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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
The word 'nothing' is a palindrome. 'Nothing' reversed is 'Gnihton'...
Which also means nothing.
#other
Child: "Dad, how high is that building?"
Building: "If I'm already built, why am I called a building?"
Dad: "Pretty damn high."
#other
The doctor gave me 4 months to live, so I shot him.
Judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.
#illness
It only takes 3.5 inches to please a woman.
It doesn't matter if it's Visa or Mastercard.
#sexism
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.
#other
I walked into a pet shop today and said, "I'll have those two cute baby rabbits in the window please."
"No problem." she smiled, "Would you like anything else?"
"Yes," I replied, "I'll have one of those big things that they go inside."
"A hutch?" she asked.
I said, "No, a snake."
#other
I got mugged by a Chinese bloke, but couldn't pick him out in an identity parade.
I said to the Policeman. "I'm not racist, but they all look the same to me."
He said, "Don't worry sir. An Oriental would probably have the same difficulty identifying a Western criminal."
"I don't think so. We make it easier by colouring all of ours black."
#racism
I once went on a date with a girl who didn't swallow.
Soup everywhere.
#sexandshit
Man walks into a bar and orders three separate shots of whiskey. He solemnly drinks each one. The bartender asks why he needs the three separate shots, and why all at once.
"Well, this one's for me brother in Dublin. This one's for me brother in New York. And this one's for me. Seein' as how we can't be in the same bar, we figure if all three of us do this once a month, well--it's almost like we're drinkin' together."
A month goes by, and the guy comes back in, orders three shots, drinks all three. And again each month, for years. When asked to explain, he always says the same thing: "Well, this one's for me brother in Dublin. This one's for me brother in New York. And this one's for me."
Until one month when the guy comes in and orders only two shots. Drinks them solemn as you please. The concerned bartender asks: "Excuse me, but--did something happen to one of your brothers?"
"No--this one's for me brother in Dublin. And this one's for me brother in New York. I quit drinkin'."
#other
I went back in history and changed World War II so the Cookie Monster killed Hitler by battering him to death with a 14 inch dildo.
I love editing Wikipedia pages.
#other
When I was younger, I always felt like I was a man trapped in a woman's body.
Then I was born.
#sexandshit
A boy says to his dad, "Why do they say gardeners have got green fingers when their fingers aren't green?"
His dad replies, "It's just a saying, son. It's like when someone is caught stealing something, they say that they've been caught 'red-handed', even though their hands are actually black."
#racism
Interviewer: What's your greatest strength?
Potential employee: Shape shifting.
Interviewer: Really?
Interviewer: Yes.
Interviewer: Shit.
#other
What's the difference between a bomb vest and a feminist?
A bomb vest does something when it's triggered.
#sexism
I'm not a marketing expert.
But, if I was selling milk, the cartons would be tit shaped.
#other
I got into an embarrassing situation at a swingers' party last night. I snuck up behind an older lady, started fucking her from behind then looked up and suddenly realised that the guy at the other end of the spitroast, getting a blowjob, was my dad.
I said, "After 30 years of marriage I can't believe you're being unfaithful to mum."
He said, "I'm not."
#sexandshit
You can make jokes about anything, just not mexicans.
That's crossing the border.
#racism
The first rule of Women's fight club is don't tell anyone what you're mad about...
#other
A boy walks in on his dad masturbating...
He asks him, "Daddy what are you doing?"
His dad responds, "Don't worry son, you'll be doing it soon."
The boy then asks, "Why's that daddy?"
His dad answers, "Because my arms getting tired."
#sexandshit
Girl comes into the pub with half her tits showing, I look at them, I'm the pervert...
I walk into the pub with half my cock showing...Girl looks at it...I'm still the pervert!?
#sexandshit
Son: Mom, why is my cousin's name Rose?
Mom: Well son, your aunt really loves flowers!
Son: Mom, what do you love?
Mom: Richard, stop asking so many questions!
#other
I went up to a girl in the club last night and said, "That's a nice dress. Do you know what it'd look even better on?"
"Let me guess," she sighed, "Your bedroom floor?"
"No," I replied, "A better-looking girl."
#sexandshit
James Bond would be a much better spy if he didn't keep telling everyone who he was...
#tv
How come the Starship Enterprise can travel to far off distant galaxies and everyone they meet has a good command of the English language.
And I can't even go down the end of my road..
#tv
I always carve a heart with a woman's initials into a tree on the first date...
It's the most romantic way to show her you have a knife.
#crime
Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs?
To avoid being confused with feminists.
#sexism
There are two kinds of people in the world:
Those that can extrapolate from missing information.
#other
What's the difference between jesus and a hooker?
The noises they make as you're nailing them.
#religion
Guys, want to find out all of your flaws in under a minute?
Just ask your girlfriend if she's gained weight.
#other
Nelson Mandela has been described in South Africa as 'The Father Of Our Nation'.
And like most black fathers, he wasn't around for a good twenty years.
#racism