13424
The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
A man answered an ad that read "Hiring welders $18-$24 per hour"..
When he arrived he was told he'd have to take a welding test.
He turned in 2 sets of welds. One was a great weld, the other was a mess.
When the boss asked him why he did this he replied "One is $18/hr, the other is $24/hr".
#other
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Doctor: “Sir, i have bad news, i’m afraid your DNA is backwards”
Me: "AND?"
#wordplay
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NASA recently discovered the man with the largest penis in the universe
But they said it wasn't an appropriate thing to put on my resume, and I didn't get the job.
#sexandshit
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At a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman in a tight leather mini skirt, with matching tight leather boots and jacket was waiting for the bus..
As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step onto the bus, only to discover she still couldn't!
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, still she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.
With a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.
Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"
At this, the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."
#oldbutgold
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Teacher: What was that noise?
Student: Sorry, my jacket fell on the floor.
Teacher: Why was it so loud?
Student: Because I was wearing it when it fell.
#other
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A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer?
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."
"I did not ask you for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road." The lawyer interrupted again and said "Judge, I'm trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie." Clyde thanked the judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. When the highway patrolman came on the scene he could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her near fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, 'how are you feeling?' Now what the fuck would you say?"
#other
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My wife beamed at me and said, “I had no idea our son will go that far.”
I said, “I know. The trebuchet is amazing. Go get our daughter.”
#other
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In my twenties, I lived in a houseboat and I started dating the girl next door.
Eventually….we drifted apart.
#wordplay
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I have a rare condition that makes me orgasm every time I remember that I have a rare condition that makes me orgasm.
...come to think of it...
#wordplay
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I was so bored that I memorized six pages of a dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
#wordplay
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Two cowboys are lost in the desert . One cowboy sees a tree that’s draped in bacon . “A bacon tree ! We’re saved !” He says . He runs to the tree and is shot up with bullets .
It wasn’t a bacon tre , it was a ham bush
#wordplay
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After a few weeks of trying, my wife just told me she’s pregnant.
She has the worst stutter ever.
#other
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If joe biden’s wife is the First lady then what do we call his mother?
Joe Mama
#wordplay
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I suggested to my wife we go to the pub separately to relive our very first date.
So she walked over to me and asked "Can I buy you a drink handsome" I replied "Fuck off I'm not falling for that again"
#other
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A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, “What is this, Father?”
The father, never having seen an elevator, responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number. and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son…
“Son, go get your Mother.”
#other
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What happens when you hit someone in a high frequency?
It Hertz.
#wordplay
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I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open..
She said "it's my husband!. Quick, try the backdoor!"
Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.
#oldbutold
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Every time when I ask someone what does LGBT stand for,
I never get a straight answer.
#wordplay
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BREAKING NEWS: A man was admitted to the hospital today with 25 plastic toy horses inserted in his rectum.
Doctors have described his condition as stable.
#wordplay
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After my accident, I woke up in hospital with a sexy nurse standing over me..
She said “You may not feel anything from the waist down.”
“Fair enough,” I replied and felt her breasts.
#sexandshit
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А scammer called my grandma and said he had all her passwords.
She got a pen and paper and said 'thank god for that, what are they'
#other
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Russian prime minister Mishustin comes to Putin and nervously tells him to abolish time zones.
"I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. I woke you up at 4AM but I thought it was only evening. - I call Olaf Scholz to congratulate him on his birthday and he tells me he had it yesterday. - I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow."
"Indeed" Putin replies "but that's only minor stuff. Remember when that plane crashed with Prigozhin on board? I called his family to express my condolences, but the plane hadn't taken off yet!!"
#oldbutnew
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I shouted, “Squirting isn’t real, right!? It’s just urine, right!?”
“I meant any questions about the job." sighed the interviewer.
#other
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My girlfriend is the square root of -100
A solid 10 but imaginary.
#wordplay
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What do French people call marijuana ?
Oui'd
#wordplay
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Steal a man’s wallet and he’ll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he’ll be poor for the rest of his life.
#other
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Why don’t Americans make jokes about mass shootings?
Because it’s always too soon.
#roast
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A man walks into the pharmacy with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one For Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "two For Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies.
"Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March..."
#boomerhumor
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Mary comes home after tending to the garden….
Joseph has a warm pie on the table. He cuts Mary a peice of pie and she is thrilled by how amazing it tastes. So she asks Joseph, “Where did you get this pie from?”
Joseph tells Mary “I baked it!”
“Baked it?” Says Mary.
“Yes, right here in our home from scratch!” Says Joseph.
Mary looks at him confused then says “But we don’t have an oven.”
So Joseph looks her straight in the eyes and say “God helped me.”
Mary looks at Joseph annoyed, “Please, not this again.” as Joseph screams
“YOU SEE HOW THAT SOUNDS MARY?!?!?!?”
#religion
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“69” is now known as “96”.
Thanks to inflation the cost of eating out has gone way up.
#sexandshit
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