’t allowed to sleep together.
It was a bit of a shame – he was very attractive.
#sexandshit
In 2014, the gossip magazines were reporting Rihanna had broken up with Chris Brown after she caught him cheating with a waitress.
A source close to the couple says Rihanna knew something was up when Brown came home with another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.
#celebrities
Save money on noise cancelling headphones.
Just tell people to shut the fuck up.
#other
I just used the vcuum clener on my keybord. Brillint.
#other