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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
When Tom Hanks writes his memoir it should be called...
'T. Hanks - For the Memories'
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. When she returned, her Father cursed her heavily.
"Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?"
The girl, crying, replied, "Dad... I became a prostitute."
"Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family."
"OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera."
"What was it ye said ye had become?", says Dad.
Girl, crying again, "A prostitute, Daddy!"
"Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!"
#oldbutgold
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A redneck's father passed away in his sleep. So in the morning, he calls 911 to come pick up the body. The 911 operator told him that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. He replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me? There was a long pause and finally he said, "How 'bout if I drag him over to Oak Street and you pick him up there?"
#other
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Child-proof secret code for sex: "turn on the washing machine tonight, I want to wash my clothes"
There was a couple who lived with their 4 year old son. Since they didn't want to talk about sex in front of the child, they decided to talk in code language. So the code was "turn on the washing machine tonight, I want to wash my clothes"
That evening the husband requested his son to ask his mom to "turn on the washing machine tonight, I want to wash my clothes"
Child goes running to his mom and delivers the message. Wife who is not in a mood to have sex declines and tells her son to tell his dad that there is no power/electricity, so you can't wash clothes.
That night the wife feels sorry that she declined, and tells their kid "turn on the washing machine tonight, I want to wash my clothes" and to get ready.
The husband then responds through the kid saying.. “thanks but I hand-washed all my clothes already.
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
My wife asked me what "mansplaining" means
...now what am I supposed to do?
#sexism
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A man goes to the fish market and walks up to a stall. There is a young boy selling fish. The boy is shouting "BUY MY DAMN FISH!". The man says you can't say that! The boy responds. "What do you mean? I caught them at the dam. These are dam fish."
The man says okay and buys some and brings them home. He says to his wife "cook these damn fish!" His wife responds with a shocked face and says you can't say that! He says "the boy told me he caught them at the dam. These are dam fish."
So the wife cooks up the fish and they're having dinner and the husband says "pass the damn fish!" To which his daughter responds "that's the spirit dad! Pass the fucking french fries!"
#wordplay
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What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this ain’t no ordinary blowjob.
#sexandshit
#wordplay
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I haven't sold a single copy of my autobiography.
That's the story of my life.
#wordplay
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A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door.
"Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me."
Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.
He turned to his wife: "Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?"
"Nonsense," said the wife. "You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there."
The husband climbed out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. You're right, you know."
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
A genie granted me 2 out of my 3 wishes, and my third wish was for him to forget he ever met me
He replied with “I am a genie, and I shall grant you 3 wishes”
#other
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What do baking and BDSM have in common?
They both involve lots of beating and whipping
#wordplay
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Why did Han Solo cry during his steak dinner?
Because it was Chewie.
#wordplay
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The problem isn’t that obesity runs in your family
It’s that no one runs in your family.
#wordplay
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A redneck, his wife and teenage daughter walk into a restaurant.
The waitress asks, "Table for two?".
#sexandshit
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I can't say no to my girlfriend when she gives me puppy dog eyes...
If she could be that cruel to a poor, defenseless dog I can't imagine what she could do to me.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
How does Lady Gaga like her steak?
Raw raw raw raw raw
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
What's the difference between a job and a wife after six years?
A job still sucks
#sexandshit
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What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.
#other
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A man got fired from his packaging job at a produce factory. Comes home and wife asksed how it happened. He: I was feeling hot, so I stuck my dick into the pickle slicer. She: Oh no! Is your dick ok? He: Yeah, my dick is fine. They fired me for some workplace ethics rule. She: And what about the pickle slicer? He: They fired her too.
#oldbutgold
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Time heals all wounds. (my therapist)
Time wounds all heels. (my podiatrist)
#wordplay
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When you pull a pin out of a grenade, how do you put it back?
Urgent and quick answers, plea
#other
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What do you call a lizard that doesn’t work?
A reptile dysfunction
#wordplay
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A vasectomy only works if you tell your wife about it
Otherwise she keep on getting pregnant
#boomerhumor
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A blonde drops off her dress to the dry cleaners The lady says, "Come Again!"
The blonde says, "No, it's toothpaste this time."
#sexandshit
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Vegans will be the first to invent intergalactic travel
Imagine living in the Milky Way
wordplay
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What do you call it when a sixty year old man suddenly starts reading the Bible?
Cramming for finals.
#wordplay
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What's the difference between an American police officer and a bullet?
If a bullet kills someone that means it's been fired
#wordplay
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I just found out my uncle is addicted to Viagra
No one is taking it harder than me
#wordplay
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Why do women wear panties with flowers on them?
In loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there.
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
A teacher asks in class:
"If three pigeons are sitting on a tree, and i shoot down one, how many pigeons will be left?"
A student raises their hand and says: "None."
Confused, the teacher asks why, to which the student responds: "Well, if you shoot down one, the others will get scared by the gunshot and fly away."
"Well no, two birds are left, but I like your way of thinking", the teacher says. The student replies: "Well I have a question for you too". "Oh? Go on..". "If two women are standing in front of an ice cream truck, with one licking her ice cream, and the other one biting it; which woman is married?"
Embarrassed, the teacher asks: "The one that licks her ice cream?" "No", the student says, "the one that wears a ring - but I like your way of thinking."
#other
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